whitetaildeer
Wreck & Rule
- Aug 5, 2024
- 312
A month ago, my girlfriend killed herself, and it's had a devastating toll on my mental health. I've more or less let my grief control me, and anything, literally anything, in my life has been eclipsed by her death. I dream about her every time I sleep; I go to sleep every few hours just to see her again, even if it's not real, and I hate waking up knowing she's not here. I miss her so much, and I'd give anything to have her back.
About 2 days ago I've began to hallucinate her voice, on and off. I heard her asking "What's wrong?" out of nowhere, I've heard her saying "It's okay," and I've even seen her in the corner of my eye. I feel like I'm going crazy. I'm second-guessing myself writing this, wondering if I've somehow gaslit myself into thinking this happened to me even though I know it has. It's even worse because it's my dead girlfriend, the one and only thing I want, and she's gone and she's never coming back.
Schizophrenia runs in my family but I was thankfully spared; I think I'm just very susceptible to psychosis genetically. This isn't the first time I've hallucinated from stress, I remember dealing with psychosis when I was 17 for several months. I'm scared I'll somehow develop psychosis long-term or even permanently. I don't see that happening but holy fuck this feels unreal and I'm more scared than I ever have been of myself. Has grief ever done this to someone else?
About 2 days ago I've began to hallucinate her voice, on and off. I heard her asking "What's wrong?" out of nowhere, I've heard her saying "It's okay," and I've even seen her in the corner of my eye. I feel like I'm going crazy. I'm second-guessing myself writing this, wondering if I've somehow gaslit myself into thinking this happened to me even though I know it has. It's even worse because it's my dead girlfriend, the one and only thing I want, and she's gone and she's never coming back.
Schizophrenia runs in my family but I was thankfully spared; I think I'm just very susceptible to psychosis genetically. This isn't the first time I've hallucinated from stress, I remember dealing with psychosis when I was 17 for several months. I'm scared I'll somehow develop psychosis long-term or even permanently. I don't see that happening but holy fuck this feels unreal and I'm more scared than I ever have been of myself. Has grief ever done this to someone else?
