Finally found a suitable tree in an alright location. This is it for me, I'll ctb on Saturday.

[Exhausted546]

You can prep by having your noose already tied before you even get to the tree. I'd recommend something for anxiety if you have it.

Are you climbing the tree? Did you identify a good branch?

I'll be using this set up, I tested it once and had realized it worked way too well, and decided to spare my dad from the sight of seeing the rope dug into my flesh and not eating to inconvenience him. But I'm truly out of option now unless I could find a way to make this tree stuff work.

It did leave some mark on the top of the door. I do hope it can support my weight for a hour ish without breaking

 

[sadbh—itstimetogo🤎]

I'll be using this set up, I tested it once and had realized it worked way too well, and decided to spare my dad from the sight of seeing the rope dug into my flesh and not eating to inconvenience him. But I'm truly out of option now unless I could find a way to make this tree stuff work.

It did leave some mark on the top of the door. I do hope it can support my weight for a hour ish without breaking

Seems like a good set up! Best of luck, again. Hope you find peace.

 

[Exhausted546]

From what I researched it is extremely unlikely that you can be resuscitated after more than 30 minutes. So if you prepare the noose beforehand and set up quickly even an hour or 90 minutes without being interruped will be enough.
If you need to use trees it might help to bring an extra rope or slings as an aid to climb up a tree, so you can use a higher branch for FSH. When I first tried to test a branch for FSH I realized it is not high enough and that I couldn't get any higher, because I am not fit enough to do a pull up and so the next time I came back with slings that are part of my climbing equipment and it made all the difference.

The tree things is too difficult for me. All I have around me in private areas are trees that are difficult to hang with. The ones that would be easy to hang with are in places you get no privacy and could be interrupted at any time. I have up on trees

If I had motel money I'd just hang at a motel. If there were abandoned building I could access it break in ,I'd hang there

I know if abandoned stores that are closed but I wouldn't know how to find my way in besides breaking a window with a brick, which would attract unwanted attention

Seems like a good set up! Best of luck, again. Hope you find peace.

I decide to maximize my chances by using the bathroom's door, since "my bedroom"'s door lock in inconsistent. Who knows maybe if the door isn't locked, after supporting my full weight for 18 mins,the door would cede to the weight and open because it wasn't locked.

This would have me surviving with permanent brain damage, a fate worse than death

I can't find the rope I had cut from my original set up so I have to cut another section of rope now, have it be short enough to ensure my feet don't touch the ground

Once I kick that chair,it's game over, there's no coming back.

I've been scrambling my brains to see if there was any way out for me cause honestly I want to live, just not the way I've been forced to live and definitely not with how doomed my situation is. While my family could help me they would never until it's too late then they'll say "we would have helped him if he had spoken to us!" It's false but it's fine, ultimately it's my fault for not fighting like the most rabid of dogs back then.

I digress, if I could be reborn, I'd want to be me again, a small little tweak would have completely changed the outcome of my life. I love life, just not the mediocre and humiliating life filled with trauma hardship and misery that I'm condemned to live.

Less than 3 hours left

Seems like a good set up! Best of luck, again. Hope you find peace.

I decide to maximize my chances by using the bathroom's door, since "my bedroom"'s door lock in inconsistent. Who knows maybe if the door isn't locked, after supporting my full weight for 18 mins,the door would cede to the weight and open because it wasn't locked.

This would have me surviving with permanent brain damage, a fate worse than death

I can't find the rope I had cut from my original set up so I have to cut another section of rope now, have it be short enough to ensure my feet don't touch the ground

Once I kick that chair,it's game over, there's no coming back.

I've been scrambling my brains to see if there was any way out for me cause honestly I want to live, just not the way I've been forced to live and definitely not with how doomed my situation is. While my family could help me they would never until it's too late then they'll say "we would have helped him if he had spoken to us!" It's false but it's fine, ultimately it's my fault for not fighting like the most rabid of dogs back then.

I digress, if I could be reborn, I'd want to be me again, a small little tweak would have completely changed the outcome of my life. I love life, just not the mediocre and humiliating life filled with trauma hardship and misery that I'm condemned to live.

Less than 3 hours left

 

[Ben 111]

Seems ur pretty motivated

 

[Exhausted546]

Seems ur pretty motivated

Aren't you too since you're on this website

 

[Ben 111]

Aren't you too since you're on this website

I tried CO asphyxiation but wasnt successful

 

[Exhausted546]

I tried CO asphyxiation but wasnt successful

With a car's exhaust? Were you caught? Or was it not working

Also the first attempt at the right rope length failed, I cut it so small I don't even have enough space to put my neck in. I'm gonna cut up again but a longer one this time

 

[Ben 111]

During my CO attempt I reached a point where I was literally gasping for air and was hearing a hissing sound in head..weird right, I couldn't take it and I escaped the room..everything went according to plan but I didn't want to be conscious during my attempt

 

[Exhausted546]

Have y

During my CO attempt I reached a point where I was literally gasping for air and was hearing a hissing sound in head..weird right, I couldn't take it and I escaped the room..everything went according to plan but I didn't want to be conscious during my attempt

Have you ever thought pairing it up with alcohol+ sleeping pills?

Talking about alcohol, I'm out of alcohol so I'll need to do it sober. Tbf I was sober during most attempts and it wasn't any harder to do it

With this said, I have my rope ready I think. I'm not certain if the length is right honestly. When it tightened up, it might make my feet touch the ground which is bad. I can't test it out until 4pm

Maybe I should shorten it the rope a bit just to be safe

 

[Ben 111]

Are you alone right now

 

[junctionbox]

reading this thread i feel a way that i haven't felt before. i am so sorry for your life circumstances op. you do not need to answer if your mind is set -- in fact, you not answering might grant me the peace of mind i'm trying to find by writing to you now. does that make sense? anyway. my question is, have you considered dropping out? if it is literally a question of life and death, and life is your preferred choice, you really don't need to finish school. i say this as someone who fought for years to study but i have now given that up for the sake of my mental health. are you able to hold down a job, any job? homelessness is a horrible fate but that isn't necessarily forever. you really never know what can happen until it happens. i do feel like i need to address, the fact that homelessness is a real worry of yours, so much so that it's (among other things) driving you to take your life, is so incredibly unfair. but maybe for example, your brother would come around once he sees you have become homeless. maybe there is an organization that could help that you haven't heard about yet. i'm not trying to convince you if your mind is set. if you're set on suicide, i wish you well and i hope you find peace in your last moments. i just couldn't read through this thread and say nothing, maybe because i relate to what you've been saying.

 

[Exhausted546]

Are you alone right now

Nope, my dad temporarily allowed me back in the house so I don't sleep outside (honestly I do feel guilt about abusing that kindness by hanging at his place, I had decided to spare him but the past 7 months proved how absolutely hard it was to hang outside. At this point it's my only option left.)

So I can't test it until it he's gone at 4pm

Are you alone right now

Nope, my dad temporarily allowed me back in the house so I don't sleep outside (honestly I do feel guilt about abusing that kindness by hanging at his place, I had decided to spare him but the past 7 months proved how absolutely hard it was to hang outside. At this point it's my only option left.)

So I can't test it until it he's gone at 4om

reading this thread i feel a way that i haven't felt before. i am so sorry for your life circumstances op. you do not need to answer if your mind is set -- in fact, you not answering might grant me the peace of mind i'm trying to find by writing to you now. does that make sense? anyway. my question is, have you considered dropping out? if it is literally a question of life and death, and life is your preferred choice, you really don't need to finish school. i say this as someone who fought for years to study but i have now given that up for the sake of my mental health. are you able to hold down a job, any job? homelessness is a horrible fate but that isn't necessarily forever. you really never know what can happen until it happens. i do feel like i need to address, the fact that homelessness is a real worry of yours, so much so that it's (among other things) driving you to take your life, is so incredibly unfair. but maybe for example, your brother would come around once he sees you have become homeless. maybe there is an organization that could help that you haven't heard about yet. i'm not trying to convince you if your mind is set. if you're set on suicide, i wish you well and i hope you find peace in your last moments. i just couldn't read through this thread and say nothing, maybe because i relate to what you've been saying.

I wouldn't drop out when I'm right in front of the finish line. I know it's dumb to say when I'm about to be dead but I'm quite stubborn on it sadly. I just don't have the ressources to finish my remaininy classes in a timely manner while holding a job and protecting my mental health. I've gotten nothing but job rejections for the past months anyway. My eldest sibling has many millions in bank and gives 29- 39% of his salary to charities, if he wanted he could help me with rent in the shittiest area possible filled with bedbugs and whatever but he wouldn't, not until I'm dead. He insists on sending me back to the environment that broke me in the first place, I prefer to die than that

When I told him I had a slept outside, he told me it was my problem and he wouldn't help me unless I go back to the abusive environment that broke me. Not gonna happen, death it is then. (I believe he thought I'd give in, very likely because he doesn't believe any abuse ever took place, because he doesn't believe me and was in another country when it took place. Nothing I can do about him not understanding how serious I am).

Regardless,following that logic,whatever effect my death may have on him isn't my problem either

Also I've been followed by social workers for months. It's not that useful TBH, they just kinda help you prepare for interviews, suggest places to apply to. Refer to homeless shelters where you can sleep 1-2 night per week

 

[junctionbox]

I wouldn't drop out when I'm right in front of the finish line. I know it's dumb to say when I'm about to be dead but I'm quite stubborn on it sadly. I just don't have the ressources to finish my remaininy classes in a timely manner while holding a job and protecting my mental health. I've gotten nothing but job rejections for the past months anyway. My eldest sibling has many millions in bank and gives 29- 39% of his salary to charities, if he wanted he could help me with rent in the shittiest area possible filled with bedbugs and whatever but he wouldn't, not until I'm dead. He insists on sending me back to the environment that broke me in the first place, I prefer to die than that

When I told him I had a slept outside, he told me it was my problem and he wouldn't help me unless I go back to the abusive environment that broke me. Not gonna happen, death it is then. (I believe he thought I'd give in, very likely because he doesn't believe any abuse ever took place, because he doesn't believe me and was in another country when it took place. Nothing I can do about him not understanding how serious I am).

Regardless,following that logic,whatever effect my death may have on him isn't my problem either

Also I've been followed by social workers for months. It's not that useful TBH, they just kinda help you prepare for interviews, suggest places to apply to. Refer to homeless shelters where you can sleep 1-2 night per week

okay. by your account, your brother is a world class asshole. sadly so many abuse survivors are not believed. it is so common for people to do literally anything but believe the abused. obviously two (or more) sides to every story, but the way our experiences can be treated is so cruel.
i still want to respond to a few things you said.
i wonder what keeps you from dropping out. you could always go back to school, right? it just seems disproportionate to kill yourself rather than drop out. it wouldn't have to be a forever solution either.
rejections in the past months is hardly evidence for anything in this job market, sadly. what i mean is that you're not the only one struggling to get a job, and it's not a reflection of you but a reflection of the current state of things.
idk where you're from but some aid from the government might require you to be "fully homeless". in my country, where there's a welfare state but it does suck in practice, some forms of aid only become available once your case is bad enough on paper. might be the case for you too, even if it's not a welfare state. do you officially still have an address?

 

[Exhausted546]

okay. by your account, your brother is a world class asshole. sadly so many abuse survivors are not believed. it is so common for people to do literally anything but believe the abused. obviously two (or more) sides to every story, but the way our experiences can be treated is so cruel.
i still want to respond to a few things you said.
i wonder what keeps you from dropping out. you could always go back to school, right? it just seems disproportionate to kill yourself rather than drop out. it wouldn't have to be a forever solution either.
rejections in the past months is hardly evidence for anything in this job market, sadly. what i mean is that you're not the only one struggling to get a job, and it's not a reflection of you but a reflection of the current state of things.
idk where you're from but some aid from the government might require you to be "fully homeless". in my country, where there's a welfare state but it does suck in practice, some forms of aid only become available once your case is bad enough on paper. might be the case for you too, even if it's not a welfare state. do you officially still have an address?

Im already old enough that I get mocked regularly for still being in university after so long. I can't keep extending my graduation date when the finish line is so close.

Like literally one of the main subject I get the most humiliated about is the fact that I'm still in university and don't have my degree yet after struggling (recovering from ton of trauma and other issues for so long) so I'm super sensitive about hurrying to finish that degree as dumb as it sounds. The idea of extending it by 2-3 years so I could work enough to afford school discouraged the absolute shit out of me

Also funnily enough, I just received a mail saying that I was still eligible for bursaries up until 29' that pay for my classes as long as I pass them. Maybe knowing that I could work just enough hours to afford rent and food and spend the rest of my time studying AMD focusing on completing my degree in 2 years instead of 3. It could be possible.

As soon as I get my degree, I can cut off my family, have a proper job and start living my life, I just feel like I may not have the stamina to struggle and feel like a social pariah for 2-3 more years while being regularly mocked and told how worthless I am and such, I've struggled long enough already.

Also the government refused to provide welfare cause I had university classes

Edit: okay it's 4pm, my dad is still here but since that mail, I'm feeling less certain about my decision. Even if I have to work as a garbageman or janitor or anything to help pay rent until I graduate, it might be doable as long as I put enough distance with my family to protect my mental health (they won't help me anyway, so why even deal with their constant insults)

Edit 2: My dad just left, now I'm feeling really unsure. I know Im running on am empty fuel tank and suffered enough this past decade but maybe the situation ahead won't be as horrible and disastrous as I imagine it to be as long as I keep my distances from whoever is hell bent on constantly kicking me when I'm down,invalidating my traumas and such

Edit 3: if I do it today it has to be now otherwise Ill miss the time window.

Edit4: yeah.... I'll postpone another 24h to think things through. Maybe I can pull out of this one after all. Maybe I'm giving too much importance to the countless people judging the shit out of me too for still being in my current position at my age. (I admit took too long to recover from the past)

 

[junctionbox]

Im already old enough that I get mocked regularly for still being in university after so long. I can't keep extending my graduation date when the finish line is so close.

Like literally one of the main subject I get the most humiliated about is the fact that I'm still in university and don't have my degree yet after struggling (recovering from ton of trauma and other issues for so long) so I'm super sensitive about hurrying to finish that degree as dumb as it sounds. The idea of extending it by 2-3 years so I could work enough to afford school discouraged the absolute shit out of me

Also funnily enough, I just received a mail saying that I was still eligible for bursaries up until 29' that pay for my classes as long as I succeed them. Maybe knowing that I could work just enough hours to afford rent and food and spend the rest of my time studying AMD focusing on completing my degree in 2 years instead of 3. It could be possible.

As soon as I get my degree, I can cut off my family, have a proper job and start living my life, I just feel like I may not have the stamina to struggle and feel like a social pariah for 2-3 more years while being regularly mocked and told how worthless I am and such, I've struggled long enough already.

Also the government refused to provide welfare cause I had university classes

Edit: okay it's 4pm, my dad is still here but since that mail, I'm feeling less certain about my decision. Even if I have to work as a garbageman or janitor or anything to help pay rent until I graduate, it might be doable as long as I put enough distance with my family to protect my mental health (they won't help me anyway, so why even deal with their constant insults)

who's mocking you?? your family? whoever it is seemingly has no understanding of anything. what a buncha losers for making someone feel bad for trying to get an education. wtf.
it seems like you have internalized a lot of their bs, understandably so since it has been fed to you for a long time, but know that they are wrong. you are struggling and trying your best, overextending yourself in a situation no-one should ever have to be in. i don't even have the vocabulary to describe how much i disagree with the notion that "still" being in university is bad. like wtf bro what is the goal here because it sure isn't trying to help or to understand or to make your time at uni less detrimental to your health. if they really are telling you this bullshit i would like to see you far, far away from them.
i want you to know, you're not a failure for not graduating yet, you wouldn't be a failure for not graduating either. i don't know you but this i know for sure. also, graduation is certainly possible as long as you look after yourself too. i wonder if the social workers could direct you to some kind of service to help with your trauma, or if you could open up to a friend. i'm of the opinion that suicide shouldn't be a rash decision. if you're unsure, i would say at least give it some time before making a move.

 

[Exhausted546]

who's mocking you?? your family? whoever it is seemingly has no understanding of anything. what a buncha losers for making someone feel bad for trying to get an education. wtf.
it seems like you have internalized a lot of their bs, understandably so since it has been fed to you for a long time, but know that they are wrong. you are struggling and trying your best, overextending yourself in a situation no-one should ever have to be in. i don't even have the vocabulary to describe how much i disagree with the notion that "still" being in university is bad. like wtf bro what is the goal here because it sure isn't trying to help or to understand or to make your time at uni less detrimental to your health. if they really are telling you this bullshit i would like to see you far, far away from them.
i want you to know, you're not a failure for not graduating yet, you wouldn't be a failure for not graduating either. i don't know you but this i know for sure. also, graduation is certainly possible as long as you look after yourself too. i wonder if the social workers could direct you to some kind of service to help with your trauma, or if you could open up to a friend. i'm of the opinion that suicide shouldn't be a rash decision. if you're unsure, i would say at least give it some time before making a move.

Family, their families and friends , my dad telling me how he hears people mock me for that and how deeply ashamed he is of me,acquaintances, former friends, friends, even at the psych ward when I was explaining why I was still in university (although it wasn't mockery, the person just said that clearly university wasn't working out for me so I should maybe think about dropping it altogether. (I need to make this clear, give me a stable place to stay and keep my family's bs away so I don't spiral and I'll finish my remaining class with great ease)

According to my family aside from one neutral sibling, I'm innately incapable and I was always doomed to fail (they were hating on me when I was a top student at the top of my promo too but when I became broken, my inability to function came to confirm their bias, they've been constantly at it for a decade), they repeat that constantly to me, dropping out when I'm so close to finishing my degree would be letting them win

I avoid going to get together because it's always a subject that comes up, people treat you like a absolute loser

Even the welfare lady was treating me like a complete loser before refusing to help me. It's at every single level

The only people that don't treat me like filth are a few social workers and a few friends, the rest treat me as damaged filth. Maybe I just got super unlucky in my entourage but I cannot extend my graduation ,this takes a huge toll on my mental health in general. If I had recovered from my traumas enough to be functional just 1 year earlier,I'd have been done with my degree before I ran out of resources.
I guess this is why I got on the defensive when someone asked for my age earlier in the thread


As I said, I don't know if I have the grit in me to be treated like a social pariah for 2-3 more years and grind hardcore while out of fuel and feeling like it's me against the world. Hell even working a minimum wage job will come with humiliation from whoever recognizes me. It happened once, it got back to former classmates and ex-friends (after I failed out we lost contact);that are now well established healthcare professionals, the whole thing it made me spiral so I stopped working there

It'll take grit to endure a lot of that for the following years after having endured it for long enough already

Anyway because of all of the above, I refuse to extend my graduation date. I want to graduate asap. University isn't hard at all, I just took too long to recover from my traumas and exhausted most of my resources during that time.

My greatest mistake was to be psychologically broken in the first place, struggling only brings forth people's contempt and further abuse. I dealt with enough already

 

[junctionbox]

Family, their families and friends , my dad telling me how he hears people mock me for that and how deeply ashamed he is of me,acquaintances, former friends, friends, even at the psych ward when I was explaining why I was still in university (although it wasn't mockery, the person just said that clearly university wasn't working out for me so I should maybe think about dropping it altogether. (I need to make this clear, give me a stable place to stay and keep my family's bs away so I don't spiral and I'll finish my remaining class with great ease)

According to my family aside from one neutral sibling, I'm innately incapable and I was always doomed to fail (they were hating on me when I was a top student at the top of my promo too but when I became broken, my inability to function came to confirm their bias, they've been constantly at it for a decade), they repeat that constantly to me, dropping out when I'm so close to finishing my degree would be letting them win

I avoid going to get together because it's always a subject that comes up, people treat you like a absolute loser

Even the welfare lady was treating me like a complete loser before refusing to help me. It's at every single level

The only people that don't treat me like filth are a few social workers and a few friends, the rest treat me as damaged filth. Maybe I just got super unlucky in my entourage but I cannot extend my graduation ,this takes a huge toll on my mental health in general. If I had recovered from my traumas enough to be functional just 1 year earlier,I'd have been done with my degree before I ran out of resources.


As I said, I don't know if I have the grit in me to be treated like a social pariah for 2-3 more years and grind hardcore while out of fuel and feeling like it's me against the world. Hell even working a minimum wage job will come with humiliation from whoever recognizes me. It happened once, it got back to former classmates and ex-friends (after I failed out we lost contact);that are now well established healthcare professionals, the whole thing it made me spiral so I stopped working there

It'll take grit to endure a lot of that for the following years after having endured it for long enough already

Anyway because of all of the above, I refuse to extend my graduation date. I want to graduate asap. University isn't hard at all, I just took too long to recover from my train as and exhausted most of my resources during that time.

there is nothing that should be humiliating about working a minimum wage job or taking the time you need. it really sucks that you've been conditioned to think so. success is merely one part of life, nice if it happens but it's definitely not everything. i would say just lean on the people that treat you better. and try to shake off the false ideas that have been planted into you, don't blame yourself tho, it doesn't happen overnight. i'm proud of ya internet stranger.

 

[Exhausted546]

there is nothing that should be humiliating about working a minimum wage job or taking the time you need. it really sucks that you've been conditioned to think so. success is merely one part of life, nice if it happens but it's definitely not everything. i would say just lean on the people that treat you better. and try to shake off the false ideas that have been planted into you, don't blame yourself tho, it doesn't happen overnight. i'm proud of ya internet stranger.

This is honestly what I've been discussing with the supportive friends that know about me wanting to ctb. I'm mainly worried about whether I have the stamina and grit to struggle working many hours at a dead-end job, while taking enough classes (even if I'm eligible for the bursary,I need 4 engineering classes per semester to qualify for it. I have 9 classes remaining to get my degree), I'm not sure I can handle all that workload, all of this while feeling like a social pariah and being mocked regularly

Honestly writing that down, I'm not sure I can do it still. I regret that I ran out of ressources

My friends told me to keep my head up and cut my family off cause they and their entourage are the main source of what makes me spiral. Apparently this weekend they were shit talking about me going nowhere in life and still being in university and how I'd never graduate (it was my niece's baptism, wasn't invited as I had a fallout with her asshole father (my 3rd brother), it's for the better,they would have humiliated me anyway)

It's extremely disgusting that I would have been very successful by now had I cut off my family a 11 years ago, yet I'm the only one still paying for the consequences. It's my fault ultimately, if I was to redo my life, I could keep everything intact but simply cut them off before their toxicity ruined everything

Anyway thank you I'll think things through but I'm not sure what I'm going to do. My father is back, he was out for 1h15 mins

 

[junctionbox]

This is honestly what I've been discussing with the supportive friends that know about me wanting to ctb. I'm mainly worried about whether I have the stamina and grit to struggle working many hours at a dead-end job, while taking enough classes (even if I'm eligible for the bursary,I need 4 engineering classes per semester to qualify for it. I have 9 classes remaining to get my degree), I'm not sure I can handle all that workload, all of this while feeling like a social pariah and being mocked regularly

Honestly writing that down, I'm not sure I can do it still. I regret that I ran out of ressources

My friends told me to keep my head up and cut my family off cause they and their entourage are the main source of what makes me spiral. Apparently this weekend they were shit talking about me going nowhere in life and still being in university and how I'd never graduate (it was my niece's baptism, wasn't invited as I had a fallout with her asshole father (my 3rd brother), it's for the better,they would have humiliated me anyway)

Anyway thank you I'll think things through but I'm not sure what I'm going to do. My father is back, he was out for 1h15 mins

i'm happy you have supportive company. i also had a mental breakdown after trauma and from overworking myself with school and work simultaneously. i never really got anywhere with my studies but it's just part of my life story now. now that i'm returning to uni (edit to say, i dropped out of my major program and am doing other studies now for fun) and work, i'm doing as little as i possibly can to keep myself safe and healthy. or so i try to do. i guess i'm telling you this to kinda try to convince you that there can be life after dropping out. running out of resources happens, you probably wouldn't have burned yourself out had you known it would take this long to recover. i always try to think that i did the best with the info i had at whichever time.
your family sounds like they suuuuuuuuuuuuuccckkkk. majorly. royally. can't stop talking shit even at a baptism? okkk. try not to let them get inside ur head anymore, although easier said than done. i wish you nothing but the best. if u ever want to talk i'm on here sometimes:)

 

[Exhausted546]

i'm happy you have supportive company. i also had a mental breakdown after trauma and from overworking myself with school and work simultaneously. i never really got anywhere with my studies but it's just part of my life story now. now that i'm returning to uni (edit to say, i dropped out of my major program and am doing other studies now for fun) and work, i'm doing as little as i possibly can to keep myself safe and healthy. or so i try to do. i guess i'm telling you this to kinda try to convince you that there can be life after dropping out. running out of resources happens, you probably wouldn't have burned yourself out had you known it would take this long to recover. i always try to think that i did the best with the info i had at whichever time.
your family sounds like they suuuuuuuuuuuuuccckkkk. majorly. royally. can't stop talking shit even at a baptism? okkk. try not to let them get inside ur head anymore, although easier said than done. i wish you nothing but the best. if u ever want to talk i'm on here sometimes:)

I'm really sorry you had to go through that, I hope there were people present to support you through that difficult period of your life. And thank you for taking the time respond to my thread. You're right if I had understood that I needed to take a long break, I wouldn't have run out of ressources. Yeah my family sucks,they weren't like this before my mother turned them against me however. They were the people I loved the most in the world so it hurt extra hard when everything went down

Yeah I these friends for a lot. They've been supporting me from when I was struggling to pick myself back up all the way to when I finally started being able to function well again and do well in school, I feel bad because as I thought I was out of the trenches, I ran out of ressources. In the end I've become the friend that's never going well, some lost patience with me so I avoid talking about my issues as much as possible,they are genuinely great friends however, I'd miss them

 

[aoseno perpetuo]

im sure youve heard it many times in this thread alone, i have not checked, but be aware how final this is if you go through with it, and that there is also a possibility you could be saved and experience brain damage if you are not careful at the same time.

 

[Exhausted546]

im sure youve heard it many times in this thread alone, i have not checked, but be aware how final this is if you go through with it, and that there is also a possibility you could be saved and experience brain damage if you are not careful at the same time.

I'm well aware, I'm just exhausted and out of fight and this isn't a world you can survive in without fighting

I'll get another hour to end my life tomorrow 4pm if I can't convince myself that I have what i have the stamina and grit necessary to keep struggling. The rope is already ready and lubed up, although I didn't test the length, should have done so today

The past 11 years were absolutely miserable,of they're an indicator of what's ahead then I prefer dying. Anyway I gained a extra day to think things through

 

[junctionbox]

I'm really sorry you had to go through that, I hope there were people present to support you through that difficult period of your life. And thank you for taking the time respond to my thread. You're right if I had understood that I needed to take a long break, I wouldn't have run out of ressources. Yeah my family sucks,they weren't like this before my mother turned them against me however. They were the people I loved the most in the world so it hurt extra hard when everything went down

Yeah I these friends for a lot. They've been supporting me from when I was struggling to pick myself back up all the way to when I finally started being able to function well again and do well in school, I feel bad because as I thought I was out of the trenches, I ran out of ressources. In the end I've become the friend that's never going well, some lost patience with me so I avoid talking about my issues as much as possible,they are genuinely great friends however, I'd miss them

oof. i feel you on being the friend that's never doing well. it can be so disheartening just to hear all the great things my friends are achieving, and i'm happy for them, i am, but there's a little sting in my heart when i have nothing to add to the conversation. i can only imagine how it is for you, surrounded by people that attempt to measure your worth by how successful you've been work-wise. but the truth is, you and i have probably been through things that are completely foreign to them, be that traumatic things that have happened or the way our brains have been wired. you and i are in a bubble, let us remind ourselves that we are on a suicide forum right now, a forum that most people would find offensive or shocking. i'm willing to bet that most people that give you shit have never seriously considered suicide. they have not looked at trees on their forest walk that way, they haven't lubed up a rope and fitted it around their neck, they probably don't know the intricacies of different hanging techniques or which ukrainian website to order meat curing salts from. lol.

i am doing well now, and for me that means that i finally enjoy some parts of my life, i feel more in control of it and i don't want to die all the time. for some reason, that's a type of success that your family or society in general doesn't recognize. i still think i might die by my own hand one day, but that will be with the knowledge that i tried everything i could to enjoy life.

i would honestly hate to see you go but i will respect your choice if it is suicide. i would love to hear how you're feeling today.

 

[Exhausted546]

oof. i feel you on being the friend that's never doing well. it can be so disheartening just to hear all the great things my friends are achieving, and i'm happy for them, i am, but there's a little sting in my heart when i have nothing to add to the conversation. i can only imagine how it is for you, surrounded by people that attempt to measure your worth by how successful you've been work-wise. but the truth is, you and i have probably been through things that are completely foreign to them, be that traumatic things that have happened or the way our brains have been wired. you and i are in a bubble, let us remind ourselves that we are on a suicide forum right now, a forum that most people would find offensive or shocking. i'm willing to bet that most people that give you shit have never seriously considered suicide. they have not looked at trees on their forest walk that way, they haven't lubed up a rope and fitted it around their neck, they probably don't know the intricacies of different hanging techniques or which ukrainian website to order meat curing salts from. lol.

i am doing well now, and for me that means that i finally enjoy some parts of my life, i feel more in control of it and i don't want to die all the time. for some reason, that's a type of success that your family or society in general doesn't recognize. i still think i might die by my own hand one day, but that will be with the knowledge that i tried everything i could to enjoy life.

i would honestly hate to see you go but i will respect your choice if it is suicide. i would love to hear how you're feeling today.

Yeah it sucks. From people's perspective, I'm a lazy bum who's innately incapable and constantly makes excuses as to why he struggled for so long when I'm fact it was just being innately incapable.

I of course don't see myself that way and know my brothers wouldn't be successful if they had they go through what I went through (I had major health issues on top of everything ,which already made me very vulnerable to the psychological abuse that ensued. Without the health issues, I don't think the psychological abuse would have impacted me nearly as much)

My family (aside from my neutral sibling) has been insisting for the past decade that I start seeing myself the way they see me, as an innately incapable loser that was always doomed to fail, I don't know what result they think that'll bring forth beside suicide. They must not have thought that long about it

But honestly I thought a lot since yesterday, spoke with a friend about my prospects and even in the best case scenario the next couple years look beyond bleak. I can't fool myself into believing I have enough strength to endure struggling through grit while simultaneously being treated like a social pariah for 3ish more years without constantly spiraling and wanting to end this long saga of misery already

I think I'll die today. I'm not fully sure yet but I'm at 60% sure. I think 11 years of miserable struggle was enough, I won't extend it for another 2-3 years

 

[junctionbox]

Yeah it sucks. From people's perspective, I'm a lazy bum who's innately incapable and constantly makes excuses as to why he struggled for so long when I'm fact it was just being innately incapable.

I of course don't see myself that way and know my brothers wouldn't be successful if they had they go through what I went through (I had major health issues on top of everything ,which already made me very vulnerable to the psychological abuse that ensued. Without the health issues, I don't think the psychological abuse would have impacted me nearly as much)

My family (aside from my neutral sibling) has been insisting for the past decade that I start seeing myself the way they see me, as an innately incapable loser that was always doomed to fail, I don't know what result they think that'll bring forth beside suicide. They must not have thought that long about it

But honestly I thought a lot since yesterday, spoke with a friend about my prospects and even in the best case scenario the next couple years look beyond bleak. I can't fool myself into believing I have enough strength to endure struggling through grit while simultaneously being treated like a social pariah for 3ish more years without constantly spiraling and wanting to end this long saga of misery already

I think I'll die today. I'm not fully sure yet but I'm at 60% sure. I think 11 years of miserable struggle was enough, I won't extend it for another 2-3 years

could i encourage you to try?
it wouldn't have to be 2 or 3 years. just think maybe, a month, a week, a day in advance. if you have the strength to try and get an apartment and a job and see how you feel then. start a class, see if it brings you joy. if there's maybe some prospects you haven't thought of because the truth is, some things you can't think of or solve in advance. this spring i was pretty much sure i wasn't going to be able afford to keep on living because i couldn't get a job and i couldn't get any government aid. then a relative swooped in that i really wasn't expecting. one thing i could've also tried was getting a loan, but that felt impossible at the time because i had no real idea of how i could ever pay it back, and the possibility of being denied the loan was also too much at the time. i say this because it drilled into me the thought that sometimes life surprises you, it often does, and in your hardest times it's not the best to try to think very far ahead. just for the next little while. i know the panic of not knowing how you will afford life, it is a huge one, and the feeling of being stuck or in a dead end. it's horrible. i'm rambling now. but one thing i know for sure is that your family is full of shit. what kind of bleak life force stealing bunch of doomers they must be.

 

[Ben 111]

Yeah it sucks. From people's perspective, I'm a lazy bum who's innately incapable and constantly makes excuses as to why he struggled for so long when I'm fact it was just being innately incapable.

I of course don't see myself that way and know my brothers wouldn't be successful if they had they go through what I went through (I had major health issues on top of everything ,which already made me very vulnerable to the psychological abuse that ensued. Without the health issues, I don't think the psychological abuse would have impacted me nearly as much)

My family (aside from my neutral sibling) has been insisting for the past decade that I start seeing myself the way they see me, as an innately incapable loser that was always doomed to fail, I don't know what result they think that'll bring forth beside suicide. They must not have thought that long about it

But honestly I thought a lot since yesterday, spoke with a friend about my prospects and even in the best case scenario the next couple years look beyond bleak. I can't fool myself into believing I have enough strength to endure struggling through grit while simultaneously being treated like a social pariah for 3ish more years without constantly spiraling and wanting to end this long saga of misery already

I think I'll die today. I'm not fully sure yet but I'm at 60% sure. I think 11 years of miserable struggle was enough, I won't extend it for another 2-3 years

Ur not alone

 

[never mind me]

Honestly fuck your family! They sound like giant assholes! I understand that you are tired of struggling, but if being humilated by these people is your main reason to die it would really be a waste. I agree with your friends, try to distance yourself from your family as much as you possibly can and try to finish university. I know it's probably easier said than done as you are currently staying at your father's place. But even, if you can't currently afford to rent your own place I think you should try to keep contact with your family at a minimum. And if possible avoid it altogether with extended family you are not dependent on. Being constantly told that you are a loser can really get at you. I experienced the same thing from my mother and although I avoided having contact with her to the point of only speaking on the phone a few times a year and not seeing her at all a few years after moving out, it took me years to have a more positive image of myself than the shitty and unrealistic image of myself she had instilled in me. Actually I only realized how much her belittling me still upset me after finally completely cutting all contact with her. So I think it can really make a huge difference for your mental health and general well-being, when you eventually manage to cut off your family.
In general it would probably be helpful, if you could care a bit less about what other people say. After all it's not their life, so it's not their problem, if you take a few years longer than others to graduate. From what you write I assume you are in North America, possibly in the US and honestly the emphasisis that is placed there on success in university or a job and earning as much money as you possibly can is just insane. I'm from Europe, but I have travelled extensively through the US by hitchhiking and I was quite bewildered how US-Americans can treat having a good job like the most importang thing in life. Most people in Europe (and many other parts of the world) simply don't care as much about careers and money. And interestingly people from the US who have travelled overseas (and I mean real travel, that gets them to interact with local people, not a 1 week spring break in Cancun) or even lived overseas agree with me. Of course you still need to make ends meet and I'm aware that being poor puts even more stress on you, if you live in a country with an insufficient or non-existent welfare system. But it would maybe help, if you don't feel ashamed for being poor, if you don't consider yourself a loser just because you are working a minimum wage job. If it helps you to eventually graduate and build a better future for yourself it may very well be worth it. When I studied for my bachelor's degree there were people in class who were in their mid-30s when they started the course. And nobody thought there was anything wrong with it. And at least one of them took till she was 50 till she managed to get a good job that matches her qualification (she studied a lot longer than normal due to chronic illness), but still nobody says anything bad about it and she seems quite content to have reached her goal, although it took very long.

 

[Exhausted546]

could i encourage you to try?
it wouldn't have to be 2 or 3 years. just think maybe, a month, a week, a day in advance. if you have the strength to try and get an apartment and a job and see how you feel then. start a class, see if it brings you joy. if there's maybe some prospects you haven't thought of because the truth is, some things you can't think of or solve in advance. this spring i was pretty much sure i wasn't going to be able afford to keep on living because i couldn't get a job and i couldn't get any government aid. then a relative swooped in that i really wasn't expecting. one thing i could've also tried was getting a loan, but that felt impossible at the time because i had no real idea of how i could ever pay it back, and the possibility of being denied the loan was also too much at the time. i say this because it drilled into me the thought that sometimes life surprises you, it often does, and in your hardest times it's not the best to try to think very far ahead. just for the next little while. i know the panic of not knowing how you will afford life, it is a huge one, and the feeling of being stuck or in a dead end. it's horrible. i'm rambling now. but one thing i know for sure is that your family is full of shit. what kind of bleak life force stealing bunch of doomers they must be.

I truly appreciate but honestly the 11 past years taught me life surprises you with more and more hardships. My best case scenario already looks bleak, what I'll have to endure will likely be much worse and more humiliating. Then again you're right, I'm looking too far ahead,maybe things will start look good for once but truthfully, I have extreme difficulty picturing things going my way.
Things have only gotten worse since l ran out of ressources à year ago , you'll get treated worse, disrespected and mocked more and so on. I've had enough. But maybe I should just see things one day at a time and hope next day goes better than the previous one. Focus on getting a job, then an appart, cutting off all the toxicity from my life to protect my mental health, doing one class at a time.......it almost sounds feasible when seen like that but I know things are never that simple

Also for my family, my biggest regret is being passive and broken for so long, if I could wind back time, I'd fight like a rabid dog to escape them before they broke me. I don't even need to go back 11 yrs ago, even 6 years ago, I should have understood my siblings' nature already and cut my losses instead of constantly hoping they realize how fucked up they're being. I regret having been so damn passive,I can only blame myself for that.

If I end up surviving, I could only blame myself for allowing their toxicity to keep affecting me instead of cutting them off altogether

Honestly fuck your family! They sound like giant assholes! I understand that you are tired of struggling, but if being humilated by these people is your main reason to die it would really be a waste. I agree with your friends, try to distance yourself from your family as much as you possibly can and try to finish university. I know it's probably easier said than done as you are currently staying at your father's place. But even, if you can't currently afford to rent your own place I think you should try to keep contact with your family at a minimum. And if possible avoid it altogether with extended family you are not dependent on. Being constantly told that you are a loser can really get at you. I experienced the same thing from my mother and although I avoided having contact with her to the point of only speaking on the phone a few times a year and not seeing her at all a few years after moving out, it took me years to have a more positive image of myself than the shitty and unrealistic image of myself she had instilled in me. Actually I only realized how much her belittling me still upset me after finally completely cutting all contact with her. So I think it can really make a huge difference for your mental health and general well-being, when you eventually manage to cut off your family.
In general it would probably be helpful, if you could care a bit less about what other people say. After all it's not their life, so it's not their problem, if you take a few years longer than others to graduate. From what you write I assume you are in North America, possibly in the US and honestly the emphasisis that is placed there on success in university or a job and earning as much money as you possibly can is just insane. I'm from Europe, but I have travelled extensively through the US by hitchhiking and I was quite bewildered how US-Americans can treat having a good job like the most importang thing in life. Most people in Europe (and many other parts of the world) simply don't care as much about careers and money. And interestingly people from the US who have travelled overseas (and I mean real travel, that gets them to interact with local people, not a 1 week spring break in Cancun) or even lived overseas agree with me. Of course you still need to make ends meet and I'm aware that being poor puts even more stress on you, if you live in a country with an insufficient or non-existent welfare system. But it would maybe help, if you don't feel ashamed for being poor, if you don't consider yourself a loser just because you are working a minimum wage job. If it helps you to eventually graduate and build a better future for yourself it may very well be worth it. When I studied for my bachelor's degree there were people in class who were in their mid-30s when they started the course. And nobody thought there was anything wrong with it. And at least one of them took till she was 50 till she managed to get a good job that matches her qualification (she studied a lot longer than normal due to chronic illness), but still nobody says anything bad about it and she seems quite content to have reached her goal, although it took very long.

I appreciate it, I'm actually in Canada and there's definitely just as much of a focus on people's profession from personal experience, until I graduate and start working I'll be treated like filth by my entourage (aside from my friends, although some friend did let me know that their entourage talk shit about me still being in university and how I was going nowhere in life and it was better to cut me off cause I'm dead weight) so it really feels like until I graduate I cannot get my life started and I'll have to continue being regularly humiliated and such. Don't get me started on trying to explain to government agencies why I'm still in university and such, they ask such intrusive questions only to end up treating you like a filth, I can't even begin to imagine how they treat people that have been homeless for extended periods of time and ask for government assistance. It's demoralizing

Also I'm very sorry you went through that, I came definitely relate. While I'm still in the midst of it,it's not nearly as bad as it was 11 years ago when I was still in contact with my mother, she was the most abusive sociopath I know of, for like 6 years I had constant nightmares where she would stab me and my brothers would sit there and watch nonchalantly blaming me for getting stabbed, its awfully representative of reality, she did long lasting damage I took so many years to heal from. My siblings looking down on me was never as fucked up as the psychological abuse she would do on a daily basis. And now my eldest wants to force me back in that environment, using the fact that I'm still struggling 11 years later as proof that she never did anything wrong and I was always going to fail anyway. How suffocating and disgusting,I'll die before I ever go back there. Anyway MB for the rant, I know that I'll need some sort of distance on order to rebuild myself, I just feel like it's a never ending nightmare

I'm glad you got away, I hope your mother's words have less effect on you now

Anyway I applied to a lot of places, I was notified that I have an interview in 2 weeks at a grocery store. Honestly I'm still not sure if life is worth carrying on

Also honestly,I feel like my personal growth was severely stunted 11 years ago. Even by the time I crawl out of this hole,I have so much to catch up to and make up for,it's exhausting

 

[junctionbox]

I truly appreciate but honestly the 11 past years taught me life surprises you with more and more hardships. My best case scenario already looks bleak, what I'll have to endure will likely be much worse and more humiliating. Then again you're right, I'm looking too far ahead,maybe things will start look good for once but truthfully, I have extreme difficulty picturing things going my way.
Things have only gotten worse since l ran out of ressources à year ago , you'll get treated worse, disrespected and mocked more and so on. I've had enough. But maybe I should just see things one day at a time and hope next day goes better than the previous one. Focus on getting a job, then an appart, cutting off all the toxicity from my life to protect my mental health, doing one class at a time.......it almost sounds feasible when seen like that but I know things are never that simple

Also for my family, my biggest regret is being passive and broken for so long, if I could wind back time, I'd fight like a rabid dog to escape them before they broke me. I don't even need to go back 11 yrs ago, even 6 years ago, I should have understood my siblings' nature already and cut my losses instead of constantly hoping they realize how fucked up they're being. I regret having been so damn passive,I can only blame myself for that.

If I end up surviving, I could only blame myself for allowing their toxicity to keep affecting me instead of cutting them off altogether.

I appreciate it, I'm actually in Canada and there's definitely just as much of a focus on people's profession from personal experience, until I graduate and start working I'll be treated like filth by my entourage (aside from my friends, although some friend did let me know that their entourage talk shit about me still being in university and how I was going nowhere in life and it was better to cut me off cause I'm dead weight) so it really feels like until I graduate I cannot get my life started and I'll have to continue being regularly humiliated and such. Don't get me started on trying to explain to government agencies why I'm still in university and such, they ask such intrusive questions only to end up treating you like a filth, I can't even begin to imagine how they treat people that have been homeless for extended periods of time and ask for government assistance. It's demoralizing

Anyway I applied to a lot of places, I was notified that I have an interview in 2 weeks at a grocery store. Honestly I'm still not sure if life is worth carrying on

Also honestly,I feel like my personal growth was severely stunted 11 years ago. Even by the time I crawl out of this hole,I have so much to catch up to and make up for,it's exhausting

you have extreme difficulty picturing things going your way because you cannot reliably picture the future. the only thing we can know for sure about the future is that it cannot be forced to be a certain way. if you could've pictured your future reliably before, you would have dropped your family, right? but you didn't because you didn't know how they would be. you couldn't have known. don't blame yourself.

family trauma is difficult precisely because it's so complicated. they are horrible, yet you still love them. that's what makes it so hard. again, don't blame yourself.

i'm not saying your life will magically become easy once you "choose life". that's not how it works, it is a gradual process. or so it has been for me. idk if i told you already but one of my main things that kept me here was genuine curiosity if things could get better, if it was possible for me to feel better. i never made any promises that i wasn't ever going to kill myself (except to my little sister, i'm not going to kill myself while she is too young) but i did want to try to live. when you speak about seeing things one day at a time and cutting off toxicity and so on, between the lines i read that same curiosity that kept me from not committing, though i might be projecting. you're right in that life will not be simple, it never will be, but i would venture to say that you are wrong to say that it can't get better. it's physical life circumstances we are talking about here, and you already got a job interview. might not be easy, that interview might not end up going through, but that doesn't mean that no interview ever will. also, if i've understood you correctly, you still have 3 years of bursaries to finish less than 10 courses. you are not in a crazy rush. you could even take a break from university as far as i understand, focus on job and apartment stuff for a couple of months and then get back to it. before you say you will be ridiculed and you don't want to extend your graduation date anymore, i say that, even though i hate the focus on success/grindset/the worldview where everything has to be profitable and efficient, even in that worldview, it will be more efficient for you to take things one step at a time. to be gentle and kind with yourself. i can hardly imagine you are getting much uni and work stuff done while berating yourself and considering suicide every day. you could try a gentler approach, which is the one you deserve. you could try to have another voice in your head aside from the one that comes from your family and whatever fuckass entourage they have. you need not sacrifice another thought to them. i hope some of this makes some sense.

to end with, a quote from clarice lispector: "and it is inside myself that i must create someone who will understand." i like to think that if nobody else has my back, i myself will. or at least try to.

 

[Exhausted546]

you have extreme difficulty picturing things going your way because you cannot reliably picture the future. the only thing we can know for sure about the future is that it cannot be forced to be a certain way. if you could've pictured your future reliably before, you would have dropped your family, right? but you didn't because you didn't know how they would be. you couldn't have known. don't blame yourself.

family trauma is difficult precisely because it's so complicated. they are horrible, yet you still love them. that's what makes it so hard. again, don't blame yourself.

i'm not saying your life will magically become easy once you "choose life". that's not how it works, it is a gradual process. or so it has been for me. idk if i told you already but one of my main things that kept me here was genuine curiosity if things could get better, if it was possible for me to feel better. i never made any promises that i wasn't ever going to kill myself (except to my little sister, i'm not going to kill myself while she is too young) but i did want to try to live. when you speak about seeing things one day at a time and cutting off toxicity and so on, between the lines i read that same curiosity that kept me from not committing, though i might be projecting. you're right in that life will not be simple, it never will be, but i would venture to say that you are wrong to say that it can't get better. it's physical life circumstances we are talking about here, and you already got a job interview. might not be easy, that interview might not end up going through, but that doesn't mean that no interview ever will. also, if i've understood you correctly, you still have 3 years of bursaries to finish less than 10 courses. you are not in a crazy rush. you could even take a break from university as far as i understand, focus on job and apartment stuff for a couple of months and then get back to it. before you say you will be ridiculed and you don't want to extend your graduation date anymore, i say that, even though i hate the focus on success/grindset/the worldview where everything has to be profitable and efficient, even in that worldview, it will be more efficient for you to take things one step at a time. to be gentle and kind with yourself. i can hardly imagine you are getting much uni and work stuff done while berating yourself and considering suicide every day. you could try a gentler approach, which is the one you deserve. you could try to have another voice in your head aside from the one that comes from your family and whatever fuckass entourage they have. you need not sacrifice another thought to them. i hope some of this makes some sense.

to end with, a quote from clarice lispector: "and it is inside myself that i must create someone who will understand." i like to think that if nobody else has my back, i myself will. or at least try to.

That's quite a deep quote. Actually a school counselor told me the exact same thing you just told me , that the voice in my head is just my family's words that I internalized and that I need to create a voice that believes in me.

Also you are right, since my last talk with my eldest brother (he really went off on me being a loser,how he knew from day 1 I wouldn't succeed,how I'll never graduate ,how I don't get to make my decisions in life anymore cause clearly the past 11 years of struggle proved them right that I was incapable as they've always said,how I need to be treated like a little child for whom we decide and I must go back to live with my mother or end up homeless (When I mentioned that I had a friend that suggested I move in with her in a 2 bedroom apartment, he acted as if I had said the most outrageous thing for deciding to live with a friend instead of my own (very abusive,toxic, sociopathic,cruel) mother and that I didn't have the right to do so.) He clearly prefers me feeling like I only have the choice between homelessness and going back to that abusive hellhole.

It's all around disgusting and suffocating, the wait he talks to me and wants to keep treating me,why would I ever want that kind of life?. The worst is, I can see the pressure they are trying to put on me, once I'm cornered enough, they can break me and my spirit as much as they'd like to reshape me to fill a role that makes them comfortable. It's all around disgusting. He went off on how I imagined my traumas, nothing ever happened, I'm a burden to the family, and I'm to blame for my mother getting sick cause I cut her off and so on and on) anyway I digress, after that talk, I started spiraling like crazy and being actively suicidal again, in the very rare moments I wasn't suicidal I managed to study enough to do well on my midterms. But I couldn't keep it up for the finals,I was spiraling way too much, ended up never studying past the midterms and failing the finals.

If my family was to learn,as typical they would use that as further evidence to enforce their narrative that I've always been incapable and was always doomed to fail down my throat. I understand that in life, only the results matter,regardless of what brought you there.

Seeing how talking with him made me spiral, if I am to survive, I'll need to cut contact with my family otherwise I'll keep spiraling and won't function properly.


As for university, you need to be a full-time student to qualify for the bursary, if you go 1 academic year without getting the bursary once ,you can't ever qualify for the bursary anymore. So in order to qualify i'd need at least pass 1 semester of 4 courses during the upcoming academic year
Which would hardly be possible while working enough to afford rent and all.

But there's might something I could do to better my situation somewhere out there if I tale it one step at a time. It's just really really really hard to believe and currently impossible to see. Like I've been accumulating so many Ls for long enough that I don't feel as though there's anything better than that ahead

In any case I appreciate your concern. There's 2 hours left until 4pm, so I'll think about it a bit longer. My dad might not allow me to sleep at his house this weekend, I dont have many opportunities left to ctb. The trees thing is way too hard