When I was young I went through an awful time with my OCD in school and it ended up bleeding basically into real life, which was very scarring to me. What had happened was I developed a form of ocd called staring ocd that made me hyperfixate on if I was looking at people's privates and then eventually it started to make my eyes go towards that area. I don't know how it did but I never did it out of sexual interest or anything. It fucking haunts me to this day because I feel awful about it and I feel like I have ruined my life because I never spoke up about it. I cannot go back and tell everyone who I ever looked at that I had the disorder so now they could think I am a rapist, pervert, or worse. I never looked at privates sexually but one time I did look at one intentionally because I didn't even know I had the OCD really then, I was just confused as to why everyone looked at me weird and so I connected things together and was like ''Is my head tilted too low? Do they think I am looking at the butt or something?'' and so i looked to check, kind of stupidly and with poor decision. I feel like I have to endlessly justify it all the time, i can never forgive myself or escape it. I don't have motivation to go on in life because I don't trust people at all anymore. I hold them at arm's length now because I know, in a second, my favorite teacher, my childhood idols, people i've never met, my family, anyone would hate me. I have never had strong relationships with people and it is not like I have done pedophile stuff but it is just like I have created a giant misconception basically. To make it worse and seem more controversial, when I was going through the incident that caused my life to just become consumed with OCD and how i could never change anything, I developed a porn addiction because everything just felt like it was coming down on me and I wanted to feel safe. I don't know why I did this, and it seems super shady when you think about how everyone hated me for staring at privates. But they were mainly separated for me, but I just feel honestly unbelievable, hateable, and just like I should leave society forever and kill myself like everyone wants. My life does not really have the good circumstances that other people do to get out of this situation, and I am very mentally ill. Even when I die, many people will have been expecting it, and some people could say I was a huge pervert and everyone would hate me. Any of the childhood friends I had would distrust me and abandon me probably, my teacher would hate me, all good memories would be crushed, and to be honest I can feel it now. When I watch videos of my favorite youtubers and childhood idols, I always remind myself that I should never get too excited and think about meeting them because chances are they will hate me like everyone else. I think my attachment style or whatever is already fucked and I should just stop. I should have gotten a therapist when this all started but yeah. I literally have such bad anxiety now that I feel the need to get off the planet at times or think of crazy shit like getting hypnosis so i will have amnesia over my self. Because of all of this and how intense and kind of mental it is I feel like suicide is the best answer for me considering how much I have fucked things up.
But i have never really been able to meet people with similar problems or anxiety like this because it seems so specifically fucked up and like I ran over a train track and hit 900 cars to me.
But i have never really been able to meet people with similar problems or anxiety like this because it seems so specifically fucked up and like I ran over a train track and hit 900 cars to me.
