Blah Blah Blah

[deathisnear]

Ugh, I'm probably in a rare position where my parents aren't the reason or contributors to my wanting to ctb. So on days like today on Father's Day when I talk to my Dad on the phone and he's so happy and I'm like Happy Father's Day Dad ... and in my head I'm like this is probably going to be your last one because I hopefully will ctb by the end of the year. I don't know, just makes for some weird feelings. Not wanting to hurt my family is the only reason I've stuck around this long, My ctb has always been about me and me alone and how I feel, so I know I will have to get past the feelings of hurting people I care about and I am, I've made great strides, just on days like today sometimes it sneaks back in.

 

[western_heart]

My parents aren't why I want to CTB either but I can't even bring myself to face them right now. I didn't buy a card or gift for my dad and will try my best to tell him happy father's day, but my feelings of shame make it difficult.

 

[deathisnear]

My parents aren't why I want to CTB either but I can't even bring myself to face them right now. I didn't buy a card or gift for my dad and will try my best to tell him happy father's day, but my feelings of shame make it difficult.

I understand. I did talk on the phone and mailed him a card, but I completely understand. I've wanted to ctb for years and my parents are a big reason why I stuck it out for so many years. I've been close with my parents my whole life, I don't want to face them either, if I didn't though it would be highly suspicious, so I have to put on the mask so to speak. My only hope is that me writing a long note explaining not only that it's not their fault, but my reasoning behind me doing it will bring them sort of peace. Hugs friend.

 

[FuneralCry]

I can relate, I actually have quite a good relationship with my parents. I know they would be sad, but I would never suffer for the sake of them, and I would always put myself first. I guess there is nothing to do to stop those types of feelings though, to end our pain it passes it on to others.

 

[deathisnear]

I can relate, I actually have quite a good relationship with my parents. I know they would be sad, but I would never suffer for the sake of them, and I would always put myself first. I guess there is nothing to do to stop those types of feelings though, to end our pain it passes it on to others.

Agreed, but at the end of the day, I have to do what I need to do and I know ctb is my only way to peace. I know it will be hard on them, but hopefully I can make it easier. The suffering has to stop and I'm the only one that can make it stop. It's nice to know some people can relate.