MindFog
:Professional Hypocrite:
- Nov 19, 2020
- 732
2 days ago, I was told that my grandmother has been sent to the hospital. I've been asked If Iwas available to accompany her, but I had to refuse. I had my hands tied cause I already have another person to take care of at home and I can't leave her for weeks. And this pandemic has made things worse, watchers can't leave the premises while they're in there, so you basically have to live there too. I have my excuses, but I would be lying if I say I wanted to go to the hospital, cause I'm so afraid of going back to one and I'm afraid of bringing the disease back home to my other grandmother. I'm still so worried about her well being that I don't know what to do. It's making me feel like shit. I feel like I was throwing her under the bus.
Thankfully, my aunt showed up to accompany her, but she keep telling me every time I call that I should be the one there, cause she has kids and you can't properly sleep there.
Now that its Christmas, I've been dealing the guilt. I'd feel happy cause we're preparing for it, but then I'll remember her spending Xmas confined in the hospital and I'm not even allowed to visit her. It makes me want to puke out the food I ate. My grandmother even told me she really didnt want to tell me about it, cause she knows I'll get distressed again.
She's the only one the listened to me when I wanted to die. And now I'm not there for her. This reminds me of why I want to die. Cause I let everyone down. I'm human trash.
Thankfully, my aunt showed up to accompany her, but she keep telling me every time I call that I should be the one there, cause she has kids and you can't properly sleep there.
Now that its Christmas, I've been dealing the guilt. I'd feel happy cause we're preparing for it, but then I'll remember her spending Xmas confined in the hospital and I'm not even allowed to visit her. It makes me want to puke out the food I ate. My grandmother even told me she really didnt want to tell me about it, cause she knows I'll get distressed again.
She's the only one the listened to me when I wanted to die. And now I'm not there for her. This reminds me of why I want to die. Cause I let everyone down. I'm human trash.
