Story Former med student, just got SN.

[Zikelir]

I'm 25 years old and from south america.

I'm a former med student, did 4 years of medical school but had to leave in december 2023 due to developing schizoaffective disorder.

Since i left my mind hasn't been the same, it doesn't work the same way it did after many antipsychotics and ECTs. At least i have a stable job that pays really well since January this year.

I finally got my hands on SN, the only problem is i live with the love of my life. My girlfriend moved in with me a year ago. We have a beautiful rented apartment that we share with our two cats. My salary is way higher than her and she depends a lot on me both emotionally and financially.

I want to end my life responsibly, i want to keep the damage it does to my girlfriend to a minimal. I don't want her to find my body, is doing this at a hotel room the best way? I also want her to keep everything we have at our house. Is making a will a good way to avoid anyone from my family taking the stuff here and making sure she's the one who keeps it all?

I wanted to end my life after she graduated college, i'm really trying to keep working and fighting my condition. I'm mainly living for her, i'm doing everything for her. She's the only reason i'm still alive. I wish life is kind to her. But if i'm gone it won't be. I guess i'm just trying to find a reason to keep fighting for her and that's why i'm here telling my story. She's the most genuine and lovable person i have ever met, i want to die but she doesn't deserve any of this. I wish i had terminal cancer so no one would judge me when i died.

 

[quietbird]

I'm 25 years old and from south america.

I'm a former med student, did 4 years of medical school but had to leave in december 2023 due to developing schizoaffective disorder.

Since i left my mind hasn't been the same, it doesn't work the same way it did after many antipsychotics and ECTs. At least i have a stable job that pays really well since January this year.

I finally got my hands on SN, the only problem is i live with the love of my life. My girlfriend moved in with me a year ago. We have a beautiful rented apartment that we share with our two cats. My salary is way higher than her and she depends a lot on me both emotionally and financially.

I want to end my life responsibly, i want to keep the damage it does to my girlfriend to a minimal. I don't want her to find my body, is doing this at a hotel room the best way? I also want her to keep everything we have at our house. Is making a will a good way to avoid anyone from my family taking the stuff here and making sure she's the one who keeps it all?

I wanted to end my life after she graduated college, i'm really trying to keep working and fighting my condition. I'm mainly living for her, i'm doing everything for her. She's the only reason i'm still alive. I wish life is kind to her. But if i'm gone it won't be. I guess i'm just trying to find a reason to keep fighting for her and that's why i'm here telling my story. She's the most genuine and lovable person i have ever met, i want to die but she doesn't deserve any of this.

I am so sorry, and I understand the pain of this. You sound very caring.

 

[voir2]

Could your wish to die be a symptom of your condition (schizoaffective disorder) ?
Your life seems pretty good otherwise.
Maybe if you eventualy get a proper treatment, everything would be right

 

[Zikelir]

Could your wish to die be a symptom of your condition (schizoaffective disorder) ?
Your life seems pretty good otherwise.
Maybe if you eventualy get a proper treatment, everything would be right

Yes, it's due to my condition.

I've had proper treatment since my first psychosis in 2022, but living for the rest of my life with severe schizo symptoms is hard.

 

[voir2]

I feel like you also want to die not to be a burden for your girlfriend.
Have you asked her if she would rather stay with you and your condition or leave you ?

 

[Zikelir]

I feel like you also want to die not to be a burden for your girlfriend.
Have you asked her if she would rather stay with you and your condition or leave you ?

Actually i'm not a burden for her, i'm the reason she has a better life. She has stayed with me through thick and thin.

The reason i want to die is because of the overwhelming voices in my head that never stop. Not even a single day, and yes i am having proper treatment but sadly it is what it is.

 

[Tumblewillow]

This is heartbreaking. You actually have a pretty good life despite the illness. But I know how debilitating it can be, my sister is schizoeffective as well. There were times we completely lost her to psychosis, she was seeing and hearing such awful, graphic things and was constantly terrified and trying to run away. Its such a cruel illness.

She was so treatment resistant that she was lined up for ECT (is this an option for you?). They tried one last ditch attempt on a very risky medication and it worked. She has had to get her heart checked every few weeks but she's happy now and has a lovely little boy. I hope your treatment works, because you have so much to live for -- but I don't blame you for getting to this point. It has to be one of the most torturous conditions a person can have and your strength to still be working and providing a life for your girlfriend through it just blows my mind.

 

[FuneralCry]

I'm sorry you have to suffer, it's so cruel and dreadful to me how there's all this suffering in existing, I wish you the best, I hope that you find the relief you search for.

 

[bingGenus]

Seems like you have something worth fighting for and have a place on this planet, being so caring.
I am schizoaffective and am hospitalized in a forensic setting for three years and counting. But I manage with my medication (olanzapine) and regular cardio exercise- cannot recommend exercise enough. It countervails the cognitive decline that we are faced with, that otherwise may derail your life. But I am aware 85% of us schizophrenics are unemployed, as the illness is a full time job in itself, so whatever you decide there is no pressure from anyone.

 

[LostHope556]

Hey this might come off as tone deaf, so please feel free to tell me to fuck off if it does, but have you tried alternative treatments like hypnosis or even subpersonality coaching (Betty Ford)?

I don't have your same condition, but I do have very severe PTSD (really severe childhood abuse since 4 years old- sexual abuse, beatings, threats and attempts on my life, abandonment, foster care system, etc.)

I tried therapy and meds for 8 years, but honestly? They were complete and utter fucking shit. I fucking hate the clinical system. For me, all it did was take all my money, offer hope and then SEVERELY underdeliver.

BUT, alternative treatments helped A LOT. I'm still here on SS, so take that as you will, but now that's mostly because I'm having a hard time financially. If I was better off in that regard, I don't think I would be here...

MDMA therapy (illegal for some fucking reason) helped a LOT as well...

I did Psilocybin therapeutically as well - I understand this may not be appropriate in your case.

I'm just saying there are other treatments than "clinical" stuff, because, at least in my experience, clinical treatments are often complete and utter fucking bullshit.

I'm in a bit of a similar spot as you when it comes to having a loving partner you don't want to effect as well, just posted about it actually.

 

[Zikelir]

Hearing from other people and not my voices helped a lot, i came to a conclusion and have already decided. I will keep fighting for her.

Thank you all for the kind words.

If i can't do it for myself, i will do it for her.

 

[SchizoGymnast]

I'm either schizoaffective or BPI with psychotic features, depending on which psych eval you consult. I like to think that I'm the one that got away. Sometimes I wish I didn't, but now I get to enjoy a whole lifetime of being who I want to be...if I play my cards right. It really does get better.

 

[CatLvr]

Hearing from other people and not my voices helped a lot, i came to a conclusion and have already decided. I will keep fighting for her.

Thank you all for the kind words.

If i can't do it for myself, i will do it for her.

You are a good person. I hope you find something, somewhere that can make your journey through this life less daunting. Your girlfriend is lucky she has you.

 

[Pale_Rider]

I can relate to the feeling that your diagnosis is a permanent road block.