Venting anxiousness before I try to ctb :(

[sivvie]

I've posted quite a few threads on here, I'm sorry. I just can't find anywhere else to talk about things like this. If you've seen my other threads, you know I've already received and tested my SN.

I think my biggest fear is failing again at ending my misery, or being found too early and being put through MORE misery. I just can't stand being alive anymore. l want it all to end. But all it would take is me making too much noise as I'm dying and/or my family getting a hunch and calling emergency services.

I have nowhere else to go, I can't afford going to a hotel or something, and I'm monitored and sheltered by my family 24/7 anyway. They'd notice almost immediately if I wasn't at home. My only choices are the shared bathroom I have with my 3 siblings, the balcony, or our storage room that has glass windows* opening into the kitchen. I could try to go downstairs and do it in the open but there are high chances I'd be found.

I'm so terrified. I just want it to work, I don't want to be saved or found. I don't want to wait because we JUST moved into this house and my future attempts are going to be in the same environment. I have no other choice, but it has to work. Please, I just want this all to end. I don't want to wake up again.

 

[wanttogetonthebus]

I know you may not want to hear this, but I think it's highly likely you'll be found again if you attempt to CTB anywhere in your house, especially since your family knows about your previous attempts. I think your best bet is to leave the house and hide somewhere and CTB with a reliable method where you're more likely to not be found in time. There is also a little known chemical called sodium azide that has no antidote. It requires research to handle it correctly, but if you take a lethal dose, you will 100% die even if you're found because they won't be able to keep you alive. It's not as peaceful as N or SN though. Check out the official method research compilation to research more about methods and how to correctly implement them -> https://sanctioned-suicide.net/threads/suicide-resource-compilation.3/ . It's important to know what you're doing to avoid unintended consequences. Hoping you find peace, whether that be in life or death.

 

[diinasours]

i dont think its possible for you to ctb when youre in your home. like wanttogetonthebus said, you would need to go somewhere else. maybe theres a forest area or a trail that is somewhat private that you can go to?

 

[FuneralCry]

Other people should have no right to interfere with our personal decisions, it is our life and our decision and it is nothing to do with anybody else. We should be able to die in peace if that is our choice, it is frustrating how the society tries to force us to live.
I'm sorry you have to deal with so much anxiety. I understand it is hard to carry on when you are suffering so much. I hope you find the peace you are looking for.