Were you given false hope too?

[LilGhost]

Honestly. I wish I could spend at least a day before I pass away with my friends. Perfectly, have a little celebration with a cake. They are busy or not in the right state of mind. I feel… lonely. It's hot as hell outside but I feel cold and empty inside. I miss good old days we'd spend hanging out before one incident. Like. I know I'm being greedy but I want to die like civil human being. Like a human people care for. I've been feeling like a ghost for months. When I confronted my friends about it? They say "that's misunderstanding" (not all of them but with one of friends is a different story) and not elaborate. When I ended up to be the one apologizing- no answer. Perhaps, that was just an easy way for them to cut me off as I never really felt welcomed in the company. Just for the past month it got worser. I know that's selfish, wanting your friends to miss you. But can't I have one nice thing before I'll go? I felt like I could do a lot with my friends by my side, but seeing now that they don't care kills me. Like, my ctb has nothing to do with friendships problem, but if only they were by my side like they promised to be, I could do almost everything. I know it's naive. I know it's stupid. I am just so fucking alone. I was failed by everyone. Myself first, my parents, my siblings, healthcare, government, and, as selfish it sounds, my friends. I know they have their own reasons. I know no one owns you to save you. It's just…. I have not that long left to live so I can't help but feeling dread and desperation

I know my friends would choose their mental health over mine and…. That's just natural. It's okay. It's just hurts being naive and believing all the promises they have in the moment realizing they were fake

Please. I just want my last days be in peace. Not getting a letter of "good luck with any decision" like if my death changes nothing and would be just news of bad weather for them. I felt dead ever since end of October, I didn't know I was dead for others….

Don't get me wrong it's not about "I'm threatening to die so everyone should do what I say". I am more upset on false hope I was given. On "You are my friend, I'm not letting you go that easily" on making me believe I am worth something. That I can be saved. That there are people who care. I hate I was born. I wouldn't feel this many emotions about soon departure if not that fucking false hope. I fucking hate it

 

[Secro]

I've been manipulated and lied to since I was 6 years old; I know how you feel.

 

[Canto XIII]

Some false hope by the mental health system, yes, maybe. But mainly I feel like people haven't really taken me that seriously. But maybe I'm wrong and they just didn't want to lead me to ruminate onto it more than I already did.