Venting frustrated with the mental health system

[punyama]

i'm so tired of being tossed around from place to place like nobody knows what to do with me. I feel like there's no hope for me and i only get more and more discouraged and depressed every time i get back up and try. All trying to get help for my depression and anxiety has shown me is that there was never any hope or chance of me getting better and it's put me into the deepest depression of my life.

I'm tired of being asked over and over again what my reason for living is when i don't have one, being alive still isn't a choice for me but a lack of a choice, i'm still here because i haven't made a choice, because i can't make a choice about anything evidently.
People keep telling me that i have to want to get help for myself and do it for me, but i don't want to for me, i hate myself, why would i want to do it for me? So then what? It's like it's over before i even started.
those types of questions like "why are you still alive" make me want to answer like "alright do you want me to go kill myself right now"
i also can't even get therapy it seems like there's no avenue for me to get it more than once a month and that's just not going to help me. i can't afford it and there are no free options besides going to crisis centres.
i'm really tired of all of this.

going to the hospital settings is so depressing too. i signed up for a day program at the hospital but it was just horrific. depressing gray walls and floors and depressing people and they just throw you to the wolves there like there's nobody around and they don't tell you what the hell you're supposed to do. And staff treat me in such a condescending way like i'm a toddler, it feels like a human zoo.

I don't know what to do anymore or why i'm trying because it seems like there's no point and i'm just doomed to end up ctb.

 

[tree.sn]

Havent seen anyone for MH treatment but for medical healthcare I have. At first I actually had hope in medical healthcare but after you start seeing doctors you realize they're dumber than chatgpt and they're only useful for surgeries and prescribing meds.

 

[Set Real Goul]

In my country, psychology is a field that almost anyone can get into. Because of that, I don't really trust psychologists. It's also difficult to "get treatment" when you know psychological techniques better than your own therapist. I completely understand why people become disappointed in them. On top of that, the prices for therapy sessions are often absurdly high.