This is a bit of a rant.
I have been in recovery during the last months. Sometimes my existence is bearable. Sometimes I'm sad, like I am now. And I kind of want to die.
In the course of the last few months I noticed something. My desire to die coexists with something else, a train of thought, a tiny voice, that says "I don't wanna die".
Have you noticed it as well? Please note I'm not literally listening a voice. It's most likely a thought/feeling, but "voice" works very well in a metaphoric sense.
It seems it doesn't show up when you feel really down. It's not exactly SI, because SI is something that happens when you are actually in the verge of actually doing it.
And sometimes I'm just sitting there and it says, "what the fuck were you thinking when you tried to kill yourself last year? Why did you try to hurt me?". And I feel really bad.
So I thought... what if that voice is actually me?. I mean, who else it could be? So, what if suicide means murdering that whiny self that doesn't want to die? Wouldn't it be cruel?
But then there's also the other "voice", that says "I want to die". And that must be me as well. So, do I want to die?.
I guess I don't want to die. I just want not to suffer. But then again. It seems a part of me really, really don't want to die. Wouldn't it be cruel?
Have you been through something similar? Have you felt like that?. What is real, you wanna die or you don't? Are both feelings true? Have you ever felt that it is really a mistake to think about suicide, or actually trying to commit suicide? But then you want the pain to stop?.
I have been in recovery during the last months. Sometimes my existence is bearable. Sometimes I'm sad, like I am now. And I kind of want to die.
In the course of the last few months I noticed something. My desire to die coexists with something else, a train of thought, a tiny voice, that says "I don't wanna die".
Have you noticed it as well? Please note I'm not literally listening a voice. It's most likely a thought/feeling, but "voice" works very well in a metaphoric sense.
It seems it doesn't show up when you feel really down. It's not exactly SI, because SI is something that happens when you are actually in the verge of actually doing it.
And sometimes I'm just sitting there and it says, "what the fuck were you thinking when you tried to kill yourself last year? Why did you try to hurt me?". And I feel really bad.
So I thought... what if that voice is actually me?. I mean, who else it could be? So, what if suicide means murdering that whiny self that doesn't want to die? Wouldn't it be cruel?
But then there's also the other "voice", that says "I want to die". And that must be me as well. So, do I want to die?.
I guess I don't want to die. I just want not to suffer. But then again. It seems a part of me really, really don't want to die. Wouldn't it be cruel?
Have you been through something similar? Have you felt like that?. What is real, you wanna die or you don't? Are both feelings true? Have you ever felt that it is really a mistake to think about suicide, or actually trying to commit suicide? But then you want the pain to stop?.
