dragonofenvy
Elementalist
- Oct 8, 2023
- 807
I just feel awful. I feel even more alone despite being around others with mental health issues. I hate art and trying to do it makes me feel terrible. The other patients seem to have something in their life. A friend, kids, a lover, an OK job, but I've got nothing at all. Don't get me started on the Chaplin. When I heard the other patients hoping that she wouldn't lead the session and that I would see why they didn't like her I thought it was just them being negative. Holy fuck who would've guessed a Chaplin of all people would make me want to kill myself. She really should not be leading the spirituality sessions but I guess there's nobody else who can huh?
The other patients seem to easily be able to visit and socialize with each other and I'm just blank. I don't know how to function in society. I don't even know how to function in a fucking mental hospital. I've been so sheltered and isolated for my whole life that I feel alien. All they're gonna do is teach me how to cope. Seriously? How is life worth living if all you can do is COPE? There's nothing in my life and I just have to COPE?
What am I even supposed to do? What happens after PHP? How am I supposed to learn how to live a fulfilling life? If I knew I'd go out and do it. Some people are destined to lead shit lives and I'm one of those people and all I want is an out but noooooooo. Why spend the resources on a wretch like me? I fucking hate my life! That's it! Let it fucking end!
I seriously just don't know what to do. I don't know how I can keep doing this. I guess I'm just so used to it and so desensitized to the pain that I just keep going. Maybe it's to be able to say "hey look I am trying!" when I'm not. I know nobody can wave a magic wand and make me happy but I wish it were true because I've had depression for 20 years! Since I was fucking FIVE YEARS OLD! Why do I have to put so much into this? Why do others have to put in so much less for so much more? How is it that people don't even think about the things I dream about?
It's unfair, and life isn't unfair, blah blah blah all the same bullshit you've heard before. Too bad I spend so much time bitching instead of doing something. Except I have tried making improvements before and it maybe moves the needle a tenth of a degree. I'm just so fucking done dude. I have nothing to lose, and I have nothing to build anything with.
The other patients seem to easily be able to visit and socialize with each other and I'm just blank. I don't know how to function in society. I don't even know how to function in a fucking mental hospital. I've been so sheltered and isolated for my whole life that I feel alien. All they're gonna do is teach me how to cope. Seriously? How is life worth living if all you can do is COPE? There's nothing in my life and I just have to COPE?
What am I even supposed to do? What happens after PHP? How am I supposed to learn how to live a fulfilling life? If I knew I'd go out and do it. Some people are destined to lead shit lives and I'm one of those people and all I want is an out but noooooooo. Why spend the resources on a wretch like me? I fucking hate my life! That's it! Let it fucking end!
I seriously just don't know what to do. I don't know how I can keep doing this. I guess I'm just so used to it and so desensitized to the pain that I just keep going. Maybe it's to be able to say "hey look I am trying!" when I'm not. I know nobody can wave a magic wand and make me happy but I wish it were true because I've had depression for 20 years! Since I was fucking FIVE YEARS OLD! Why do I have to put so much into this? Why do others have to put in so much less for so much more? How is it that people don't even think about the things I dream about?
It's unfair, and life isn't unfair, blah blah blah all the same bullshit you've heard before. Too bad I spend so much time bitching instead of doing something. Except I have tried making improvements before and it maybe moves the needle a tenth of a degree. I'm just so fucking done dude. I have nothing to lose, and I have nothing to build anything with.
Last edited:
