Does anyone else “miss” S/Hing, despite being clean?

[IfGodHadLegs]

This is my first post here so apologies for anything unclear; hopefully nothing is.

I've been clean from self-harm for four years and some change. I'm incredibly happy to have reached that point, for years I couldn't reach past a week or two so I feel incredibly grateful and privileged to be free from that addiction. Despite those years being behind me in recovery, often I feel that same urge coming back to me whenever I feel awful, like it's trying to make me fall down that same pit I crawled out of years ago. The honest truth is that self-harming often did make me feel better, but it's such a nasty habit that completely fucks up your mental in the process. I hate how no one is allowed to admit that publicly, despite that being the reason so many people become reliant on it. I know that if I'm truly feeling awful there's a solution that'll make me feel better for a moment, but if I go back I fear I'll never get this far again. Despite me being emotionally stable, I am by definition mentally-ill for life so perhaps that's the reason why. Hopefully someone here can understand where I'm coming from/can share their experiences, if they feel similarly.


Peace :]

 

[deadanddecomposing]

I feel the same way. Even when clean, it's tempting. It sucks, but it works better than any breathing exercise or journaling. At least in the moment.

 

[IfGodHadLegs]

I feel the same way. Even when clean, it's tempting. It sucks, but it works better than any breathing exercise or journaling. At least in the moment.

Very true. It really did help the most, unfortunately. I guess it's similar to how ex-smokers still crave a cigarette once in a while, it's hard to get rid of those cravings once you've been down that path. That "in the moment" bit is integral though, I try to remember it's just not worth the mess it brings long term. I hope your recovery has been well :)

 

[Ganymede]

For me personally SH was a form of self punishment I did. It's hard for me to forgive myself. As the saying goes, guilt is an ocean for people to drown in.

I've though over it after I became clean. Whenever we do something that we deem as bad, our morality believes that we need to be punished for it. That's how humanity has made laws since prehistoric age. But what helped me is that I understood that everyone makes mistakes and that I shouldn't be so harsh on myself over every single little thing, because I'm not perfect. So as to your question - no, I don't want to self harm anymore. It is easier than owning up to my own faults, but it doesn't get me anywhere, it doesn't fix the core of the problem.

 

[Kenny]

I stopped SH about a month ago and I thought my life was really improving for the last few days, and then reality threw another brick at my face and I feel as if I'm going to end up back where I was. That and I just shaved my arms yesterday because idk I shaved all over anyway it was really weird uncovering my skin in that area because turns out, it's all kinda discoloured.

I haven't been officially diagnosed yet but I am pretty sure that I also am mentally ill for life. I've looked at symptoms of all sorts of stuff and I am pretty certain that I have BPD, ADHD, and possibly OCD. Not 100% sure if I have it because I have not been diagnosed but I'm pretty certain. If I do actually have it then that means I am going to have these thoughts for life probably, and I've had them since I was really young anyway so yeah.

I hope you keep getting better as well, I wish you the best :D

 

[doener11]

I'm so glad you've been off SH for four years now, and your experience is normal. SH is like any other addiction, it's short-term pleasure but long-term hurt, meaning you do feel as though you 'miss' it, you miss that short-term relief, and are blocked from that because you know the consequences. I've come to understand that the short-term relief isn't good, because I know the consequences are so severe; you have almost certainly got there too. Even if you try it again, you will understand why you don't actually miss SH, you only miss that quick relief.

 

[IfGodHadLegs]

For me personally SH was a form of self punishment I did. It's hard for me to forgive myself. As the saying goes, guilt is an ocean for people to drown in.

I've though over it after I became clean. Whenever we do something that we deem as bad, our morality believes that we need to be punished for it. That's how humanity has made laws since prehistoric age. But what helped me is that I understood that everyone makes mistakes and that I shouldn't be so harsh on myself over every single little thing, because I'm not perfect. So as to your question - no, I don't want to self harm anymore. It is easier than owning up to my own faults, but it doesn't get me anywhere, it doesn't fix the core of the problem.

This is very beautifully written, thank you taking the time to reply. I can definitely relate to the punishment aspect of sh. As I've grown older it's been easier to forgive myself for my mistakes; still I should have a more consistent reminder to myself that life moves on even if I mess up. I'll make sure to keep this in mind :)