Venting Even when things are going good I find a way to be depressed.

[mdd]

I just wanted to let my thoughts out but I don't really know where to start.

Over the last year I've gotten a job I actually like, been promoted a few times, gotten a girlfriend and had an overall good year. I actually told myself "this is the year of self improvement." But as usual, I find a way to fuck it up.

Over the past few months I started drinking a lot more, did drugs I never thought I'd do (some great, some bad) and found out I'm not sure how to let anyone in anymore.

And the thoughts that have been occurring to me lately are the same throughout the years;

'What's the point?' or 'I don't want to live in a world like this.' No matter how good or bad I do it's the same net result; I'll be dead in the end.

In the last month I've found myself revisiting these thoughts, being filled with anxiety and dread. It almost feels impossible to pull myself out of bed and go to work, by the time I get there I'm already thinking about getting a couple shooters and a six pack of beer to numb myself on the way home. The days feel so much longer and borderline unbearable. My (now ex) girlfriend left me because I'm not the person she thought I was and I wasn't capable of reciprocating what she felt. I don't know what's wrong with me, sometimes I feel like I'm not meant for this world; and that's led me back to this site which I had bookmarked 2~3 years ago.

Recently, I've been sinking deeper and deeper. I don't eat much anymore, I've closed myself off to friends that try to contact me, have no more energy to wear the "mask", don't enjoy any of my passions and I just don't want to be around. I just don't know what to do anymore.

 

[ctb_warrior]

I just wanted to let my thoughts out but I don't really know where to start.

Over the last year I've gotten a job I actually like, been promoted a few times, gotten a girlfriend and had an overall good year. I actually told myself "this is the year of self improvement." But as usual, I find a way to fuck it up.

Over the past few months I started drinking a lot more, did drugs I never thought I'd do (some great, some bad) and found out I'm not sure how to let anyone in anymore.

And the thoughts that have been occurring to me lately are the same throughout the years;

'What's the point?' or 'I don't want to live in a world like this.' No matter how good or bad I do it's the same net result; I'll be dead in the end.

In the last month I've found myself revisiting these thoughts, being filled with anxiety and dread. It almost feels impossible to pull myself out of bed and go to work, by the time I get there I'm already thinking about getting a couple shooters and a six pack of beer to numb myself on the way home. The days feel so much longer and borderline unbearable. My (now ex) girlfriend left me because I'm not the person she thought I was and I wasn't capable of reciprocating what she felt. I don't know what's wrong with me, sometimes I feel like I'm not meant for this world; and that's led me back to this site which I had bookmarked 2~3 years ago.

Recently, I've been sinking deeper and deeper. I don't eat much anymore, I've closed myself off to friends that try to contact me, have no more energy to wear the "mask", don't enjoy any of my passions and I just don't want to be around. I just don't know what to do anymore.

3 years ago, after my breakup, I started drinking alcohol and that pushed away a lot of people who actually cared for me. I'm addicted to alcohol rn. But I realised, it has taken away my reputation, my friends, and it almost took away my job recently.
Start a healthy lifestyle if you want your life back. Eat healthy, workout, have a positive mindset(this makes you charming and attracts more ppl in your life) .

Alcohol and any other substances mess up with the mind as they pull us into altered states of consciousness and messes up with neurochemicals affecting how we process the world.

I was very focused and my friends made me drink beer in college, it disoriented me for couple of days. So, to sum up, if you want a better life, adapt a better lifestyle, eat good, sleep well, read good books..

If you have anything to vent, we are all ears here wish you heal soon

 

[Tired_birth_1967]

I feel some of the things you wrote, too. Especially the part about how "it almost feels impossible to pull myself out of bed and go to work." I think about drinking as well—and I did for a few days—but it doesn't solve anything. The feeling alcohol gives me isn't enough to take away the sadness of being alive. I don't even consider using other drugs because I know nothing would change.

 

[ctb_warrior]

I feel some of the things you wrote, too. Especially the part about how "it almost feels impossible to pull myself out of bed and go to work." I think about drinking as well—and I did for a few days—but it doesn't solve anything. The feeling alcohol gives me isn't enough to take away the sadness of being alive. I don't even consider using other drugs because I know nothing would change.

Well said. I take alcohol to escape reality for a few hours, interestingly, it messes up my head and the next day i feel depressed and groggy.. so alcohol and drugs are of no use

 

[mdd]

3 years ago, after my breakup, I started drinking alcohol and that pushed away a lot of people who actually cared for me. I'm addicted to alcohol rn. But I realised, it has taken away my reputation, my friends, and it almost took away my job recently.
Start a healthy lifestyle if you want your life back. Eat healthy, workout, have a positive mindset(this makes you charming and attracts more ppl in your life) .

Alcohol and any other substances mess up with the mind as they pull us into altered states of consciousness and messes up with neurochemicals affecting how we process the world.

I was very focused and my friends made me drink beer in college, it disoriented me for couple of days. So, to sum up, if you want a better life, adapt a better lifestyle, eat good, sleep well, read good books..

If you have anything to vent, we are all ears here wish you heal soon

Oddly enough I just want to throw it away rather than get it back, once I'm out of this mindset it's only a matter of time till I get this over encumbering dread again.

I don't know if boredom with life leads me to self destructive tendencies or maybe I feel I'm not allowed to be happy/have good things going for me, all I know is at the end of the day good things never seem to last and all roads lead to me wanting to end it all.

Regardless, I appreciate the kind words and sentiment. I hope the same for you as well.

I feel some of the things you wrote, too. Especially the part about how "it almost feels impossible to pull myself out of bed and go to work." I think about drinking as well—and I did for a few days—but it doesn't solve anything. The feeling alcohol gives me isn't enough to take away the sadness of being alive. I don't even consider using other drugs because I know nothing would change.

Nothing changes but nothing else seems to take the weight off my shoulders like alcohol does. All I want to do is forget.

 

[ctb_warrior]

Oddly enough I just want to throw it away rather than get it back, once I'm out of this mindset it's only a matter of time till I get this over encumbering dread again.

I don't know if boredom with life leads me to self destructive tendencies or maybe I feel I'm not allowed to be happy/have good things going for me, all I know is at the end of the day good things never seem to last and all roads lead to me wanting to end it all.

Regardless, I appreciate the kind words and sentiment. I hope the same for you as well.

Nothing changes but nothing else seems to take the weight off my shoulders like alcohol does. All I want to do is forget.

Relatable. I feel exactly the same. I counsel and bring people out of suicidal thoughts but I myself feel like to end it all.
Every time i tried, i did climb higher, but the higher i climbed every time the harder I fell on ground and higher the pain, that stacked up. I'm so done with life right now

Oddly enough I just want to throw it away rather than get it back, once I'm out of this mindset it's only a matter of time till I get this over encumbering dread again.

I don't know if boredom with life leads me to self destructive tendencies or maybe I feel I'm not allowed to be happy/have good things going for me, all I know is at the end of the day good things never seem to last and all roads lead to me wanting to end it all.

Regardless, I appreciate the kind words and sentiment. I hope the same for you as well.

Nothing changes but nothing else seems to take the weight off my shoulders like alcohol does. All I want to do is forget.

Regarding alcohol also, even though i know it's just a temporary respite, i am not able to control. Btw, i was recommended ketamine therapy by one of the psychiatrist, may be ket can help you feel better? Just thinking

 

[mdd]

Relatable. I feel exactly the same. I counsel and bring people out of suicidal thoughts but I myself feel like to end it all.
Every time i tried, i did climb higher, but the higher i climbed every time the harder I fell on ground and higher the pain, that stacked up. I'm so done with life right now

Regarding alcohol also, even though i know it's just a temporary respite, i am not able to control. Btw, i was recommended ketamine therapy by one of the psychiatrist, may be ket can help you feel better? Just thinking

Isn't it interesting how we can see the light for other people but not ourselves, even when we would need it most?

I can resonate with your feeling of climbing higher and falling harder, makes me feel like that much more of a disappointment.

As far as any treatment goes, I refuse it. I feel like it's just a band-aid on a problem that's up to me, on my own, to figure out. Or maybe something in me I need to come to terms with or something.

 

[ctb_warrior]

Isn't it interesting how we can see the light for other people but not ourselves, even when we would need it most?

I can resonate with your feeling of climbing higher and falling harder, makes me feel like that much more of a disappointment.

As far as any treatment goes, I refuse it. I feel like it's just a band-aid on a problem that's up to me, on my own, to figure out. Or maybe something in me I need to come to terms with or something.

Very true. Since my second last episode I was fine from 2020-2022 mid. I got into a relationship and that relationship literally made me feel on cloud 9 first and later, the girl cheated and to appear clean, she assassinated my character. It took me two months to prove myself clean. The girl could have simply said, let's part ways, she didn't need to play mind games so that ppl don't call her a cheater.

That episode broke me completely. After i proved myself clean, the girl acted that she's with me while she was not. I knew this girl for like 4 years, and used to keep distance from her, but when in 2023 she herself started giving Efforts, i kinda slipped, as all i need in life was a purpose. I made her my purpose.

6 months were so good, it felt like a fairytale but i wish had known what was going to come.


As you and me both suffer mdd, what I'll suggest is, if you want to give life a chance, consult a good psychiatrist, they can really help. I'm being administered lithium which actually suppresses suicidal thoughts

 

[mdd]

Very true. Since my second last episode I was fine from 2020-2022 mid. I got into a relationship and that relationship literally made me feel on cloud 9 first and later, the girl cheated and to appear clean, she assassinated my character. It took me two months to prove myself clean. The girl could have simply said, let's part ways, she didn't need to play mind games so that ppl don't call her a cheater.

That episode broke me completely. After i proved myself clean, the girl acted that she's with me while she was not. I knew this girl for like 4 years, and used to keep distance from her, but when in 2023 she herself started giving Efforts, i kinda slipped, as all i need in life was a purpose. I made her my purpose.

6 months were so good, it felt like a fairytale but i wish had known what was going to come.


As you and me both suffer mdd, what I'll suggest is, if you want to give life a chance, consult a good psychiatrist, they can really help. I'm being administered lithium which actually suppresses suicidal thoughts

I'm sorry that happened to you and I hope you've been able to find your peace with that situation. I've fallen in (somewhat) the same problem before and if I've learned anything in my time of going through that with multiple women for multiple years, it's that you can not depend on anyone else for a purpose to live. That's something we need in ourselves to keep going.

I'm on the fence as far as giving life another chance goes; on one hand I haven't completely given up, on another, I'm the closest I've ever been to calling it curtains. It just feels like a big step to get help that, for some reason, I'm very unsure of taking.

 

[ctb_warrior]

I'm sorry that happened to you and I hope you've been able to find your peace with that situation. I've fallen in (somewhat) the same problem before and if I've learned anything in my time of going through that with multiple women for multiple years, it's that you can not depend on anyone else for a purpose to live. That's something we need in ourselves to keep going.

I'm on the fence as far as giving life another chance goes; on one hand I haven't completely given up, on another, I'm the closest I've ever been to calling it curtains. It just feels like a big step to get help that, for some reason, I'm very unsure of taking.

That's very true . We can't make anyone else our purpose..

It's good that you are still on the fence, i wish you are able to heal and you are able to give chance to life to get better. You can use tools like hypnosis and affirmations to aid your life.

I know all these but i just don't have the energy to use them again to build it all again