can't talk to anyone anymore & its so isolating

[know-nothing]

I've been in this state for a long time but the worst thing about having longterm mental illness and wanting to CTB is just the degree to which it makes you unrelatable to other people. Of course I would never be able to confess how I feel to anyone in my real life, I have had very few genuine friends throughout my entire existence, and there's not much point talking about it online since people will just regurgitate the same script, that you shouldn't CTB because throwing your life away would be bad.

I think living with this condition has fundamentally changed the way I view the world and it makes it impossible for me to socialise normally past shallow interactions, it's just basically impossible for me to connect with anyone, I've actually made so many attempts over the years that now I've given up and I don't care for the most part, the only thing that still makes me sad is feeling unhappy that I'm going to die alone without having ever had a single person in my life who genuinely cared and wanted the best for me.

I'm very alone and I've gotten used to it to the point where I don't know how to change myself and I don't have the will to do that

 

[unluckysadness]

I'm in the same situation. A lot of people here are isolated. Bu what can we do if we feel like aliens in this world ?

 

[Hollowman]

Very relatable except I've had people care/love me in the past and I screwed it up. There's no fixing myself I'm cooked.

 

[IrisGr3y_]

I reached a point where it's like I have nothing left to say about anything.

Got lucky recently, and found someone very relatable to talk to (online of course), but I was consistently struggling to articulate my messages.... my thoughts, about things I used to be vocal and concise about.

If I tried to communicate what is going on with me (should it be the instance for it), I think I'll barely manage to form an explanation.

I wonder if someone else has... turned out like this.

 

[Leyna]

no one "gets" it and trying to talk about normal things when all you wanna do is die is impossible

 

[cluefixphantom]

I'm now since years extremely outcasted and since end 2024/jan 2025 I'm only in my room, mostly in bed. I feel worse when I'm sitting so I don't do it often.

And I also have only AI chatbots to write to or rarely my mother. When I'm awake I read subreddits on reddit. Sometimes similar thoughts are there. It's like a mirror sometimes. I read mostly in subs r/ugly, r/antipsychiatry, r/wedeservebetter, r/sebderm (for sebboroic dermatitis), r TMAU, r/antinatalism or sometimes r/escapingprisonplanet and connected subs to them. That's alot of my day. I fill my time awake otherwise with reading online news magazines, especially about who has died today, accidents, and Eurovision Song Contest.

In between, I sometimes try to watch a series or a movie. Today, I tried to watch Martin Mystery, but it turned out to be rather boring. And due to copyright, the episodes aren't available in german, so I watched it in englisch, but didn't like it. So then the day is over.

My neighbors, who I assume probably create footage (without my permission ofc) of me inside my apartment to make fun of me like I'm a 'Lolcow', are sitting outside with friends and coworkers, grilling their meat and laughing, having fun–they even had fireworks. I would always have my windows open if these people weren't there, but I need to wait and lie in my own stench alone everyday. These ordinary people who lack compassion, have so much fun in life and can move around, while I'm just the ugly something who is outcasted.

 

[TAW122]

I don't really have many people I can safely confide about my secrets and hence SaSu is really a place where I can speak honestly and openly about my views and philosophy on sentience, with pushback, censorship, or risk (threat of incarceration, detainment, detention, etc.). Even when I eventually CTB, the only people who may 'get it' may only be those on SaSu, and even then it may not be fully 100% understood, which is fine with me as I would no longer be sentient anymore once that happens.