plans, so far

[100memoryleaks]

currently a work in progress.

things i've done already:

• note to (ex?) boyfriend is already written.
• ordered rope from amazon, waiting for it to arrive on saturday. i ordered something else too that's coming on the same day so hopefully they come in the same package, at a good time.

what's left to do:

• wait until after mom's birthday this weekend.
• depending on my work schedule next week ask people to cover shifts, or maybe just say nothing tbh.
• buy a pack of radler from the supermarket. gonna take one can for the big day. maybe a slice of red velvet cake too...
• withdraw money from any and all online accounts and into my bank account. not sure what can be done with my bank account, but hopefully my family can figure it out.
• write a brief note for my family, explaining there was nothing they could do to help and thank you for giving me a good life while it lasted, but unfortunately i've made some severe mistakes.
• send the prepared note and a photo of the rope to my boyfriend the day before.

the method itself is partial hanging, and i'm gonna leave the house at 3-4am ish to go into the woods that are on the way to the lake. gonna go as deep as possible to avoid being found for a while. although ironically, i want to put on some nice, cute clothes, in case i am found shortly after i ctb. at least i died beautiful... although i don't think i've ever been able to truly consider myself beautiful.

gonna listen to some music on the walk there. maybe some happy disco music.

 

[100memoryleaks]

update:

i sent him one final message with some plans to repair our trust if we start talking again. i really, really want this to work. gonna give it until next tuesday to see what happens. (7/14).

if there's really no other chance for us, then 7/15 will be my ctb day. i plan to practice a couple times once the rope arrives. i haven't been able to find the carotids using my hands, but i might just not have the strength to apply enough pressure using only my hands.

i guess he knows how special he was to me already, i've told him many times. i said before that without him i might just live an empty existence with no goals and motivation. i'm living it already and i don't want to anymore.

sometimes you try your best and it still doesn't work out, because you can't undo the past.
oh well...

 

[nettspend]

So you're ending it over your (ex?) boyfriend? What happened?

 

[100memoryleaks]

So you're ending it over your (ex?) boyfriend? What happened?

more explanation here: https://sanctioned-suicide.net/threads/it-was-getting-better-and-now-its-gone.249611/#post-3528084

basically, i wanted to spy on him because i was insecure and jealous af, i found someone online who could help me and i gave away his personal information to that person, i ended up not just getting blackmailed but the person apparently sent my bf all our conversations. bf kept it secret for a year, then told me he knew about it and blocked me everywhere and said to not contact him or anyone close to him because he doesn't trust me enough anymore.