Feeling ashamed

[stilltrying]

Does you also feel ashamed of the fact you're going to ctb? I order my SN to always have a prepared way out when I feel I can't handle things anymore. I'm not really afraid of dying, only worried about my family, if they will be able to carry on afterwards and I fear it might stop me from ctb. I wish I could make it look as an accident, so that everyone who I left behind won't suffer as much. I feel like it's going to be a shame for my family when all people they know, our neighbours etc find out I ctb. i don't want my death to be discussed everywhere, I wish I could dissapear quietly without anyone noticing

 

[death137]

No. In fact I do want ppl to know that I ctb although I know that most of them don't care. The thing I'm ashamed is I stayed this long.

I worry by the thought of ppl discussing the reason why I left. I never told anyone irl the real reason why I'm depressed but anyone with an eye can guess right. I know being ugly is a legitimate reason to ctb (any reason is legitimate as long as the person is suffering from it). It's fine by me if they talk about me just ctb but I don't want them to talk about the real reason. I know it's illogical to worry because death is probably final and I won't be here to observe it but I still worry.

 

[stilltrying]

No. In fact I do want ppl to know that I ctb although I know that most of them don't care. The thing I'm ashamed is I stayed this long.

I'm afraid that people in my neighbourhood will look strangly at my parents and they will talk about me and gossip why I did it when all I want is peace.

 

[Apricity]

Slightly. Only because my in-laws will probably look upon that unfavorably. I don't really care what everyone else thinks, but I respect my father-in-law enough to where his opinion of me matters. I guess i won't care if I'm dead, but the thought of disappointing him makes me feel bad now.

 

[stilltrying]

Slightly. Only because my in-laws will probably look upon that unfavorably. I don't really care what everyone else thinks, but I respect my father-in-law enough to where his opinion of me matters. I guess i won't care if I'm dead, but the thought of disappointing him makes me feel bad now.

Aren't you afraid of neighbours gossping etc? Cause that's what I fear the most

 

[Apricity]

Aren't you afraid of neighbours gossping etc? Cause that's what I fear the most

I don't even socialize with my neighbors, they can talk all the crap they want.

 

[stilltrying]

I don't even socialize with my neighbors, they can talk all the crap they want.

Well, you're quite lucky. I don't socialize with them either, but my parents do and I'm afraid of how they will deal with all those gossips. I guess you can't run away from it in small society.

 

[Apricity]

Well, you're quite lucky. I don't socialize with them either, but my parents do and I'm afraid of how they will deal with all those gossips. I guess you can't run away from it in small society.

Maybe tell everyone you're moving soon. Even your parents, so that if it gets back to them, they won't accidentally blow your cover story. When it's time, go to the nearest big city and rent a room and ctb there. Send a delayed email to your family asking them to keep your business private.

 

[FuneralCry]

I do not feel ashamed at all. I want to die at a time of my own choosing, I want to take control and end all the suffering. I do not care about other peoples reactions, by that point I will be gone. I have the right to exit this world when I want, it is my life, my decision. I never asked to be alive in the first place. Suicide is the way for me to find peace, and be free from a horrible existence.

 

[noname223]

More the opposite. I am more afraid to live the life of a loser. However it pretty much looks like that I have missed out the right moment to die with my whole dignitiy.
Though I try to fight these thoughts. I am feeling ashamed when I am alive and not ctb. I try to tell me that is wrong. It needs much to fight or to ctb. Both can be with dignity.
I am quite ambivalent. I try to tell trying to avoid suicide is the right move espeicailly ethically. Despite the fact I am feeling like a complete loser who should have ctb years ago.