Can I still feel happiness

[parnassius_mnemosyn]

May should have been a good month after a long time of isolation and pain. I travelled, met a lot of new people, visited some friends that live far away. People were kind to me, showed interest in me. I got accepted to university as well. Life has technically become better. Yet I am left feeling the same as before. When people talked to me I felt like an alien. I didn't feel any connection to anyone, no thrill, just constant exhaustion. When people are kind, I feel like they are pretending. When they seem genuine, I feel like they won't stick around if they actually got know who I truly am, which is why I remained guarded. Maybe I had the ability to be happy sucked out of me and maybe it's not coming back.
The closest I get is feeling neutral. I think it might be that I still have no people I feel truly close to, and don't know if that is even a possibility for me anymore, and the fact that no matter what I do or where I am, I am feeling constant dread over the way I look. I decided that if I am going to keep living (at least for uni) I might try to restrict as much as possible to save up for cosmetic surgery, maybe it will make a difference, maybe I will finally be able to engage in life and feel what I am supposed to feel. Maybe maybe maybe, I am not used to planning for the future.
I passed a party when I was in the city on a Saturday evening and observed the people my age having fun. They looked so beautiful, young and lively. Again, I felt like an alien, looking at a different species. It made me realise how disconnected I am from this world, how blind I am to it's beauty. I want to know the warmth that other people seem to get from this life. I just want to feel happy, I want it to be possible.

 

[nightmare-receiver]

I get you. I was going through something similar for a long time. It still comes back sometimes, but it never lasts as long as it used to. Regardless of how bad it sucks, it's totally a human experience. I don't know if i have much of a point here, other than to let you know you're not alone. Things improving isn't impossible. I'll be crossing my fingers for you, and I mean it. Someone doesn't have to know every part of you to be sincere and care.

 

[Kokonoe]

i relate to how you feel. i won't ever feel happiness, either.

 

[KnightOfSwords]

I know this feeling. I try to tell myself that perhaps observing their behaviour and faking till you making will get me closer to happiness too (you can't tell if they're really genuinely having fun, can you?). Or maybe I can somehow gradually return back the ability to feel joy over time, if I keep staying or find new good people. Anyway, even feeling neutral is already great imo.