Anyone else finds difficulties for workirng and/or studying while having ctb thoughts?

[TimeToBiteTheDust]

I always ask myself: why I get up early for work if I am going to kill myself? Why am I studying a career if I'm going to ctb in the end? What is the point of making an effort you know is worthless? It's too difficult. I spent to many years at university too many nights studying to throw my life away and I didn't get my degree yet and I'm too far from get it. It all seems pointless. I want to die right now. I don't tolerate frustration. I prefer to be lying on my bed looking at the ceiling and get the courage to do it. I had the chance to ctb at the beginning of this year but I missed. And did my life change? Nope. Everything is just the same. Suicidal thoughts will never leave. They are there. They are stronger if I am alone. And that's when I have the courage to kill myself. But I can't now due to isolation and will be a long time to have another chance. I don't enjoy life anymore is like I am living just to wait for my time to die. And that is not life. Life is supposed to be enjoyed. Well, there's no enjoyment anymore for me. Everything changed and I won't improve with these actual conditions. I read many news of young adults like me that die naturally (cardiac arrest for example). I don't know if they felt suicidal or not but I wish I could switch places. Im tired of waking up and see how f7cked up I am. In the end we all die anyway. Dust

 

[Donk]

i cant even work.

 

[Kumachan]

You said your life hasnt changed. But what needs to change to make your life worth living?

 

[Darkhaven]

I totally relate.
Been taking a law degree for almost 4 years now. This is supposed to be the last one but i already know that i will have to return there next year to repeat some subjects that i missed last semester and probably will fail some this one too because of the corona virus thing.
In addition to my OCD i, too, struggle with the same thoughts you mentioned: why keep fighting an already lost battle? why playing the violin when the ship is sinking? It all makes studying even more difficult for me. Sometimes i think, as an act of self respect or self care, that i'm like playing a videogame on the "Hardcore" difficulty setting, while the other normal/mentally healthy students are doing in in a regular difficulty setting.
In my case it is even worse because, not only do i know that i will end up killing myself thus throwing away all these years of hard work and countless mornings/afternoons/nights i could have been doing something enjoyable rather than sitted on a desk with that infernal lamp pointed to my head and to the books i was reading, making me all sweaty in the summer, but also because i know that, even if i stay alive, my degree will be useless for someone with crippling anxiety, chronical depression, 0 working experience and absolutely non existent social skills to settle down on a job and actually work with other people.
So, in my case, it's a double fucked up scenario.
The money my father is pumping into my education is all going to waste but that is the least of my concerns.
So yeah i totally get what you mean, it's a fucked up situation to be in.

 

[Busdriver]

Well-written. I can relate to this a lot. There is no goal in life anymore if you are sure and ready to CTB.
Everything in life becomes pointless and a liability and becomes even more depressing and the desire to CTB rises to a level it gives pressure.
You feel rushed to CTB asap and each day you feel more aggravated for being alive.

 

[whereispeace]

I'm functioning at an extremely low level right now, and don't see how I'm going to recover. CTB seems like the only way out.

 

[TimeToBiteTheDust]

I'm functioning at an extremely low level right now, and don't see how I'm going to recover. CTB seems like the only way out.

Same. I was very disciplined. I did every task as perfect as possible. Now it's like I don't give a fuck. It's incredible how I changed. It surprises me sometimes. I can't believe it.

 

[muffin222]

Yes. It creates a constant low level inner-conflict within me

 

[TAW122]

I do, it does lower my productivity as it distracts me from doing productive things and slows me down when I'm trying to get things done. I too, questioned why work so hard, why succeed only to live a bland and shitty life?

 

[HorribleFeelings1]

I always ask myself: why I get up early for work if I am going to kill myself? Why am I studying a career if I'm going to ctb in the end? What is the point of making an effort you know is worthless? It's too difficult. I spent to many years at university too many nights studying to throw my life away and I didn't get my degree yet and I'm too far from get it. It all seems pointless. I want to die right now. I don't tolerate frustration. I prefer to be lying on my bed looking at the ceiling and get the courage to do it. I had the chance to ctb at the beginning of this year but I missed. And did my life change? Nope. Everything is just the same. Suicidal thoughts will never leave. They are there. They are stronger if I am alone. And that's when I have the courage to kill myself. But I can't now due to isolation and will be a long time to have another chance. I don't enjoy life anymore is like I am living just to wait for my time to die. And that is not life. Life is supposed to be enjoyed. Well, there's no enjoyment anymore for me. Everything changed and I won't improve with these actual conditions. I read many news of young adults like me that die naturally (cardiac arrest for example). I don't know if they felt suicidal or not but I wish I could switch places. Im tired of waking up and see how f7cked up I am. In the end we all die anyway. Dust

It fucking sucks dude, my grades are F's just because I can't fucking focus since all I think about is my pain and depression. I'm 18 who's still a senior but I was to CTB before I graduate, and I don't even think I will

 

[LMLN]

I just lost a very high paying job that I worked all my life to get. But I just cannot focus, I just cannot focus anymore. All I can do is just try to survive each day, but that is getting too hard too.

 

[BabyYoda]

Definitely yes, that's why it was more than a blessing for me that my school gave us a passing grade in all of our classes due to the extended lockdown. But I still have my suicidal thoughts and I have difficulty concentrating on things other than studying/work. Like I don't know if I will even reach past 30. My main plan (that hasn't been cancelled lololol) where I go to Japan after I graduate and CTB if the pain is still there and nothing works anymore to numb the pain from not having a best friend/partner. Seems like I'm only finishing my degree just to get a job in another country.

And there's no guarantee that I'll be able to go to Japan. What if this lockdown goes on and on and on for years? What if there's another virus that will spread worse than COVID? In that case, I might have to revise my plans and schedule my CTB another time. Life is just a waste of time if I'm in pain.

 

[InTheAirTonight]

Yes I discreetly browse about topics related to ctb at work

 

[faust]

I can relate. Failed college once. Then moved and now failing the repeat year. Not because I lack knowledge or something else, but because my mental illness may create additional barriers which I cannot overcome. It is like one day can be okay and the other 4 I am living somewhere in the other dimension. Sometimes it is very hard to concentrate, sometimes I am too depressed to understand the topic. I cannot be fueled with caffeine all the time and even if I find medicines which will make me keep going, once this deadly cycle will return and everything I have will be ruined.