Venting feel embarrassed that i was born if i wasn't actually wanted

[eggsausagerice]

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for most of my life i've truly believed that i deserve to die and suffer. god punishes people that are bad and don't believe in him, and if i'm always in pain and don't believe in god then i must be getting tortured for not seeing that i'm supposed to believe in him. my own suffering is my fault because of a god i hate. that's one of the main reasons i used to believe in god as a kid, because i figured i was one of the sinners that he hated. now that i don't believe in him anymore as an adult i don't have anything to pin my suffering on anymore besides me being an inherently bad person that makes my life unbearable.

i hate myself a lot. everyone i know eventually sees me say something negative. it slips out and i don't notice. i try not to talk about suicide, but i still wish one of my friends talked about suicide openly so that i could finally say how i've been feeling since i was young. but no one is actually as hopelessly depressed as me. i'm horrifically insecure and it's led to me pushing people away and people distancing themselves from me because they didn't want to deal with my emotional baggage. i don't have any hope if my parents are always going to push me down and then judge me for not believing for myself at the same time. i'm always going to secretly wish they liked me, because i know they don't and wish i was dead so they don't have to take care of me anymore. i wish there was something i could pin all my misery on, like trauma or abuse or an illness i have. but even though i have trauma i'm not traumatized enough to make it warp my entire perspective of my life. i didn't go through anything awful. i'm just lonely and i got taken advantage of older guys when i was young to try to be less lonely, then again when i became an adult because i didn't get any less lonely. i'm not suffering or in agony. it's just painful to be lonely and to be so devoid of meaning. i know other people's lives are definitely worse than this.

i want to be human the way other people are. i've felt like this for as long i was capable of thinking, probably. it always makes me feel so dramatic to have my attachment issues be the reason i want to kill myself, but i feel like i've been ruined from the start because i have such little motivation and desire to improve or get out of bed unless it's for someone else. i can't live if it's for my own sake, but if i live for other people they're only going to leave me. i don't want to be left behind anymore, but i don't have anything to actually offer people to make them stay. i've wasted so much time hating myself and not pursuing my interests because i felt so ashamed of myself for being alive if my birth just seemed to make my parents embarrassed. i was too afraid to like what i really liked, while i tried to appeal to other people and adopt their interests instead. i wish i could just live without needing to feed off of someone's attention like a parasite.