...I just don't see any reasonable endpoint to my suffering anymore, and that at least if I take my life, there's no further suffering and despair in not existing anymore. And there's none of the heartbreak of wishing your suffering would end WITHOUT your life having to and being reminded again and again that, no, death is most likely the only guaranteed way to never suffer like I've been for so long again.
Do I wish I'd been allowed to just live my life, to have a quiet and happy life with those I've now lost that I cared about. But, in late 2024 something happened to me that decimated every friendship I had but a precious few and, back then, I made a few attempts too. I kept living on, believing that maybe things would be better one day. It had been harassment mobbing online that had flooded into my irl, my real life was also shattered because all of my friendships had imploded overnight.
Whether online or in real life, there's no point in making friends that will just end up abandoning me and reminding me of how hopeless being alive is.
Do I wish I'd been allowed to just live my life, to have a quiet and happy life with those I've now lost that I cared about. But, in late 2024 something happened to me that decimated every friendship I had but a precious few and, back then, I made a few attempts too. I kept living on, believing that maybe things would be better one day. It had been harassment mobbing online that had flooded into my irl, my real life was also shattered because all of my friendships had imploded overnight.
Whether online or in real life, there's no point in making friends that will just end up abandoning me and reminding me of how hopeless being alive is.
