I used to have 'friends' but I can't really be myself around them. Mostly it's just small talk, catching up, discussions about TV shows and gaming, and mindless, mundane shit that neither of us really care about. It all just felt kind of feels soulless really. I always have an irrational fear that anything personal I say will be used against me in some way, like to blackmail or manipulate me. As a result of that I usually find it very difficult to open up and talk sincerely about serious topics.
Recently a change happened which has meant I don't really see any of them anymore. When it happened, I wanted to keep in contact with all of them, so I kept on organising meetups, and group get-togethers and so on. It lasted a fair few months before I noticed / realised that it was always ME who was doing it all. Asking them when they're free, finding stuff to do, setting a date, organising transport, etc. None of them would've actually tried to keep in contact with me if I hadn't been reaching out to them and asking them everything. None of them wanted to stay in contact with me, and the only reason they ever responded was out of obligation, or perhaps pity.
Now, in real life I don't really have anyone. Previously, I'd always make friends with people who didn't have many - loners who sit on their own and don't speak to anyone, autists who are seen as too 'weird' for conventional friendships, non-conformist people who are ostracised because of how they express themselves. Unfortunately there aren't many of those where I am now so I've just ended up on my own, and it's difficult to make new friendships due to crippling social anxiety and an unwillingness to really 'trust' anyone and have an actual personality.