d0lic3
Member
- Feb 20, 2023
- 9
English isn't my first language so bear with me.. I've had a bad case of obsessive thoughts for years, specially after my dad left to remarry someone else (he didn't even divorced my mom, he left us without saying anything lol) and I only told my mom about what he did to me many years later since she's much stable now(also that I'm legally an adult too so she would probably pay more attention to my words) She didn't expect to hear all these so her attitude towards me wasn't comforting but nonetheless convinced her to take me to a psychiatrist.
I always did suspect I have OCD, also to note that I'm from a thrid world country (Bangladesh) and mental health is like a hoax for the people and they are convinced that it's a made up condition. Anyways I didn't tell the doctor either that I think I might have OCD, he himself saw the symptoms matching up and was confident that it's be OCD. Well I was expecting to hear it was just anxiety/depression since even thinking the idea of being diagnosed with OCD kind of freaks me out sorry and still now I don't like the fact I was diagnosed with OCD even though I could tell I might have OCD.
Now, my childhood was spent with my dad, not my dad by blood though he was my step-dad since my biological dad left my mom after I was born. I was supposed to be aborted but it was late and was risky, my biological dad raped my mom and that's how I was born so she used to loathe me a lot during my childhood except my dad(I will be calling my step-dad as dad) so all the time I used to be with dad, even when sleeping I used to sleep with my dad as my mom oftenly used to lay on the floor by herself because Bangladesh is a pretty warm country and she felt the bed was too warm except winter times.
He convinced me completely how it's okay, how his behaviour towards me are out of love. Even going to its details feels pretty difficult to say so. I used to think he's right about what he's doing, how he's sexually touching me or kissing me, how he used to show me porn on the screen and say if I want to do them too and I used to willingly tell him that I want to do it. I was a child, he even gave me fake sense of control(?) too somehow as a kid because sometimes it used to be me initiating them too. I feel very disgusted of it but yeah.
People who lack much knowledge probably thinks that kids that are being sexually abused or a victim of incest and wasn't able to get out because they used to hear threats. That from threats and from being scared they did these to please the adult. But for me and I believe many others might've experienced it in a similar way. It disgusts me so much, I'm really sucidal too, I'm probably alive because of my girlfriend who is the sweetest girl. But yea, this keeps me awake a lot of time and how could me as a kid be so willingful to engage into sexual acts and how addicted I got to it feels crazy to me... Thankfully he's not in my life anymore and he wouldn't harm me... My OCD makes me keep thinking of it. It even makes me think if I'm a pedophile? Like, my dad was one for sure, would it make me too? There's many thoughts and I can't sleep at night till it's morning because I feel convinced that if I sleep at night I might get groped because I do feel groping sensations that wakes me up. Lots of these signs of OCD I have regrettably ties back down to what my dad did and it disgusts me about my ownself..
I always did suspect I have OCD, also to note that I'm from a thrid world country (Bangladesh) and mental health is like a hoax for the people and they are convinced that it's a made up condition. Anyways I didn't tell the doctor either that I think I might have OCD, he himself saw the symptoms matching up and was confident that it's be OCD. Well I was expecting to hear it was just anxiety/depression since even thinking the idea of being diagnosed with OCD kind of freaks me out sorry and still now I don't like the fact I was diagnosed with OCD even though I could tell I might have OCD.
Now, my childhood was spent with my dad, not my dad by blood though he was my step-dad since my biological dad left my mom after I was born. I was supposed to be aborted but it was late and was risky, my biological dad raped my mom and that's how I was born so she used to loathe me a lot during my childhood except my dad(I will be calling my step-dad as dad) so all the time I used to be with dad, even when sleeping I used to sleep with my dad as my mom oftenly used to lay on the floor by herself because Bangladesh is a pretty warm country and she felt the bed was too warm except winter times.
He convinced me completely how it's okay, how his behaviour towards me are out of love. Even going to its details feels pretty difficult to say so. I used to think he's right about what he's doing, how he's sexually touching me or kissing me, how he used to show me porn on the screen and say if I want to do them too and I used to willingly tell him that I want to do it. I was a child, he even gave me fake sense of control(?) too somehow as a kid because sometimes it used to be me initiating them too. I feel very disgusted of it but yeah.
People who lack much knowledge probably thinks that kids that are being sexually abused or a victim of incest and wasn't able to get out because they used to hear threats. That from threats and from being scared they did these to please the adult. But for me and I believe many others might've experienced it in a similar way. It disgusts me so much, I'm really sucidal too, I'm probably alive because of my girlfriend who is the sweetest girl. But yea, this keeps me awake a lot of time and how could me as a kid be so willingful to engage into sexual acts and how addicted I got to it feels crazy to me... Thankfully he's not in my life anymore and he wouldn't harm me... My OCD makes me keep thinking of it. It even makes me think if I'm a pedophile? Like, my dad was one for sure, would it make me too? There's many thoughts and I can't sleep at night till it's morning because I feel convinced that if I sleep at night I might get groped because I do feel groping sensations that wakes me up. Lots of these signs of OCD I have regrettably ties back down to what my dad did and it disgusts me about my ownself..
