Discussion Does anyone else isolate themselves?

[Leonard_Bangley39]

My whole life almost every social interaction ive had ended in failire or disaster. joking around with friends or acquaintances and later on learning that they thought i was annoying or rude and not liking me. talking with someone and offending them with sonething i said when i never even realized that what i said would be offensive. i feel part of it could be due to being born autistic but i dont like to apply that label to me too much or try to use it as aome kind of scapegoat and excuse for my actions and behavior.

its gotten to the point where every single interaction i have with anyone, be it irl or online, feels like defusing a bomb. constantly walking on eggshells, overthinking every single word i say, carefully choosing the tone i say it in, worried that somehow, what i say could cause everything to blow up in my face and fall apart. conversations with people never feel enjoyable, just a burden. just waiting for it to be over so i can go back to being by myself, not wanting to be rude and tell the person that i dont want to talk. i feel like an outsider everywhere.

i have no irl friends, i dont even know how i would find them. i hate the idea of walking up to people and starting a conversation. if it were me, i would just want to finish whatever 8m doing and go about my day and i apply that feeling to everyone i see so i just assume that if i tried to conversate, i would just annoy them. and even when i do try to have conversations with people, it always just feels awkward and sloppy. stuttering, jumbling my words and thoughts, only half hearing people at times, giving weird responses. it just makes me want to get out of the conversation even more so i can seclude myself in my own mind and enjoy peace in solitude.

and it feels impossible to try and join already established groups because i always feel like a 3rd party among everyone. whenever i join a small discord server, i can barely join in on any conversation going on because its eother about stuff i dont know or cant really give input on, or because everyone there already has established friends and i just feel like a background character. just floating around.

so ill just isolate myself sometimes. not opening discord for days, putting in my earbuds and avoiding any and all conversations at work, just saying the bare minimum required to get things across. ill lay in bed on my phone or sit at my desk on my laptop. existing in my mind alone, rather than in reality. every single interaction is an opportunity for things to go wrong.

A winter's day
In a deep and dark December

I am alone
Gazing from my window to the streets below
On a freshly fallen silent shroud of snow
I am a rock I am an island

I've built walls
A fortress deep and mighty
That none may penetrate
I have no need of friendship, friendship causes pain
It's laughter and it's loving I disdain
I am a rock I am an island

Don't talk of love
Well I've heard the word before
It's sleeping in my memory
I won't disturb the slumber of feelings that have died
If I never loved I never would have cried
I am a rock I am an island

I have my books
And my poetry to protect me
I am shielded in my armor
Hiding in my room safe within my womb
I touch no one and no one touches me
I am a rock I am an island

And a rock feels no pain
And an island never cries
I am a rock - Simon and Garfunkel

 

[BlueMist96]

I also isolate. I crave social interaction, but when I get it I panic and don't know what to do or say. I overthink everything and judge myself harshly. It just ends up being exhausting.

 

[silent wraith]

My whole life almost every social interaction ive had ended in failire or disaster. joking around with friends or acquaintances and later on learning that they thought i was annoying or rude and not liking me. talking with someone and offending them with sonething i said when i never even realized that what i said would be offensive. i feel part of it could be due to being born autistic but i dont like to apply that label to me too much or try to use it as aome kind of scapegoat and excuse for my actions and behavior.

its gotten to the point where every single interaction i have with anyone, be it irl or online, feels like defusing a bomb. constantly walking on eggshells, overthinking every single word i say, carefully choosing the tone i say it in, worried that somehow, what i say could cause everything to blow up in my face and fall apart. conversations with people never feel enjoyable, just a burden. just waiting for it to be over so i can go back to being by myself, not wanting to be rude and tell the person that i dont want to talk. i feel like an outsider everywhere.

i have no irl friends, i dont even know how i would find them. i hate the idea of walking up to people and starting a conversation. if it were me, i would just want to finish whatever 8m doing and go about my day and i apply that feeling to everyone i see so i just assume that if i tried to conversate, i would just annoy them. and even when i do try to have conversations with people, it always just feels awkward and sloppy. stuttering, jumbling my words and thoughts, only half hearing people at times, giving weird responses. it just makes me want to get out of the conversation even more so i can seclude myself in my own mind and enjoy peace in solitude.

and it feels impossible to try and join already established groups because i always feel like a 3rd party among everyone. whenever i join a small discord server, i can barely join in on any conversation going on because its eother about stuff i dont know or cant really give input on, or because everyone there already has established friends and i just feel like a background character. just floating around.

so ill just isolate myself sometimes. not opening discord for days, putting in my earbuds and avoiding any and all conversations at work, just saying the bare minimum required to get things across. ill lay in bed on my phone or sit at my desk on my laptop. existing in my mind alone, rather than in reality. every single interaction is an opportunity for things to go wrong.

A winter's day
In a deep and dark December

I am alone
Gazing from my window to the streets below
On a freshly fallen silent shroud of snow
I am a rock I am an island

I've built walls
A fortress deep and mighty
That none may penetrate
I have no need of friendship, friendship causes pain
It's laughter and it's loving I disdain
I am a rock I am an island

Don't talk of love
Well I've heard the word before
It's sleeping in my memory
I won't disturb the slumber of feelings that have died
If I never loved I never would have cried
I am a rock I am an island

I have my books
And my poetry to protect me
I am shielded in my armor
Hiding in my room safe within my womb
I touch no one and no one touches me
I am a rock I am an island

And a rock feels no pain
And an island never cries
I am a rock - Simon and Garfunkel

I don't know if it counts as isolation but unlike others I don't hang out with friends much and they understand - those that didn't left. I isolate for months at times before I finally accept to meet someone , it might be to protect myself from exhaust , but if I do go out...Lately I have found comfortable solitude in going to the park alone , patting some animals - that's where I truly feel like I am myself and for a minute I stop blaming myself for everything for being so weak

 

[Macedonian1987]

In the last 3 years i also totally isolated myself from anyone. The reason for this is Im just too tired of being ridiculed and shamed because of my asperger's.