Venting Grieving Family Loss

[Imeavie]

Im not sure if this is the right area for this, but I'm not sure about the others either. Its not about recovery, or suicide, and not off topic either.
I'm sorry if this is wrong.

I was raised in an abusive home, and someone who was there since I was two yrs old has always been there to help me. She was always so capable, so intelligent, she knew something about everything. She knew I wasn't allowed to have a childhood, thats I was basically Cinderella a slave to my mother, and sisters. So she always tried to let me have one with her whenever she could.

Now she is expected to die anytime now. She cant eat, she cant sleep, she can hardly talk. She cant even sit up without someone holding her up the entire time. She survived two cancers relatively recently. She was doing so well. Now she had to ask someone who I fucking was. The list goes on but I dont have the strength to waste your time with it.

I don't know how Im supposed to live without someone who was more of a mother than my real one. I want to go back in time, and have one more long conversation again. Now I will never have one again.

Im not going to ctb only because my grandparents need me around, and I cant pay them back by destroying them.

Ive been doing well on my medicine despite the panic of losing my hair from it. Ive been doing doing better since finding this community.

Now I feel trapped in my body with no escape.
Unable to live, not allowed to die.

I cant tell her this without making her worse, so I have to settle saying it here so it exists somewhere in the universe. I love you so much carol. I appreciate everything you ever did for me, and I'm so happy I spent your final birthday with you. Thank you for helping me stay alive for 29 years. I would have ctb at 8 if not for you.

My life was better, I was a better person for having you in it. Thank you. I love you.

 

[INYGTRMTFMO]

I am so, so sorry that you are going through this. Wishing your loved one peace and comfort in the time they have left and beyond.

 

[whywere]

I cried reading this, as it broke not only my heart by me into so many pieces.

The one thing that I will say from experience is this, the person would want you to have a wonderful and joyous life and one of the best ways to honor that soul for eternity, is to be and do the best for you and others that you can. What an honor to that person, as everyday kindness and love will happen to/for you and others that you bring into your sphere

Back in March 1982, my best friend EVER drown, it still hurts like heavens yet, BUT since then I really amped up trying to do not only the right thing but helping others and I 100% believe that he is looking down from Heaven at me with a huge smile and thumbs up.

Always keep the person close to your heart and the love and caring of that soul WILL help you so much in life. You might not ever realize it, BUT there will ALWAYS be a guiding hand alongside you.

There is so much that humans and the human experience does not understand, (maybe for the better) and this is one where you will always have a angel beside you for your entire life, believe it, I know I do. My friend is always around. always. He might have died physically BUT his spirit is always with me and your will be with you too.

Lots of HUGE hugs, love and very caring thoughts.

Walter

 

[wantingdignity]

I am not sure how capable she currently is of understanding, but I don't think it would make her worse for you to tell her how you feel, depending on how you do it. You could tell her that she helped you greatly, you still struggle with it, and you are so grateful that you were able to get to know her. It is up to you and how well you think she'd be currently able to understand. I think there's a chance that she might already know more than you'd think, if she's in the state of mind to remember it. A lot of people who are sick like having the chance to do something for someone else too. It gives them a sense of purpose when their lives are out of their hands.

It sounds like she might not be able to fully hear and respond, but maybe a simple, "I was struggling so much. You really, really helped me more than you know. I'm still struggling. I'm so glad that we had the time together that we had."

I'm so, so sorry that this is happening to you.

 

[The Actual Devil]

I'm not exactly an authority on it, but I feel you've made a good choice posting on this side. You are, after all, recovering from a loss, if nothing else. And you may find Recovery material useful for bereavement.
Losing a proper role model and childhood caretaker often brings a new perspective. You can find yourself feeling even more like an adult than ever before, no matter what age it happens at. It's that safe space she made for you. That's why it's so important to take care of yourself right now, even when your thoughts are with her. Please be as kind and considerate to yourself as she once was. I'm sure there's at least a part of her that would appreciate your efforts, even if she isn't able to articulate or even be fully cognizant of it.