awful people like me should drop dead

[SparkleWater]

i yell and scream at people like a fucking child over something as simple as trying to give me encouragement. i tell them to off themselves and scream and shout when i dont get my way. someone like that should no longer be alive. if not for the betterment of the human race. for the people around me.
I am abusive to my boyfriend and soon to be ex. And eventually my new friend that i met last month or two will eventually see the real me. Meltdowns, anger, rage, a spoiled little bitch that screams and cries over tiny things building up.

i wont get this job. i know i wont. i dont even know why i bother. i have the materials to end it all already. i just need to step the fuck up and actually commit to something for once in my pathetic little life.
i also think the worst part is i dont feel guilt about it. about blowing up. I feel more scared of the consequences rather than the fact that I hurt someone. makes me wonder if im already too fucking broken to even try and be human.
they feel more like thoughts than anything else. like 'you just hurt someone, you should feel bad' but i dont. Again, what kind of person is that? Does that not sound like a red flag? I feel other things but guilt is just not one of them.

 

[SASU-KE]

It seems like an underlying disorder.My dad had those issues. He didn't seek treatment and we just took the brunt of it.

Either he didn't realize he needed help or just didn't care enough.

It seems like you can at least identify that there's an issue and don't want to treat people this way. Have you sought help or treatment ?

 

[SparkleWater]

It seems like an underlying disorder.My dad had those issues. He didn't seek treatment and we just took the brunt of it.

Either he didn't realize he needed help or just didn't care enough.

It seems like you can at least identify that there's an issue and don't want to treat people this way. Have you sought help or treatment ?

im embarrassed to admit it really. Especially to my new therapist. If anything I feel guilt for not feeling guilt. And at that its very little.
i did hear autism could blunt emotions but i feel others quite strongly. I can still laugh I can still cry but I just cant feel guilt. I could have sworn i was able to as a kid but I dont know.

 

[SASU-KE]

im embarrassed to admit it really. Especially to my new therapist. If anything I feel guilt for not feeling guilt. And at that its very little.
i did hear autism could blunt emotions but i feel others quite strongly. I can still laugh I can still cry but I just cant feel guilt. I could have sworn i was able to as a kid but I dont know.

Ah . You're self aware and that's a good thing.Being able to recognize it and wanting to change as you're trying to is a very good sign. Many people who feel that way either don't care or just ignore it.

There's no doubt you seem to be grappling with something. Some of the people I know have certain emotions turned way down and others tuned up very strongly. It might be like that for you as well.
Or maybe other emotions are normal and your guilt and remorse are kind of turned down?

That's actually an indication of a sociopath lol but I don't think someone with that disorder would feel bad like you do.

Regardless, I hope you can get a handle on it, and I hope your friends and family can be understanding through it all.

 

[bl33ding_heart]

I have bpd and go through similar things because of it. The littlest thing can set me off and lead me to having an emotional rampage, and saying very regrettable things because of it. It honestly makes me feel lil a huge piece of shit, and like I don't deserve to get better and be happy. It sounds like you probably have a disorder of some sorts, whether it's a personality disorder or not. Just know that you aren't a terrible person because you didn't choose to be this way. As long as you are willing to acknowledge your faults and try your best to improve, you aren't a bad person.