Venting my film SUICIDELAND

[chiikawalover616]

i made a film called SUICIDELAND, on youtube a little bit over a week ago. i published it and it received 1 million views.
its like all my life's dreams came true. i made a film, directed by me, and its popular to the point im getting new job opportunities, people everywhere are reaching out to me, expecting new art, its making money and everything.

but i still dont want to live. i still plan to die at the end of july. because the world's getting hotter and ai is here, and i dont see a future at all for the world. but i feel so fucking awful. everything is like the dream for me, and im about to die letting everyone down.

i dont know if theres a solution i just wanted to vent

 

[nelaB]

i made a film called SUICIDELAND, on youtube a little bit over a week ago. i published it and it received 1 million views.
its like all my life's dreams came true. i made a film, directed by me, and its popular to the point im getting new job opportunities, people everywhere are reaching out to me, expecting new art, its making money and everything.

but i still dont want to live. i still plan to die at the end of july. because the world's getting hotter and ai is here, and i dont see a future at all for the world. but i feel so fucking awful. everything is like the dream for me, and im about to die letting everyone down.

i dont know if theres a solution i just wanted to vent

Wow I gotta check that out. Glad a lot of people were able to see it

 

[behindtheveil]

I just saw yr movie, Its amazing, you are so talented. May I know is this what u really feel what happens to us ctb'ers?

 

[nettspend]

I don't know if this is the case for you, but achieving your dreams is often pretty disappointing.

I write fiction and after one of my works blew up I thought I had found my path. I got like 100k unique visits to my tiny personal website in a day. Have never experienced a rush like that without drugs. Of course, it didn't last, and after that it was like everything I published was an attempt to recreate that moment. I eventually stopped posting as I couldn't handle the pressure. I kept getting mail asking for when I would make my return, so I just shut the site down. I felt very ungrateful and ashamed for a long time, that I just threw away this dream I had in my hands.

Point is, happiness is rarely derived from external success, and you shouldn't feel bad about not being appreciative enough or whatever. Plenty of rich, beautiful, successful people struggle with their mental health.

 

[Sylveon]

I'm not sure if you wanna hear it now, but I just saw that video, and it was truly amazing, especially the hindi parts really hit in the feels

I don't know the specifics of your situation, but it's okay if you feel confused during this time, and if you're having any second thoughts, then it's definitely worth sticking around for some more, even if you end up deciding to go through with it anyway.

 

[roastedpotato5230]

i saw it last night funny enough, im already a huge fan

the reactions of amritas parents and all hit super close to home considering im indian too, never thought we would get representation like this lmao

overall goated work love your art

 

[chiikawalover616]

I just saw yr movie, Its amazing, you are so talented. May I know is this what u really feel what happens to us ctb'ers?

no, it was kind of just a fantasy. i wanted to show this idea of "i dont want to die, but the world makes living even harder, so what if there was a world where everyone went through suicide, and was just kind to one another". but if im being honest i dont really believe in an afterlife. i hope there isnt. i just want to stay dead

 

[behindtheveil]

no, it was kind of just a fantasy. i wanted to show this idea of "i dont want to die, but the world makes living even harder, so what if there was a world where everyone went through suicide, and was just kind to one another". but if im being honest i dont really believe in an afterlife. i hope there isnt. i just want to stay dead

Wow, you really captured the core essence. It reminds me of wristcutters- the movie! You know even though I myself am contemplating when to do it, I somehow do agree with Sylveon to a certain extent. You never know if this might be your lucky break or otherwise. But rushing it is far more difficult.
I wish you the very best in whatever you decide and especially for your channel.

 

[Kenny]

I hate to sound like a broken record but your animation really resonated with me. I've been dealing with abuse, my dad actually told me to ctb a few times at this point, same to my siblings, he doesn't care. I cried through most of the animation, not just because it was so relatable, but also because I know that it reached a million people with a message saying "all we wanted is compassion".

I will admit, I am also scared of AI. Not only is it a horrible stain on the earth and economy, it's going to become one of the biggest competitors to almost any field of work. It feels so dystopian to be replaced by a robot...

no, it was kind of just a fantasy. i wanted to show this idea of "i dont want to die, but the world makes living even harder, so what if there was a world where everyone went through suicide, and was just kind to one another". but if im being honest i dont really believe in an afterlife. i hope there isnt. i just want to stay dead

100% correct. I feel like if the world was kinder to us, we wouldn't think the way they do. Hardly anyone here wants to commit deep down, it's the cruelty of the world that forces them to in one way or another. If everyone knew each other's pain and had even the littlest bit of compassion, we'd all be in a different place.

I can definitely see how it's hard to leave people behind. You've touched a lot of people with your animation, and they don't want to see you go. I can see how that'd put you in a weird dilemma, making a last hoorah and having a million people see it. Lots of people look up to you, but it's still your life at the end of the day. One of the last reasons I'm still here is because of my baby sister. I made a half ass attempt a little while ago, maybe a few days before I joined the forum, but I chickened out because I thought about my baby sister mid-attempt.

I'm here to help you out either way you go, if your mind is set then I respect your decision and hope you find a peaceful way to go. If you change your mind or ever want to talk to anyone though, I'm always here, and I'll always listen.

Edit: I thought Youtube had pretty strict demonetisation, how'd you get a film about suicide through without getting demonetised?

 

[100memoryleaks]

great work, it's an amazing film. <3

 

[tend a dead garden]

your film is really cool. Excellent animation and story!

 

[BradGuy123]

I'm going to watch this tonight after dinner. Congratulations on 1M views in a week. That's quite an accomplishment.

 

[lilb0wpeep]

I saw a couple hours after it was posted. It was on my home page/recommended. I thought it was really cool and I like it's not something that specifically had a "happy ending" or a "bad ending" even. It just is. Of course I immediately wondered if it would be brought up on here, but I didn't think the creator of it would post about it here. It's a really nice film and I'm sure plenty of people would love to see more of what you make. That said I absolutely understand the way you feel regardless of all the success that's come from it. Your life will always be up to you but I will say that you should allow yourself to enjoy and make the best of what comes of it.
May you find success, enjoyment, and peace with all you do.

 

[The Eternal One]

Omg, I found and watched it yesterday a few times back to back to back and contemplated heavily posting it on this forum for others to appreciate, but decided against it due to shyness. I had no idea the creator of the movie used this site, as well, though it makes sense in retrospect.

Your movie made me feel so seen, so understood (previously, only "The Cat Lady" reached me the same way and touched the same nerve). Honestly, I thought about this forum the entire time while watching, as if the character of Lola represented my impression of this community at large. These days I can only handle talking to other suicidal people - the deep unspoken understanding between all of us is completely inaccessible to non-suicidal people, so I simply don't bother with them these days.

You made a true piece of art, meant to disturb the comforted and comfort the disturbed. Every symbol in its place, every detail and story beat perfect. Thank you so much for wonderful memories you created.
It's a shame the comment section on Youtube is the usual normie circle jerk talking about the subject they have zero grasp of, but oh well. It's Youtube after all.

On the topic of your post, please, don't feel bad for still having ideation and making plans. You're not throwing away anything or letting everyone down. Such sudden success doesn't normally revert things - this stuff only works in movies. It also doesn't oblige you to keep accumulating more success, capitalizing on anything.
Please, make sure to reward yourself with love and patience for the job well done and don't put any expectations on yourself. Whatever you end up choosing or doing, it's meant to be.

 

[chiikawalover616]

I hate to sound like a broken record but your animation really resonated with me. I've been dealing with abuse, my dad actually told me to ctb a few times at this point, same to my siblings, he doesn't care. I cried through most of the animation, not just because it was so relatable, but also because I know that it reached a million people with a message saying "all we wanted is compassion".

I will admit, I am also scared of AI. Not only is it a horrible stain on the earth and economy, it's going to become one of the biggest competitors to almost any field of work. It feels so dystopian to be replaced by a robot...



100% correct. I feel like if the world was kinder to us, we wouldn't think the way they do. Hardly anyone here wants to commit deep down, it's the cruelty of the world that forces them to in one way or another. If everyone knew each other's pain and had even the littlest bit of compassion, we'd all be in a different place.

I can definitely see how it's hard to leave people behind. You've touched a lot of people with your animation, and they don't want to see you go. I can see how that'd put you in a weird dilemma, making a last hoorah and having a million people see it. Lots of people look up to you, but it's still your life at the end of the day. One of the last reasons I'm still here is because of my baby sister. I made a half ass attempt a little while ago, maybe a few days before I joined the forum, but I chickened out because I thought about my baby sister mid-attempt.

I'm here to help you out either way you go, if your mind is set then I respect your decision and hope you find a peaceful way to go. If you change your mind or ever want to talk to anyone though, I'm always here, and I'll always listen.

Edit: I thought Youtube had pretty strict demonetisation, how'd you get a film about suicide through without getting demonetised?

thank you so much for your kind words. i have some antiemetics and SN, but i need to figure out if i have everything properly organised and i need to settle my last affairs, like i need to figure out what to put on my note and what stuff to give away.
I honestly dont know how it didn't get demonetised. I think it's purely because it's a short film. YouTube's criteria is different for films covering topics as compared to regular videos. If you look up other short films on suicide on YouTube, none of them have been flagged either. thank you again

 

[telekon]

I'm in love with the voice acting and the whole style. You could make it big.

There is a future of the world, it just doesn't seem like it right now. But there is.

 

[RottenSoul]

i made a film called SUICIDELAND, on youtube a little bit over a week ago. i published it and it received 1 million views.
its like all my life's dreams came true. i made a film, directed by me, and its popular to the point im getting new job opportunities, people everywhere are reaching out to me, expecting new art, its making money and everything.

but i still dont want to live. i still plan to die at the end of july. because the world's getting hotter and ai is here, and i dont see a future at all for the world. but i feel so fucking awful. everything is like the dream for me, and im about to die letting everyone down.

i dont know if theres a solution i just wanted to vent

I saw it before seeing this post from you here, it was so beautiful and emotional. It just popped in my front page with a bunch pf other suicide short films because youtube kind of found out about my condition, i wish you the best and i hope you find the peace you want.

 

[WishfulNeanderthal]

You are incredibly talented, i loved the film. If you ever need to talk, we are here ^^

 

[UserFromNowhere]

I've been seeing it pop up in my feed almost ever since it came out, always meaning to watch it but never quite getting around to it. But after seeing your post and realizing it was created by a SaSu member with a nuanced view of the situation, I decided to take the plunge. I have to agree with the other sentiments in the replies to this thread, it really is a beautiful short film.

 

[geepeedee]

you made something really special, i hope you give yourself some time to feel some pride in your accomplishment.

 

[UltraAlter]

That was really beautiful you're truely talented.
I really do hope you find a way to stick around. It would be a shame to not get to see what else you're capable of.
But we all understand either way. I just hope things work out the best for you.

 

[zerocontrol]

because the world's getting hotter and ai is here, and i dont see a future at all for the world.

While true, I think it's important to understand that this world has actually always sucked and has always been filled with struggle and suffering. No matter which time in history we pick - there will always be something on the horizon that seems like it will end it all. But somehow we've survived past all that, and somehow we're keeping the ball rolling.
I feel a shift in perspective might help. For instance: the world is getting hotter, and since it's a global issue facing the entire humanity, it's something for us to unite over and to solve not as a nation, but as citizens of Earth. It's an inspiring goal to achieve and to spread the word around. As for AI - it has its benefits outside of the blind investors dumping their money into a new craze. From small things like text correction, to large, such as advancements in medicine research.
I do hope you instead focus on your personal life and try your hand at living past the eternal doomed nature of the perceived future. But if it really feels like it's too much for you - I hope for you to achieve your peace, whichever way you choose.
I also quite enjoyed the movie. Thank you for your effort, I admire it. I hope it wasn't a painful process, and I'm sorry if it was.

 

[Passenger4224]

I just watched your film... twice... and I am absolutely obsessed with it. I should have CTB'd by now but postponed a few weeks. Watching the film has been my favorite moment during these weeks. Thank you so much for your hard work!

I know the film has a lot of symbolism and small details, can you tell me more about any hidden meanings I might've missed?

For everyone reading this, I am curious, would you stay in Suicideland if given the choice? (Personally I would not. The issue causing my original death would probably not disappear if I was there.)

Also, OP, I'm very sorry to hear about the empty feelings you still have, even with your dreams coming true. This world is a cruel place. Hope you keep us updated about how you're doing, if you wish to.

 

[annointed_towers]

i made a film called SUICIDELAND, on youtube a little bit over a week ago. i published it and it received 1 million views.
its like all my life's dreams came true. i made a film, directed by me, and its popular to the point im getting new job opportunities, people everywhere are reaching out to me, expecting new art, its making money and everything.

but i still dont want to live. i still plan to die at the end of july. because the world's getting hotter and ai is here, and i dont see a future at all for the world. but i feel so fucking awful. everything is like the dream for me, and im about to die letting everyone down.

i dont know if theres a solution i just wanted to vent

Oh, I saw it a few days ago! It was recommended to me by the algorithm. No question why. It was moving.

 

[DeathJester]

I got it reccomended a ton of times, actually saved it in "watch later." Hell yeah, gonna try it later.

 

[RatoftheCity]

The film was definitely one of the best things I've watched in a while. It was so creative and emotional, made me cry at some points. I hope everything works out for you

 

[cryingobsidian]

i made a film called SUICIDELAND, on youtube a little bit over a week ago. i published it and it received 1 million views.
its like all my life's dreams came true. i made a film, directed by me, and its popular to the point im getting new job opportunities, people everywhere are reaching out to me, expecting new art, its making money and everything.

but i still dont want to live. i still plan to die at the end of july. because the world's getting hotter and ai is here, and i dont see a future at all for the world. but i feel so fucking awful. everything is like the dream for me, and im about to die letting everyone down.

i dont know if theres a solution i just wanted to vent

hey the amount of time this has popped up on my recommendations is crazy I even saved it to watch later, guess I'll watch it now

 

[thefrenchmonkey]

Watched the film a couple days ago and was surprised to see you talking about it here, but just wanted to say that I loved the entire production of it especially as an Indian who can very much relate to Amrita. It's genuinely one of the few short films that've really stuck with me.

 

[Numinous]

I watched this a few days ago. I had no idea its creator was on this site, but tbh, makes sense. You're talented, I hope you find a reason to keep going as I'm sure you have more to offer the world.

 

[yotaka]

Thank you for creating this. It's really beautiful