Considering depression

[IQLESS]

Hi,
I've previously excluded the idea of me having depression despite being suicidal for a long time, but recently I've felt more and more depressed.
I can no longer cry, sometimes you just wanna put on some sad music and cry all your frustrations out, but I can't, I'll just lay there looking stupid, when I get close I immediatly think of how ugly I'll look, I just can't. It's incredibly frustrating. I just feel so empty and shit constantly.
Previously even with suicidal thoughts I didn't consider the idea that I have depression because suicide always seemed more positive than negative, It's like: shitty day at school? doesn't matter because I'll be dead soon enough. The idea of suicide brought me comfort, knowing I won't be able to experience this utter bullshit that life is.
One reason for me excluding it was also having a decent life, that's not completely true since what led me to here were family issues, anxiety, etc. But recently life has gotten 'better'. My sleep schedule is nearly perfect, I now live in a stable family, I do okay-ish in school, I have a hobby that I like, I am financially in an okay spot, I no longer deal with crippling anxiety for whatever reason, despite all these things I should be grateful for I constantly feel like dogshit, I am still suicidal and feel depressed and I feel like no matter how 'good' things get I will never be able to feel happy.
Complete pessimism towards life, another reason for this. Everything feels so goddamn colourless, I can't appriciate the 'beauties' in life, I know things will get 'better' eventually, but it will all go to shit again anyway, why live this nauseating rollercoaster of ups and downs. I will live to do a job I hate, I have no passion for anything in life anyway, I hate everything.
I know I'd have to get clinically diagnosed to label myself with depression, but I have no interest in therapy having previously taken sessions.
What do you think? I feel like people go through way worse on the daily than I have ever went through and I am just being angsty and edgy. I definitely don't want to be one of the people who fake mental illnesses.

 

[Arrow]

I think that if you've got stable grades/family/finances, and you still feel like shit, and have no passions, and want to die, then you almost definitely have depression. Doesn't sound like you're faking it at all.
I can relate to you though because idgaf about therapy either. I've actually tried it and it felt like a big meme and a WASTE of time/money. I also have suicidal thoughts but don't think I'm depressed as well--it's complicated.

 

[FuneralCry]

Well, I think being depressed can be a perfectly rational response to someone coming to the conclusion that their life is not worth living. It makes sense to me, being depressed and wanting ctb in a life as horrible as this. The thought of suicide is also very comforting to me, as it is the one way to end all the pain and be at peace.