i was depressed and pessimistic about life before, even having decided a couple of years ago that sometime in this lifetime i know i will die by my own hands, but the heartbreak caused by the person i felt was the love of my life is what now pushed me to decide i have to ctb asap.
its been 7 months and it has only gotten worse and worse as i had to unpack years of trauma by myself after being pushed out of a 4 year toxic relationship. she completely ruined me and is now living happily in open relationships, having new friends, new hobbies, partying every week, while i completely lost myself. i barely leave the house, i barely eat or sleep, i lost my job, my interests, i find no joy in anything anymore and ive been crying or having breakdowns almost daily since may. she was the only spark in my bleak existence.
i have no energy left and i think i would normally have survived this heartbreak if it didnt actually just made me understand that people, no matter how much love and trust you put in them, can always destroy you. this separation shattered me emotionally and ive been able to feel more and more empathy for anyone and anything that suffers in this world, especially the more innocent ones. ive been a vegan and an antinatalist for years, considering humanity is a mistake and a plague, but now im affected by this more profoundly. in other words, this heartbreak only brought me closer to seeing that we get to be alive in a wicked universe that feeds itself on suffering and if any god even exists, he must be a sadistic fuck just watching us endlessly butcher eachother (and especially animals) emotionally and physically.
thank you, my dearest. you helped me understand that i do not belong in such a miserable place.
