clueless2dayor2morro
Member
- Feb 19, 2021
- 41
There is no point to this post, I just want to rant about life and why I plan to ctb in the next four years.
I was off of these forums for awhile, thinking that I was getting better but the more I interact with people face to face (from work and just going about my business out in public) and with my school's faculty and just reflecting on what I can feasibly do, I feel that I don't think any therapist will understand me and help me. I have been trying to find a therapist that I can afford but also one that will stay with me long enough to help.
The more I reflect on my future and even if I get past school (which is my biggest stress right now) there is nothing for me. I can see my face is prematurely aging and I am a horrible, bitter person. I hate myself inside and out. I don't want a therapist who is going to tell me about how happiness is a state of mind or that I need to love myself or give me more generalized, already done over advice on working myself. I want to work on myself but I don't know how to do it right. Every time I have given an earnest try at all the advice I have found and been given and it never seems to work. It sometimes even blows up in my face horribly.
Even if it's just not me and it's the world, I don't want to live in a world where everyone treats me like I'm less than human, sometimes even worse than the dirt.
On top of this, I truly feel I only have one close friend. And I feel like the way I act a lot and lay out all my shitty feelings and all of this drama in my head will make it so I lose them. I am afraid to call them out on the little inconsistencies I find when I talk with them and I feel like they're holding back some things they want to say.
My other friends from high school, even my "closest" friends I feel so distant from them. One of them I feel is manipulative and fake and like they aren't as honest with me as I am with them. What's stupid is that I am worried they'll be suicidal if I decide to one day cut them off and stop talking to them because I don't see a point in telling them we aren't friends anymore when they haven't necessarily done anything wrong. They're perfectly fine as a person I just feel like I can't associate with anyone anymore.
I am stressing out more the closer the start of school gets. I don't want to have to show up to in person classes anymore. I just don't want to be seen at all anymore. I know no one is looking or staring at me, I am just in the background of everyone's lives but I don't even want to be in the background anymore. I kind of hope a second lockdown will happen in my location even though it'll mean a lot of business and people will get hurt by another lockdown.
I fucking hate this. I am still holding out hope that things will get better but at this point I'm already preparing to get a ticket to ctb. I'm hoping to read up more on these forums and similar sites on my method of choice so I can save up, buy the supplies closer to when I plan to go and wrap things up.
I was off of these forums for awhile, thinking that I was getting better but the more I interact with people face to face (from work and just going about my business out in public) and with my school's faculty and just reflecting on what I can feasibly do, I feel that I don't think any therapist will understand me and help me. I have been trying to find a therapist that I can afford but also one that will stay with me long enough to help.
The more I reflect on my future and even if I get past school (which is my biggest stress right now) there is nothing for me. I can see my face is prematurely aging and I am a horrible, bitter person. I hate myself inside and out. I don't want a therapist who is going to tell me about how happiness is a state of mind or that I need to love myself or give me more generalized, already done over advice on working myself. I want to work on myself but I don't know how to do it right. Every time I have given an earnest try at all the advice I have found and been given and it never seems to work. It sometimes even blows up in my face horribly.
Even if it's just not me and it's the world, I don't want to live in a world where everyone treats me like I'm less than human, sometimes even worse than the dirt.
On top of this, I truly feel I only have one close friend. And I feel like the way I act a lot and lay out all my shitty feelings and all of this drama in my head will make it so I lose them. I am afraid to call them out on the little inconsistencies I find when I talk with them and I feel like they're holding back some things they want to say.
My other friends from high school, even my "closest" friends I feel so distant from them. One of them I feel is manipulative and fake and like they aren't as honest with me as I am with them. What's stupid is that I am worried they'll be suicidal if I decide to one day cut them off and stop talking to them because I don't see a point in telling them we aren't friends anymore when they haven't necessarily done anything wrong. They're perfectly fine as a person I just feel like I can't associate with anyone anymore.
I am stressing out more the closer the start of school gets. I don't want to have to show up to in person classes anymore. I just don't want to be seen at all anymore. I know no one is looking or staring at me, I am just in the background of everyone's lives but I don't even want to be in the background anymore. I kind of hope a second lockdown will happen in my location even though it'll mean a lot of business and people will get hurt by another lockdown.
I fucking hate this. I am still holding out hope that things will get better but at this point I'm already preparing to get a ticket to ctb. I'm hoping to read up more on these forums and similar sites on my method of choice so I can save up, buy the supplies closer to when I plan to go and wrap things up.
