Approaching the Event Horizon

[Octo]

After discovering this forum a week ago, I learned about SN, found a supplier, ordered some, and had it arrive. It's sitting on my desk as I type this.

I'm finally in the home stretch. It feels weird, being this close to throwing everything I've ever worked for away. Yet, this is the first thing I've felt excited for in months.

I've danced with suicidal ideation for most of my life, and have gotten close to killing myself several times; but I could never make the jump, metaphorically or literally. The fear of failure, living with injuries or other harm from attempts, has stopped me. The fear no longer existing would always give me pause.

I've never had a plan this concrete before. Ordering a chemical online, writing farewell notes for friends, writing a discord bot to deliver said notes... I think it might actually happen this time. I'm still scared, but at least some risks are minimized with SN.

Tbh, I don't know why I'm writing here. I've never engaged with an online community or forum like this before. Maybe it's just so I can talk about catching the bus—lord knows I can't talk to my friends about it.

It's surreal. I've thought about this for so long, and it seems as though my time is finally here.

I definitely a few days left. But the days that remain approach single digits; if they're not there already.

 

[claracatchingthebus]

Do you have emetics and benzos and all of that? I don't know you but feel like I know you. You see so nice from the little I know. I'm sorry you are here and that things have been so hard.

Event horizons and French. You must be smart.

 

[Octo]

Thanks for the kind words~

I have benzos (prescribed back in march to deal with a medication I was trying at the time), but I don't have anit-emetics. I've heard you can get them from online pharmacies without a prescription. I don't think I could swing getting them from my regular doctor for reasons™. I've thought about just trying to catch the bus without them? Probably not the best idea though

Event horizons and French. You must be smart.

Don't conflate fancy words for intelligence; I was just feeling poetic and the french is from a game lol. For all you know, I could be as dumb as a bag of rocks hahaha

 

[Pale_Rider]

Event horizon is the edge of a black hole. Very apt. Great movie too.