Anyone else feel like they are deceiving themselves?

[JustSwingingTheD]

About two weeks ago i told myself i would CTB after going to a surgical operation meant to improve my looks, if it wouldn't succeed. Today i told myself i would CTB if my skin condition wouldn't get better with my new meds. I was serious at both times. It took me a while to remember what i was processing just two weeks ago.

I keep drawing these lines and then crossing them constantly. Neither of these things wouldn't even potentially mean all that much to me. Just something to look forward to.

The truth is that the thought of killing myself, inevitable as it is, makes me feel kinda bad. I like to feel good. I've lied myself for so long that it has become a habit. I wish i could stop, I'm seriously trying to.

 

[Sanva]

i don't know if this is the same thing you're talking about but I'm constantly like "if this issue doesn't get better i will ctb" and even if it does get better I just find another problem to latch onto and it always goes on like that. most of the time i'm unaware that I'm doing it. feels like part of me just desperately wants to find a reason to die.

my health issues now are pretty unbearable and haven't gotten better in a while so I feel justified in wanting to ctb now, but I can never tell if it's just my mind playing tricks on me. sorry if this is not what you were originally talking about, i have a talent for misunderstanding things and going off on tangents.