Venting Anyone else feel like preparing to CTB is driving them crazy?

[greyhound]

I am relatively mentally healthy. Garden variety depression and anxiety. My reason for CTB is chronic illness.

However I feel like I am going crazy as impending CTB approaches. I think it's a mixture of:

- Feeling like a failure in life, people who don't know I was ill will be like yup, they were a fuckup.
- Feeling like I'm abandoning my parents, brothers, sisters and other loved ones.
- Fear of dying process / SI
- FOMO. I will never get to ski, bike, travel etc again.
- Fear of afterlife / cessation of consciousness. Despite my personal beliefs there is always an element of uncertainty. At the very least it will be a radical transformation to different state of existence.
- Trying to hang on for a bit longer to finish up stuff in my life, despite physical misery.
- Trying to convince people who I have told and having them fight/resist my rationale.
- Not telling other friends who I know will never accept it and try to save me. Feel like I'm betraying them in some way.

The choice element of CTB makes everything so much harder. If I was terminally ill I'd have to confront some of these things but I wouldn't have any other option. I feel like this is the hardest, most agonizing way to die.

 

[Zinz]

- Feeling like a failure in life, people who don't know I was ill will be like yup, they were a fuckup.

I think about this too. I wonder what people will think...
Maybe the people who know my mental health history who deny it will finally accept its a real thing.
And maybe the people who don't know will blame people I don't want blamed. Guess we'll never know.

 

[FuneralCry]

Yeah, I get what you mean. There is so much stigma towards suicide as those who haven't suffered themselves do not understand, and people cannot really talk about it openly as others wont accept it. The main thing for me would be the fact that I would have to do it myself, as it can easily go wrong and requires courage. I think it requires a certain level of desperation to actually go through with a suicide. It really is hard to deal with and I wish you the best.

 

[nopointofliving]

I'm in the same situation