Venting Completely Failing

[princeseadove]

I don't have any friends. Not ones I can really talk to or confide to. I feel obsessive with this sorta thing. It feels like I'm just fufilling my own prophecy kinda thing. I forget what's it called. I'm so out of it, I feel completely drunk. But I'm sober. I cut myself earlier to make the feeling go awsy but it didn't. Self-fulfilling prophecy is what Iys xalled. But at the same time I don't think I did. I did everything I could. Everything. Reaching out constantly, trying to do art and writing, tryong to be more social, get good grades, but it's not enough. I had a dream I was yelling at someone over a campfire. That someone screwed me over 4 years ago, but even now I can't get over it. Why would you lie? Why wouod you say such things? Why lie? Why lie? Why avoid? Why not talk? But than I woke up. I check my phone and I'm left on read by two other people haha, so. So. Now what. I tried my very hardest and believed. And believed and believed. BUF Iys noy enougg. Im constantly sixk, whether it be my stomach, throat, or head. I'm always sick, but my moms more concerned about me becoming fat than giving me the money for a check up. Such cheapskates. I can't focus on writing or studying. I just want to lay in bed. I want to die rught now, but that's not possible. I can try again tonight but I'm scared of failing. It's safer to wait until I have moved to get SN. But. I can't. And because I'm so sick people tend to not talk to me. I was already regarded as a bitch Becsuse of how I was bullied and how i retaliated. Becsuse I'm just strange and autistic. It's tiring. I don't have anyone to live for or anyone who really likes me. I'm told I'm so so loveabke and kind and sweet, but it all just feels like lies. I'm not anyone. I wish I can die. I truly wish right now that I coukd die. There's no kind of salvation for me. When I circle that tree with my axe, the only thing in the other side will be me.

 

[larplarpsahur]

its sucks when u try to fix things only for it to go back to how it was before or even worse having no one around to atleast talk about it, im sorry u have to deal with all the sickness that actually must be hell for u
praying u can find the energy to do things that make u feel better before making any decisions, anyways i hope whatever u decided brings u some peace

 

[princeseadove]

its sucks when u try to fix things only for it to go back to how it was before or even worse having no one around to atleast talk about it, im sorry u have to deal with all the sickness that actually must be hell for u
praying u can find the energy to do things that make u feel better before making any decisions, anyways i hope whatever u decided brings u some peace

Thank you so juch ;( it's a lot of pain even now.. I can't even go online as much as I used to. I'm so tired of being lonely and my feelings just be discarded so readily…

 

[hurb]

the yearning for someone to ask me not to leave to stay there with them. I pushed so many people away , and now that I think bout it , Im glad I did. I was never important to them the moment i distanced myself slightly they alrdy moved on. we were sold fairy tales , "you will find the one" Bullshit there was never a one. people that end up marrying just decide to lower theirr expectations and go with the flow. fuck man I hate this putrid existance. maybe someone exists out there but i cant wait any longer , also making new friends has never been harder. we live in the worst time

 

[princeseadove]

the yearning for someone to ask me not to leave to stay there with them. I pushed so many people away , and now that I think bout it , Im glad I did. I was never important to them the moment i distanced myself slightly they alrdy moved on. we were sold fairy tales , "you will find the one" Bullshit there was never a one. people that end up marrying just decide to lower theirr expectations and go with the flow. fuck man I hate this putrid existance. maybe someone exists out there but i cant wait any longer , also making new friends has never been harder. we live in the worst time

It makes me think, was it really the world or was it just me? It's so agonizing to think of either choice, because ko matter what there isn't anything I can really do. If I try and improve myself there's always something wrong.. and I'll relapse in time Becsuse I don't have the proper help or patience. It's really so meaningless

 

[hurb]

It makes me think, was it really the world or was it just me? It's so agonizing to think of either choice, because ko matter what there isn't anything I can really do. If I try and improve myself there's always something wrong.. and I'll relapse in time Becsuse I don't have the proper help or patience. It's really so meaningless

I cant tell either , I mean loneliness is an all time high but at the same time we have the internet now , so we have higher expectations cause we know whats out there.
it rly feels like , if u dont get lucky then fuck you