Venting Are you genuienly trying to get better or is everything you do just to eventually commit ctb???

[hihi2027]

For me, ctb is non-neogotiable. As soon as I achieve my goals, which aren't that big or important, I will end it. That's literally the only thing that is sort of making me postpone my eventual ctb. Because despite it all, I have a useless passion for art that I hope I will be able to share with you all the day before I ctb. Until then, I have to move in ways that society deem as 'healthy' and placate those around me into thinking I'm trying to do something in my life when all I'm doing is just faffing about until its time. It's pretty pathetic that my reasons I havent died yet are selfish ones, instead of something 'important' like family or friends or just life in general. I really dont give a f### about any of those things. The first is a strong reason why I want to commit ctb, so family can't help for s###. My friends are irrelevant and I dont have any at this point. And life is just s###. All I have is my useless hobbies that no one will give a crap about when I'm gone. I wonder if you guys can relate. To living temorarily just to get in a situation where you can ctb comfortably I mean?

 

[pthnrdnojvsc]

my only goal is my suicide

if I had a 99.9% method and plan i would do it today

but they made all guaranteed methods into crimes

 

[hihi2027]

my only goal is my suicide

if I had a 99.9% method and plan i would do it today

but they made all guaranteed methods into crimes

When I was 12, I thought that by 18, that would be my last day. Then years went by and I'm well past that age now. Multiple suicide attempt later, ended up on this site. Still want to die, just like you. But I still want to leave something behind. Why is this? No idea, maybe despite it all I don't just want to be completely forgotten, only remembered by pain like this. I'm sorry that you are going through a rough time. I have no idea what your situation is, so what im saying may be irrelevant or not. I dont know, but Maybe you can find something to hold onto? Even temporarily?

 

[RinneOfAragon]

I'm a complete mess and I'm scared because I desperately want to ctb and for it to be successful. I can't get better, it's completely over for me. my situation is very bleak. I am hoping I can obtain sn somehow. its mentally hard work. I'm so tired. I wish this was simple. I'm hoping and praying I can find a reliable source. my only other option is jumping but that's been hard for me to accomplish in the past. I just need it to be over ASAP. obviously I'm alot older than others here and I do encourage people to exhaust every option before ctb. it's just a shame governments have made it so hard. almost impossible.

 

[hihi2027]

I'm a complete mess and I'm scared because I desperately want to ctb and for it to be successful. I can't get better, it's completely over for me. my situation is very bleak. I am hoping I can obtain sn somehow. its mentally hard work. I'm so tired. I wish this was simple. I'm hoping and praying I can find a reliable source. my only other option is jumping but that's been hard for me to accomplish in the past. I just need it to be over ASAP. obviously I'm alot older than others here and I do encourage people to exhaust every option before ctb. it's just a shame governments have made it so hard. almost impossible.

Honestly jumping seems really scary to me. I cant imagine taking the final leap against insane SI. Plus youd have to make sure you land head first and dont mess up at the last minute since you cant control yourself mid air. Not a way id choose to go but then i guess some people dont have a choice. I hope you can find a successful method and find peace. If not, I hope that one day your life does improve so you dont have to use websites like this anymore

 

[dragonofenvy]

My entire life philosophy is around suicide, and yet I'm too cowardly to actually go through with it. I'm in mental health treatment, and I'm seeing a great psychologist for it, but I honestly just think I'm going through the motions, or I think that somehow things will magically change. Maybe I'm just trying to seek validation and trying to get someone to say "yeah you should kill yourself!" I am putting in effort, and I have seen results from it, but the sense of accomplishment is fleeting. They say that my feelings are temporary, but it sure seems like it's only the good ones that are fleeting while the suffering is eternal.

Nobody gave a shit about me until I wanted to die. I was cast out of society, desperately needed help, and nobody was ever there. Yet suddenly when I want to die my life is valuable. Yeah, sure. My life is valuable only when I want it to end. If my life is so valuable I'm sure they'd be happy to trade lives with me.

 

[Penelope12]

Everyone I know Is fulfilled, It Is so bleak. I made the wrong choices and now it's too late. The only thing left for me to do Is commit suicide.

 

[hihi2027]

They say that my feelings are temporary, but it sure seems like it's only the good ones that are fleeting while the suffering is eternal.

After years of a head filled with thoughts of ctb, yeah I agree. I guess its easy for those who dont understand to say "well its just temporary", but is it really when that becomes the essence of who you are? At least for me, ctb is pretty much my person. It is what makes up my soul and mindset, my actions, goals, thoughts, etc. I wont say that you should kill yourself but it sounds like you've at least tried. There should be no guilt if you do decide to find a peaceful solution. And thanks for replying.

 

[itsgone2]

Everyone I know Is fulfilled, It Is so bleak. I made the wrong choices and now it's too late. The only thing left for me to do Is commit suicide.

Yes, it's so awful looking back and realizing everyone around you were making proper choices. Did they realize how blind we were? It's embarrassing.
Yes it's too late now. Life just seems stupid anyway

 

[death over slavery]

Tried getting better, the time is yet to come. So, I stopped chasing it.

"Better" is a matter of perspective for me anyway; ergo, I decided to view my present life as already "the best" and stopped thinking on what I could have done to make my "best" life better. I'm already asking too much. And people perceive something better based on norms, like graduating college, having a better job, housing and family — all of which do not interest me anymore, because I tried chasing it and fell as a result.

When my perspective shifts to "I've already achieved the best in life," all that remains is the thought of the time of my passing, which would normally be unpredictable. To avoid waiting for an unpredictable fate, it's better for me to set a CTB goal, so then I can be motivated to do the things I want before the "dead" line.

All roads lead to an end.

 

[Salkak]

I get you. I am also just living till I save enough to have a comfortable ctb. I do have a few desires but they are not enough to make me want to stay here. I have always know it was gonna end for me in ctb and I have made peace with that choice. Now to goal is to collect enough money for a peaceful ctb. That's all

 

[blacksand]

big shift in the past year from being half in half out of the suicide camp to now fully accepting it.

At least for me, ctb is pretty much my person. It is what makes up my soul and mindset

yes I feel this strongly. It feels cosmically fated and correct for me.

 

[Salkak]

big shift in the past year from being half in half out of the suicide camp to now fully accepting it.

How does it feel to fully accept it?

 

[Forever Sleep]

Psychologically, I'm not intending to do things to recover although, I feel obligated to stay here till my Dad goes first and I feel obligated to financially support myself. So- that requires functioning at some level. I'm also letting what I can slip though.

So, it's this weird limbo while I wait to be able to die. Even what I feel obliged to do requires so much effort though. Everyday is filled with work and chores- which in turn, makes me feel so resentful towards my parents for inflicting this on me. Yet- ironically, it's my Dad I'm holding on for.

It all feels so frustrating. But, I do very much identify with the limbo state you describe. It's like I'm here in body but my mind and spirit have already checked out.

 

[benzodiazepines]

i tried getting better multiple times and as much im craving ctb i still wanna heal and become the healthy version of myself..
even tho i know at this point i have done irreversible damage to my body and brain theres still this thought in the back of my mind about how my life wouldve played out if my trauma didnt fuck me over this bad..

i have no hope that it will get better so im just waiting for the perfect moment to ctb, only thing i know is that when im ready im gonna know it, like i will feel it in my bones…

at this point in my life everybody thinks im doing my best to get better but little do they know im just waiting for my opportunity to finally rest eternally… i have the courage but i dont have a steady method yet… im so excited for the day i can finally close my eyes and never open them again.

 

[blacksand]

How does it feel to fully accept it?

it feels like a deep cosmic sense of peace.

 

[iguazo falls]

im not actively trying to get better i'm kind of just surviving and trying not to make it worse. i'm suicidal almost daily but i'd prefer to wake up more often than not just not feeling suicidal opposed to having go through the effort of ctb (just to be shat on after my death and probably posted to WPD or some shit). i think one day i will have just had enough and go, i give up putting timestamps on it.

 

[Salkak]

it feels like a deep cosmic sense of peace.

I am trying to accept it too. Getting closer to it.

 

[dirkw83]

I'm trying REAL hard to beat my olanzapine withdrawal it's been hell I barely sleep. I'm doing everything I can not to have to CTB but I have no idea where this is gonna lead. So yeah my story is different from most others here in that I actually WANT to live. But I'm grateful to have a way out in case I can't beat this.