Autism and constantly feeling like a fool

[mysticall]

I'm autistic and I keep finding that how I feel about people is not how they feel about me. I am no one's best friend. I'll check in with people and try to make plans, even fly to go visit people, and a couple days later realize that literally no one has ever fucking done that for me? I just feel like a fucking fool. I am not taken seriously. Oh, I am transgender, so I suspect that also has something to do with it. But my life has gotten unimaginably small since being diagnosed and coming out. I'm really trying to keep holding on to the idea that things will get better but I really am also starting to think and fully accept that they are not going to and perhaps it really is time to ctb. It would be a long time coming. I wrote my first note when I was 8 and the misery just compounds year after year. Anyone else autistic and feel this way?

 

[sixthgun]

I feel the same way. I would always make effort to be there for people, staying up all night texting them, commuting to college when I didn't have lessons just so my friend wasn't lonely during breaks, even going to doctor's appointments with them. Yet that effort would never be reciprocated.

It feels like no matter how much I try to act normal, people feel unsettled by me, like they get some kind of uncanny valley effect, and because of that I have to put in thrice the effort to make people tolerate me. I found out that someone who I admired said that they're "not quite sure how to describe me" when talking about me to someone else. Normally that comment wouldn't hurt but the combination of me admiring that person and them being an authority figure in my life sucked. I'd tried so hard to make that person like me, even hiding personal issues I was having as to not be a problem for them.

 

[1000memoryleaks]

I'm autistic and I keep finding that how I feel about people is not how they feel about me. I am no one's best friend. I'll check in with people and try to make plans, even fly to go visit people, and a couple days later realize that literally no one has ever fucking done that for me? I just feel like a fucking fool. I am not taken seriously. Oh, I am transgender, so I suspect that also has something to do with it. But my life has gotten unimaginably small since being diagnosed and coming. I'm really trying to keep holding on to the idea that things will get better but I really am also starting to think and fully accept that they are not going to and perhaps it really is time to ctb. It would be a long time coming. I wrote my first note when I was 8 and the misery just compounds year after year. Anyone else autistic and feel this way?

i feel like it's because humans are generally fixed to want what they can't have. if you're nice enough to always be available for someone they'll quickly take it for granted and not think much of it anymore, whereas they'll spend more time thinking about someone who doesn't think about them whatsoever because it's something they don't or can't have

 

[mysticall]

i feel like it's because humans are generally fixed to want what they can't have. if you're nice enough to always be available for someone they'll quickly take it for granted and not think much of it anymore, whereas they'll spend more time thinking about someone who doesn't think about them whatsoever because it's something they don't or can't have

Damn. That's actually so true.

 

[kittensarefalling]

Yes, I can relate. I'm always asking my friends how they are and seeing if they feel alright but I don't remember the last time someone has done the same for me. I guess I usually assume that my friends just don't know what to say to help me. Unfortunately, knowing how to help people around you isn't common knowledge or something easy.
You aren't alone on this.

 

[mysticall]

I feel the same way. I would always make effort to be there for people, staying up all night texting them, commuting to college when I didn't have lessons just so my friend wasn't lonely during breaks, even going to doctor's appointments with them. Yet that effort would never be reciprocated.

It feels like no matter how much I try to act normal, people feel unsettled by me, like they get some kind of uncanny valley effect, and because of that I have to put in thrice the effort to make people tolerate me. I found out that someone who I admired said that they're "not quite sure how to describe me" when talking about me to someone else. Normally that comment wouldn't hurt but the combination of me admiring that person and them being an authority figure in my life sucked. I'd tried so hard to make that person like me, even hiding personal issues I was having as to not be a problem for them.

Yes. This. I can tell people feel unsettled by me. And then putting in all the extra effort to make them accept me makes me feel exhausted. I lose myself by trying to become more likable, which just leads to more loneliness.

Yes, I can relate. I'm always asking my friends how they are and seeing if they feel alright but I don't remember the last time someone has done the same for me. I guess I usually assume that my friends just don't know what to say to help me. Unfortunately, knowing how to help people around you isn't common knowledge or something easy.
You aren't alone on this.

I try to remember this too. Because even I sometimes don't know the right thing to say or right thing to do to try and help someone. But I guess I am just so so over feeling like I am truly the only one who goes wayyyy out of their way for people.

 

[kanamycinklavsta]

I'm autistic and I keep finding that how I feel about people is not how they feel about me. I am no one's best friend. I'll check in with people and try to make plans, even fly to go visit people, and a couple days later realize that literally no one has ever fucking done that for me? I just feel like a fucking fool. I am not taken seriously. Oh, I am transgender, so I suspect that also has something to do with it. But my life has gotten unimaginably small since being diagnosed and coming out. I'm really trying to keep holding on to the idea that things will get better but I really am also starting to think and fully accept that they are not going to and perhaps it really is time to ctb. It would be a long time coming. I wrote my first note when I was 8 and the misery just compounds year after year. Anyone else autistic and feel this way?

This hits really hard. I have lvl2 autism with a language impairment and I am trans too so this makes me so sad that someone shares the same experiences as me. I'm sorry. I always have this habit of specifying that I am lvl2 with a language impairment as well because I need people to know I have autism. For some reason most people don't realize I am and just think i'm fucking weird and dumb for no reason because i'm not able to process things at the same speed as them. At least instead thinking i'm weird they'll show some pity for me, but they'll never treat me like i'm normal. They seem to kind of see me as someone with a shtick and someone to laugh at, but not to actually hangout with. I grew up with most people making fun of me and disliking me. I think the only thing saving me is because I have quirky, cool "niche" interests in music and fashion which makes me look a little bit more attractive to their standards. But once I actually talk to someone they realize very quickly that I'm different and it makes me just want to rip my skin out. On the other hand there are people who don't BELIEVE me when I say that I don't have mild autism, it is moderate. And they police me on whether I can call myself disabled or not when I am a highschool dropout. I hate it.

 

[mysticall]

This hits really hard. I have lvl2 autism with a language impairment and I am trans too so this makes me so sad that someone shares the same experiences as me. I'm sorry. I always have this habit of specifying that I am lvl2 with a language impairment as well because I need people to know I have autism. For some reason most people don't realize I am and just think i'm fucking weird and dumb for no reason because i'm not able to process things at the same speed as them. At least instead thinking i'm weird they'll show some pity for me, but they'll never treat me like i'm normal. They seem to kind of see me as someone with a shtick and someone to laugh at, but not to actually hangout with. I grew up with most people making fun of me and disliking me. I think the only thing saving me is because I have quirky, cool "niche" interests in music and fashion which makes me look a little bit more attractive to their standards. But once I actually talk to someone they realize very quickly that I'm different and it makes me just want to rip my skin out. On the other hand there are people who don't BELIEVE me when I say that I don't have mild autism, it is moderate. And they police me on whether I can call myself disabled or not when I am a highschool dropout. I hate it.

Holy shit. You really get it. I think my musical taste is what always saved me. I can literally see the moment when someone decides they are put off by me or think I'm fucking weird and I will never know what I did or said. The amount of people that think I am dumb I'm sure is absurd. The one thing I take solace in is knowing that in 99.9% of interactions I have, I am the smarter individual. Perhaps that's what makes others feel so put off. I'm realizing more and more as I get older and unmask that I am likely somewhere between a level 1 and 2. Surely not visibly and obviously autistic (depending on who you ask) but very bright. Very shy. Very weird.

 

[autisticmessiah]

I had a little bit of "friends" in high school but they would never let me mix with their non-autistic peers and only hung out with me sometimes when they had no other option which is something I've heard other autists describe experiencing, having to take the role as a second rate inferior backup "friend" else you have no friends at all.

There was this one guy who tried to befriend me for a few days or so until they realized I was autistic from my uncanny vibe and/or everyone else's gossip (which I was also told once happened all the time about me behind my back) that in turn made him switch immediately back to acting like everyone else by treating me like a ghost 99.99% of the time unless they're in the mood to talk to me like the toddler manchild I am. I wasn't bullied much though so it could've been a lot worse at least but it was still a demeaning and traumatizing experience nonetheless.

Now that I'm out of high school I don't give a shit about much of anything anymore and would rather be a hikikomori who never interacts with anyone IRL and not much online either. I never really tried much in the first place but I'm certainly done trying now.

 

[mysticall]

I had a little bit of "friends" in high school but they would never let me mix with their non-autistic peers and only hung out with me sometimes when they had no other option which is something I've heard other autists describe experiencing, having to take the role as a second rate inferior backup "friend" else you have no friends at all.

There was this one guy who tried to befriend me for a few days or so until they realized I was autistic from my uncanny vibe and/or everyone else's gossip (which I was also told once happened all the time about me behind my back) that in turn made him switch immediately back to acting like everyone else by treating me like a ghost 99.99% of the time unless they're in the mood to talk to me like the toddler manchild I am. I wasn't bullied much though so it could've been a lot worse at least but it was still a demeaning and traumatizing experience nonetheless.

Now that I'm out of high school I don't give a shit about much of anything anymore and would rather be a hikikomori who never interacts with anyone IRL and not much online either. I never really tried much in the first place but I'm certainly done trying now.

Yes. I never really mixed with anyone. And I have some horrifying experiences of being bullied or feeling left out. And I know now that if someone asks to hangout (it's been years) then it is because I am the last option. Part of me is glad no one even tries anymore because at least this feeling of loneliness is like this constant dull ache instead of being interspersed with moments of feeling like I matter to someone.

 

[kanamycinklavsta]

Holy shit. You really get it. I think my musical taste is what always saved me. I can literally see the moment when someone decides they are put off by me or think I'm fucking weird and I will never know what I did or said. The amount of people that think I am dumb I'm sure is absurd. The one thing I take solace in is knowing that in 99.9% of interactions I have, I am the smarter individual. Perhaps that's what makes others feel so put off. I'm realizing more and more as I get older and unmask that I am likely somewhere between a level 1 and 2. Surely not visibly and obviously autistic (depending on who you ask) but very bright. Very shy. Very weird.

oh my god yeah, for some reason it's like the ONLY acceptable special interest to have. if someone tells me about their favorite songs I can easily recommend something to them that i'm sure they've never heard of before and they're very very impressed. i often relate to feeling like i am the smarter individual. i think i read something awhile ago that we are constantly using all of our brain power to process things, hence why we may feel smarter, detail oriented, but get overstimulated easily. While neurotypicals save their brain power and they ration it out subconciously. i think that may contribute to why we realize when they're impressed. i think for some high masking individuals like us we learn how to mask through trial and error and just consciously note what makes them react to us and what doesn't. i can't help but feel like i'm watching myself talk to an npc who feels like someting is offputting with you because you're too aware. it sounds insulting, and i'm sorry to any neurotypical reading this. but that's how i truly see things. it also sucks when you're thrown into a situation where you have no schema on, and you're just forced to react as you normally would and people get freaked out by you. or if you're too overstimulated to try and consciously think about how to respond, you mess up. it is so fucking exhausting and is why we end up not having any energy to do anything else in our lives because we spent the whole day socializing.

sorry if anything in here is factually incorrect please take it with a grain of salt lol

 

[mysticall]

oh my god yeah, for some reason it's like the ONLY acceptable special interest to have. if someone tells me about their favorite songs I can easily recommend something to them that i'm sure they've never heard of before and they're very very impressed. i often relate to feeling like i am the smarter individual. i think i read something awhile ago that we are constantly using all of our brain power to process things, hence why we may feel smarter, detail oriented, but get overstimulated easily. While neurotypicals save their brain power and they ration it out subconciously. i think that may contribute to why we realize when they're impressed. i think for some high masking individuals like us we learn how to mask through trial and error and just consciously note what makes them react to us and what doesn't. i can't help but feel like i'm watching myself talk to an npc who feels like someting is offputting with you because you're too aware. it sounds insulting, and i'm sorry to any neurotypical reading this. but that's how i truly see things. it also sucks when you're thrown into a situation where you have no schema on, and you're just forced to react as you normally would and people get freaked out by you. or if you're too overstimulated to try and consciously think about how to respond, you mess up. it is so fucking exhausting and is why we end up not having any energy to do anything else in our lives because we spent the whole day socializing.

sorry if anything in here is factually incorrect please take it with a grain of salt lol

You are in my brain. This is so perfectly stated lol. Feeling like I'm talking to an npc who is put off by me is EXACTLY how I feel and I hadn't found quite the right way of describing it. I hate thinking like I'm some genius. I am assuredly NOT. But some people (most) (sic) are just dumb. I gave up hiding my disdain, though, for said people recently and I will say that has been liberating.

And this idea of figuring out what works is how I still live. I observe and carefully mimic and if it feels too forced or I can tell they can tell I give up on it.

But holy shit. God forbid I am overstimulated. Then I am a freak who needs to be put away (what 'they' think)

 

[kanamycinklavsta]

You are in my brain. This is so perfectly stated lol. Feeling like I'm talking to an npc who is put off by me is EXACTLY how I feel and I hadn't found quite the right way of describing it. I hate thinking like I'm some genius. I am assuredly NOT. But some people (most) (sic) are just dumb. I gave up hiding my disdain, though, for said people recently and I will say that has been liberating.

And this idea of figuring out what works is how I still live. I observe and carefully mimic and if it feels too forced or I can tell they can tell I give up on it.

But holy shit. God forbid I am overstimulated. Then I am a freak who needs to be put away (what 'they' think)

What really fucking sucks is that we clearly have a reason to exist. Autism (and ADHD!) would've been eradicated by natural selection a long time ago if we were as "slow" and "useless" as society makes us to be. But there are so many of us still existing. Why? I think we were meant to be advantages in prehistoric societies. That's a whole nother thing I read somewhere else, but the research makes sense. It's just a neurological difference, it's not meant to be a disorder.

Autism now is obviously not an advantage in today's society. It is a debilitating thing to live with for almost everyone who has it because society treats us like useless pieces of shit. We're often excluded in social circles which leads us to develop mental issues and it quite literally ruins our life. To think that maybe if society treated us nicely, the suicide and unemployment rates for autistic people wouldn't be so high and we would just be a normal part of society. Not treated like a case. Maybe we wouldn't have to work 10x harder to function in society because we literally have to consciously communicate with people. I don't think neurotypicals realize that aspect of our lives.