Droso
Born, survive, reproduce, die.
- Dec 23, 2024
- 196
Ever since I decided that I was going to ctb in early August, everything has been so boring. Usually the stuff that would keep me entertained has just become more filler in my life.
And that's how it's been for a while— a filler. But before my decision it was also a distraction.
The issue is I don't feel like I need a distraction anymore. Whenever I feel dysphoric, I remind myself that soon enough I won't feel this any longer. That I won't have to experience this life for years to come: I only have a couple more months left.
The way I've been living my life has been through filler and distractions. I haven't actually lived. I have no motivation to. I'm permanently dissociated, as well as depersonalization and derealization. So this feeling of relief, well, it's awkward and uncomfortable.
I've been living like this for so long. And now I don't know what to do with myself. I thought that I would want to check off bucket list items. I feel as if I'm more in a hurry to leave.
I've become resigned. It's not that life feels like impending doom anymore. It just feels uninteresting. In analogies, I've checked myself out before I'm able to leave the hotel. Antsy to get this all over with.
It's really weird. I feel practically no happiness or pleasure, but also I don't feel as horrible anymore. I'm just kind of existing. Things in the world aren't affecting me.
It has started to hinder my relationships, however. Not just romantic ones, but platonic and familial ones as well. I have stopped caring about others. I've become completely self absorbed. Whenever I hurt others I don't feel anything. I just shrug it off.
Logically, I feel bad, I don't want to end these relationships on such a bad note. These are people that I love and care for to my current capabilities, I should leave a good last memory for them.
I also just don't care. I guess my eventual death has taken over my current life. I function and survive so outsiders don't question me. I only do so to continue working toward my due date.
It all feels so weird. I'm bored and lonely, yet I find no interest in interacting with others unless it's out of guilt or if I'm high. It sucks being human— a social creature who requires such type of enrichment. But I just don't feel any benefits. It's not like my loneliness and boredom goes away when I try to be social and do the things I used to enjoy doing.
And of course, there's the fact that I can't even open up to most people on my plans. So how could I connect and benefit from socializing with others? Our goals in life are so different. The way we experience the world is so different. I have really yet to meet anyone else who shares the same outlooks on life. And that's fine. It would just make time pass on faster is all instead of having to consciously present myself as a completely different person to the world.
I'll just keep consuming content. Maybe going to the beach will ease my boredom. But I'm not sure. I find all of this meaningless.
And that's how it's been for a while— a filler. But before my decision it was also a distraction.
The issue is I don't feel like I need a distraction anymore. Whenever I feel dysphoric, I remind myself that soon enough I won't feel this any longer. That I won't have to experience this life for years to come: I only have a couple more months left.
The way I've been living my life has been through filler and distractions. I haven't actually lived. I have no motivation to. I'm permanently dissociated, as well as depersonalization and derealization. So this feeling of relief, well, it's awkward and uncomfortable.
I've been living like this for so long. And now I don't know what to do with myself. I thought that I would want to check off bucket list items. I feel as if I'm more in a hurry to leave.
I've become resigned. It's not that life feels like impending doom anymore. It just feels uninteresting. In analogies, I've checked myself out before I'm able to leave the hotel. Antsy to get this all over with.
It's really weird. I feel practically no happiness or pleasure, but also I don't feel as horrible anymore. I'm just kind of existing. Things in the world aren't affecting me.
It has started to hinder my relationships, however. Not just romantic ones, but platonic and familial ones as well. I have stopped caring about others. I've become completely self absorbed. Whenever I hurt others I don't feel anything. I just shrug it off.
Logically, I feel bad, I don't want to end these relationships on such a bad note. These are people that I love and care for to my current capabilities, I should leave a good last memory for them.
I also just don't care. I guess my eventual death has taken over my current life. I function and survive so outsiders don't question me. I only do so to continue working toward my due date.
It all feels so weird. I'm bored and lonely, yet I find no interest in interacting with others unless it's out of guilt or if I'm high. It sucks being human— a social creature who requires such type of enrichment. But I just don't feel any benefits. It's not like my loneliness and boredom goes away when I try to be social and do the things I used to enjoy doing.
And of course, there's the fact that I can't even open up to most people on my plans. So how could I connect and benefit from socializing with others? Our goals in life are so different. The way we experience the world is so different. I have really yet to meet anyone else who shares the same outlooks on life. And that's fine. It would just make time pass on faster is all instead of having to consciously present myself as a completely different person to the world.
I'll just keep consuming content. Maybe going to the beach will ease my boredom. But I'm not sure. I find all of this meaningless.
