Discussion Any positive changes knowing you will ctb at some point soon?

[TheSoundofTime]

I have noticed my mood changes when I think that eventually It will all come to an end. It seems like there stress at work doesn't matter anymore, I can smoke and drink regardless of health malfunction in the future, say to people what I mean without being afraid to lose them, anxiety about the future seems pointless, pension plans (wtf is that for haha) etc. It is kind of ultimate freedom which is even greater if you have the DATE. I don't - still, but an observation regarding the end of most of us.
Have you noticed any behavioural changes in your life for those who are seriously planning of ending their life sooner or later? Have you gotten to the point, which is kind of ironic - knowing you will die - become a reason to like life (in some ways).

 

[BPD Barbie]

I ran up tens of thousands of pounds of debt, bought whatever I wanted, gained weight through eating whatever I wanted etc. All with the mindset that I won't be here much longer. Felt great at the time but I've been here longer than intended and paying for my actions now.

 

[TheSoundofTime]

I ran up tens of thousands of pounds of debt, bought whatever I wanted, gained weight through eating whatever I wanted etc. All with the mindset that I won't be here much longer. Felt great at the time but I've been here longer than intended and paying for my actions now.

From you profile text I suppose you are struggling with emotions and long term decisions and commitments. I appologize if I am wrong, but I don't think you were thinking of ctb just deep down wanted to live better life...

 

[BPD Barbie]

From you profile text I suppose you are struggling with emotions and long term decisions and commitments. I appologize if I am wrong, but I don't think you were thinking of ctb just deep down wanted to live better life...

Completely wrong. Have had several suicide attempts since I was 14. I completely and honestly want to die. There is no question about it.

 

[heraclitus]

I ran up tens of thousands of pounds of debt, bought whatever I wanted, gained weight through eating whatever I wanted etc. All with the mindset that I won't be here much longer. Felt great at the time but I've been here longer than intended and paying for my actions now.

Your actions make sense to me - a hedonistic "f**k you" to a world which takes so much and gives so little. You have a surreal and wild bravery.

I found every unsuccessful attempt made me nervous about the next, gave me one less possibility. However, it has given me clarity and determination. I am getting my affairs in order to support those left behind and getting fit to be sufficiently physically and emotionally strong to succeed.

With nothing to live for, preparing for ctb gives me (paradoxically) a reason to keep going. Until I don't have to.