Do you have a support system

[always_sad]

If yes, what is it?
How do you find motivation to continue existing.

 

[steel-and-glass]

We have a support system - Our family, Our friends, Our therapist... But We often feel like We're just dragging these people down. For a long time We've survived because We didn't want to hurt them, but it's getting harder and harder to do.

Glass

 

[Pluto]

 

[mikgazer6]

Only immediate family that I'm emotionally distant from but they help with physical things. Tried with two therapists then stopped trying. Can't relate to friends anymore. I see any new type of relationship with anyone beyond online acquaintance to be more trouble than it's worth.

My motivation to continue existing comes from created purpose which for me is a few goals with different priority. Mikgazer vol.1 CD is a must, reducing suffering is an effort, and creating something is a bonus task. Throughout I enjoy my interests of consuming music, film, literature, and learning. These interests are infinite, satisfy me emotionally and socially, and (typically) have some degree of artistic and intellectual value to them which helps make them not feel like a waste of time.

 

[Lola18]

My sibling but they're moving away to a different country in a few months then I'll have no one left in my life which has made me become very suicidal, them leaving me.

 

[𝑹𝒂𝒘 𝑷𝒓𝒆𝒎𝒂𝒅𝒆 𝑷𝒊𝒛𝒛𝒂]

No :c

My own mind... Sometimes.

 

[brittlemoth]

Not anymore. Unfortunately pretty much every support I had was closer to being described as 'good enough if I really fucking needed it' rather than 'genuinely supportive'. And over time, they pretty much all stopped being 'good enough' or I lost my confidence in reaching out to them.

Some were "supports" that lasted about as long as I was sharing an ideology or spiritual path with them. Some were "supports" that I couldn't rely on most of the time either for emotional or practical reasons. Some "supports" were the opposite of supportive. And some supports, as kind as they are and as much as they try, I will never feel connected to them in the moments I need them the most. Not to mention every "support" I've had in my support network who would throw me in involuntary if if my thoughts get to extreme.

It's been hard. The more extreme the thoughts get, the more people seem to show their true faces. It sucks. A lot of time they're not even cruel people, but either I can't handle their shit when I'm in it this deep or they obviously can't handle how deep I've gone. It's isolating as fuck. Being constantly suicidal is a very lonely experience. That's probably one of the reasons I still cling to this forum.

 

[areyousafe??]

I pay for support. Family and friends might want to support, but they don't know how to.

 

[whiskeyblanket]

My spouse is literally the only person in my personal life. He has known me long enough (17 years) to know that I want to CTB and that I self-destruct on a daily basis. I don't know what "support" would look like. Should he force me to go to therapy (it didn't work 17 years ago)? Call 911 every time I say I want to die (thank God he doesn't)? Listen to and hold empathy for my misery, every day of our lives? Should he support me by buying SN and mixing it up for me? I don't think any of this would be fair to ask of anyone. Therefore, I don't know what a support system would look like, honestly. Maybe that says more about my own deficits, but can't really imagine having a realistic, effective support system.

 

[Hvergelmir]

it didn't work 17 years ago

17 years is a long time. I don't think the results from back then should influence your decisions of today.

 

[whiskeyblanket]

17 years is a long time. I don't think the results from back then should influence your decisions of today.

Fair reasoning. It's just that a lot has happened since then, and everything is obviously more complicated now. I also live in an extremely isolated rural area now and would only be able to access therapy/medication online at this point (of which I'm a bit wary). Main point: It's hard for someone who has been effed up for a long time to reasonably find support from anyone, especially those who can't relate. Sorry if I seem too defeatist or nihilistic in saying that, but it's just where I'm at, personally.

 

[Ann M.]

No, no family left that cares if I'm dead or alive, no one even checks on me to see if I'm ok.

No friends except some online people.

My dog died too.

I want so bad to love and be loved.

 

[Lookingtoflyfree]

I have nothing, really. The three friends that I've stayed in touch with over the years stopped responding to me; the one person in town stopped. Some occasional online people but nobody.

I have a family member I stay in loose contact with but nobody else.

I have never been this alone and quite literally only family would notice if I died.

 

[WhenIBreathe]

No. I'm alone. Years of depression and avoiding situations made it impossible to hold onto friends.

 

[Rymrgand]

Nope. I never had friends or (good) family. And after so many years of an unhealthy life, it's basically impossible to make one now.

 

[Quietist]

Not really.

I have two older siblings that I talk to on the phone, but never see.

They "care" about my plight but ultimately cannot really "save" me.

I live with my elderly father who was my childhood/early adulthood abuser/enabler and he doesn't give a fuck about my suffering at all.

No friends. No intimate partner.

 

[Forever Sleep]

Yes and no. In a real scrape, are there people I could reach out to who would likely do their best to help? Yes, one or two. Friends and family.

Are they there on a regular basis? No. Hundreds of miles separates us. Are they able to support me on an emotional, physical, financial basis- No. So, I'm maybe less alone than some but, more alone than others.

 

[J&L383]

My sibling but they're moving away to a different country in a few months then I'll have no one left in my life which has made me become very suicidal, them leaving me.

Just a few siblings but really sort of close to only one, but not geographically.