Venting Cowboypants random thoughts and venting thread

[cowboypants]

Went out after a week been a long time since I went out in the morning..many guys around my age are now really in relationships or married...feel sad how alone I am...anyways I don't have a ball in this game

__________________________

I hate the rat race I never wanted to be part of it. I am a perfectionist but I never liked competing with other people. It's like a man eat man world with little accommodation for other people

__________________________

Not sure how to make replies seperate instead of one massive comment. If anyone knows please tell me

 

[sserafim]

I hate the rat race too and never wanted to be part of it either. It *is* a man eat man world. Life is just one big competition

 

[cowboypants]

Really bored af. I wanted to ctb next week I feel like I want to do and not do

I hate the isolation but people my peers I never felt included. Atleast I don't feel bad about that when I'm in my room. But yeah I hate being alone

I don't have the solution to my suffering. But it's sorta peaceful that I have the ability to end it.

I for sure would miss not having lived a good life but all my life I have been very miserable. It makes sense to have ended it 5-7 years back. But what am I still depressed doesn't matter.
Gggggfc

 

[Onelegman]

We all hate the rat race, it's a nonsense where everyone loses. It is also difficult for me to fit in places, a lot of effort, however there are 1 or 2 environments where I have gotten a little fresh air, but my mind keeps thinking at some moments that it wants to leave there to the solitude of my room. The pain of being alone is not constant, I suppose because I have conversations with my parents and people on the forum and some online friends from another country.

I have 2 weeks of suffering left and then I will escape, there better not be an entity that will make me reincarnate in this world. If he lets me choose where to reincarnate, let it be in an isekai anime or something like that hahaha

 

[cowboypants]

there better not be an entity that will make me reincarnate in this world

Lol true, I hope the suffering is just temporary.

Unless I compare myself with others, I don't feel bad, but I have fallen below my peers now in terms of career, relationships. It was grades before. I guess that's my character arc

 

[Onelegman]

You can have a lower degree than your classmates and still be a better person or stand out in other aspects, you cook well, you are better at tidying up the house or taking care of animals... you are the one who chooses to give importance to those things. I remember a meme of 2 people, one using the computer and the other watching. The one watching is the boss, who earns three times as much, the one using the computer is his employee, who earns just enough but knows how to create a PDF file from Word.

We are experts in mentally boycotting ourselves, but we also have to learn to see other aspects, not just money or rank.

 

[cowboypants]

You can have a lower degree than your classmates and still be a better person or stand out in other aspects, you cook well, you are better at tidying up the house or taking care of animals... you are the one who chooses to give importance to those things. I remember a meme of 2 people, one using the computer and the other watching. The one watching is the boss, who earns three times as much, the one using the computer is his employee, who earns just enough but knows how to create a PDF file from Word.

We are experts in mentally boycotting ourselves, but we also have to learn to see other aspects, not just money or rank.

I agree but society has this expectation on you, my Indian society is notorious for it. I prolly had ingrained some of it still

I don't know what I want even in my life. I had only one goal when I was young and going through stuff at home and school "to survive" and that was my only thing and thought it might get better with time.

 

[Onelegman]

You still have time. India must be very tough...

 

[cowboypants]

Wanted to eat outside but my eating schedule is on a weird timeline and I'm not hungry rn. But the restaurants will close for the night. Not like i can't make anything. I had planned to buy something tonight. Anyway I had pizza, cake and another pf my favorite dish. Feel it would be too much for one day. I hope I can catch sleep early like yesterday but don't feel any sleep at all hopefully hunger doesn't come

__________________________

Sometimes I think how my life would be if I had been successful but ain't no nobody coming to save my ass as my then therapist said. And idk what to make out of it

 

[cowboypants]

I'm really hungry and sleepy ugh

 

[Sylveon]

I agree but society has this expectation on you, my Indian society is notorious for it. I prolly had ingrained some of it still

I don't know what I want even in my life. I had only one goal when I was young and going through stuff at home and school "to survive" and that was my only thing and thought it might get better with time.

Feel ya, I'm "just" 19, and living here has already completely broken me; I absolutely cannot imagine going through 50 more years of this.

Hope things get a bit easier while we're here still. :')

 

[cowboypants]

Universe feels weird like even our galaxy has outer layers like the area where suns gravity grows weaker.. Everything feels very symmetrical or as the base mechanics seem to repeat

 

[cowboypants]

I wonder what's the deal with me developing anxiety...it has really ruined my life why did I have it when I was so young

 

[cowboypants]

I hate the BPD like triggers man. I feel really insignificant

I think just going outside the home gives me motivation to put an end to my miserable existence. I will go ahead with my plan and god I don't have to deal with this over and over like death by a thousand cuts

__________________________

five more days for my planned date. I feel like i want to go away tomorrow itself. I feel no point in going on and on. I hate this place(not here) I cant even look at my neighbours without anxiety running through my body. When they ignore I lose my shit. wtf T_T

 

[cowboypants]

Had a dream today "i had taken the SN". But I didn't die even after an hour. My fingers are turning blue and i feel like passing out. I call parents and go to a doc. I tell the doc what I did by writing on a paper. I feel scared man.

__________________________

Too scared to live too scared to die is the predicament I'm in

__________________________

I think anykind of social interaction is setting of my triggers which is lotta pain to deal with it suxxx

 

[cowboypants]

Went out to some restaurant. And the guy was on the phone not even acknowledging me. Like wow. I just walked after asking twice.

And then I come home and these two kids hold up the lift for their mothers for like a minute. They don't apologise. Man i am so done with this shit.

 

[cowboypants]

It kinda hurts when people say you can't be helped if you can't help yourself but when one repeatedly faces trying things without any support or motivation. Ones spirit is broken over time and it becomes too late or hard to come out of it

 

[cowboypants]

I wish I had ended my life sooner. I never could survive socially amongst my peers. My physical safety was often threatened sometimes for no mistake of mine. Other times i would miss social cues probably deserving.

It feels rather good as a neet I haven't had much situation like that atleast I can walk away easily. But at the same time I'm not really living my life inside this tiny room of mine


__________________________

I feel I was doomed from the start. Like the bird that has to spend it's life in a cage

 

[cowboypants]

Had a bad depressive episode for nearly a week. I had mild fever, lost appetite and just slept most of the time but kept waking up for peeing or drinking water. Really super tired.

Fever didn't go away after 4 days so that's when i decided to see a psychiatrist and got back on meds again. Fever got fixed immediately.

Now I wonder how the meds will have an effect on my plans but it's for the better i think. I would rather not deal with the debilatating anxiety
__________________________

Dad has started his criticisms on me again and trying to micromanage everything. Which I'm getting super pissed about. Just because they did the bare minimum to look after me. He thinks entitled of it

 

[cowboypants]

Kinda irony...how my dad compared us with other kids and how we aren't good at academics like them and his typical toxic mindset but doesn't acknowledge the damage he's doing and thinks he been lenient on us.

I could have done way better and something different and successful in life, had i only been encouraged and motivated. I missed hitting my potential and I'm scrambling to just keep myself in one piece.

 

[cowboypants]

Dad told he wanted to say something about mom. He proceeded to tell in a exaggerated way about how much salt she puts in rice. From the get go i was sus because mom doesn't use lotta spice or salt. And how it's making my sibling have issues.

And he told me how she never made breakfast for me. And for dinner it was always just jam for me. I remember going to school hungry already i remembered and being angry about it. Sometimes I used to get breakfast outside. I also preferred to eat lunch in school canteen.

And prolly the reason I grew up eating a lot of outside food but I think it's not necessarily a bad thing. I like tasty food. I know to cook these days anyway.

Idk what dad wanted to mean it feels like he wanted tell another secret. He said he will tell later. But I can understand not giving your child proper nutrition. Mom is making sidedishes for dinner for these days but often only for me or sibiling.

But the point being is that don't have kids prolly if you are already depressed and not so functional. But dad is controlling to the point that he doesn't allow mom to be friends with other aunties even. Idk what to even say i have to be balanced and can't even vent out to any of them.

I used to pissed off at mom when I was young cause of these things and dad would beat me up so I don't understand the holy messiah now dad's trying to be. This is all the cycles of a narcissist and I'm the pawn??? Ah let me out already god

 

[cowboypants]

Aunt told me how I have become like one my of my dad brothers now. He used to not work and prolly treated his dad badly. I don't know how they equate me to him.

I told her how my dad insulted me when i failed 7th grade and told me how I would become like uncle useless. And i don't engage verbal attacks like dad does. And she didn't reply a thing for that. Ig people don't want to see the other side of the story. I'm not sure why she is trying to help me get a job. Probably me not going to work is damaging my dad's/ family reputation.

I think her intention was good but I'm really hurt. But nevermind I have solution I won't be stuck forever
__________________________

I feel relatives think I'm the problem to my parents and they are kinda right Im.a burden as a NEET...I'm not 100% right but im kinda pissed but let it it be ig...if anything if ppl hate me they won't feel sad for me

__________________________

And something I notice how my dad acts like so pitiful talking to relatives if it's about me. I'm all the wrong doer and doesn't respect them.

They looked after me with so much care i have ended up on a susu forum. It's frustrating honestly to not be understood but most people can't see past their own bias. So that is it. And thats prolly okay we all relate life with our own experiences.

 

[cowboypants]

Dad is attacking me now despite me helping them stop a manic episode for mom. It would have gotten worse. And somehow I get to be all the reason for it.

He asked me to drop sis everyday for her work so he can be with mom, I said no...i hate the traffic here and myself don't go out much and it's been like a year since i drove car and he started his rant on what will I do for them then.

I snapped back that everything is cuz of his controlling behaviour. Sis wouldn't have to depend on him for going out and mom would have social life had he just let mom make friends with neighbours.

He denied it and said he never controlled me then goes on to say why I wear socks inside home and asks me to cut my hair ironically within seconds of that literally.

Everything he does is right and everything I do is wrong ig

 

[cowboypants]

A part of me doesn't want to die. But I am at a dead in life, ironically.

I am under pressure to work and look after my family. I can't even look after myself.

But I don't have another choice, it's too complicated. Only thing is, not having money on hand would make the process much easier. Not sure why, I don't know why I still feel not mentally ready yet.

If I get too much pressure next month, I won't bother much to nuke myself out