New member here. None of this is unique I'm sure but I don't have anywhere else to talk about it. I have a therapist but am afraid I'll end up in a psych ward if I'm fully forthcoming.
So this year has been rough. My anxiety disorder has made the COVID crisis extra difficult to deal with. And now there's been some personal losses adding to the pain. The most recent is the end of my two-year LTR which I accidentally caused. It was due to saying something stupid. I've always had bad interpersonal skills due to a slight case of autism.
Someone trying to be supportive might say "These things will all pass." Which is true but I'll still be stuck being me. I've always hated myself for being so clueless with people. And it makes everything harder. My interpersonal skills are not likely to improve much; I'm already middle-aged so it's too late to expect big changes in myself. Finding a new LTR would be like winning the lottery and I'd just mess that one up too. I have three friends but they're across the country. And who knows when I will alienate them too. My parents are supportive but they're in their 70s now and may not be around much longer. So I figure the rest of my life will be dismally lonely.
All of this has me thinking a lot about ctb. Been pondering some options this week and starting to make a plan. It would be nice to be done with all this pain. But right now I'm scared to actually follow through. So I don't know if I'm actually committed to this or not. These problems seem big and painful but maybe they're actually not. I just feel so overwhelmed
Not sure what kind of response I'm looking for. Just wanted to get all this out. Thanks for reading
So this year has been rough. My anxiety disorder has made the COVID crisis extra difficult to deal with. And now there's been some personal losses adding to the pain. The most recent is the end of my two-year LTR which I accidentally caused. It was due to saying something stupid. I've always had bad interpersonal skills due to a slight case of autism.
Someone trying to be supportive might say "These things will all pass." Which is true but I'll still be stuck being me. I've always hated myself for being so clueless with people. And it makes everything harder. My interpersonal skills are not likely to improve much; I'm already middle-aged so it's too late to expect big changes in myself. Finding a new LTR would be like winning the lottery and I'd just mess that one up too. I have three friends but they're across the country. And who knows when I will alienate them too. My parents are supportive but they're in their 70s now and may not be around much longer. So I figure the rest of my life will be dismally lonely.
All of this has me thinking a lot about ctb. Been pondering some options this week and starting to make a plan. It would be nice to be done with all this pain. But right now I'm scared to actually follow through. So I don't know if I'm actually committed to this or not. These problems seem big and painful but maybe they're actually not. I just feel so overwhelmed
Not sure what kind of response I'm looking for. Just wanted to get all this out. Thanks for reading
