Venting Am i doomed?

[Rhaiyne]

Well... I though I was just about getting all my ducks in a row... then realised... I don't actually have any ducks... and if I did, why would I want to put them in a row anyway...). Okay... where was I... right... I have had suicidal thoughts for a while... they don't seem to just vanish... merely the intensity of them differs.
I have made a serious attempt in the past and one not so brilliantly, well thought out (ducks in a row....ooohhhh... thats why they need to be in a row...hhmmm *makes note*) manoeuvre. However, I am constantly plagued by thoughts.
I have been in therapy for a couple of months and I do have to say... my therapist is good... actually listens, actually uses the word suicide... who would have thought? Anyway...its become a bit clear that i have some unfinished family situations from my... "once upon time" days. Anyway, she suggested I try write a letter to the person- not for them to actually have the letter but more as an exercise for me. Anyway, like a diligent Client... I tried doing this. Funny thing is... what transpired were rumblings... not of hunger... but of anger... anger I thought had been *dealt with*... buried deep. So I stopped writing. However, on reflection it has made me realise (and perhaps I'm an extremely late bloomer... or blooper, whichever takes your fancy within this context) that I didn't want to feel that anger or any of the emotions that came with that time in my life and the times after it due to that, if you know what I mean. I don't want to feel all the negativity that has been passed into me by my everlasting father (ummm.. no I don't have daddy issues...!! Hahaha). I realised I don't want to feel that as it is residual him really and I thought I was living a life to NOT be anything like him, yet here I am... still having emotions that he had. Really shitty ones! When i go, I want to go because that's what I choose. I want to go without the baggage passed down to me. I want to go feeling light... not weighed down by anything except only those choices I have made in my adulthood that I knew were wrong. And here's the thing... he's died now and I'm terrified that there may actually be a hell and I end up back in the same place as him! Hahahaha... so, with all this I mind... how do I overcome my excuses... stop rationalising...that I must be decent as I can't possibly be like him.... perhaos I am all the things he has always told me I am... which truth do I know the be truth... his truth... my truth... both truths to individuals... yet one is wrong...
When my thoughts and feelings align... then I will know its time.

How do I get them aligned? Does it actually matter if if ctb and they areinto aligned?

 

[Remember-Me-Not]

I feel you. Have you heard of "Intergenerational trauma"? It's the term meaning that trauma (or abuse, hurt) is passed down from one generation to the next.

Like example, in the movie there is a bully harassing other kids. We later find out that his parents are horrible to him, so he in turn acts horrible to others.

(But of course this character will mature and grow. They get their redemption arc.)

But I wanted to say not to be hard on yourself. I know you're struggling with something that is more complex than anyone can ever imagine (don't we all?). Life gave you an unfair hand of cards. And I think your truth is the real truth, not your father's.

 

[Makko]

 

[FuneralCry]

It sounds like you are going through a lot. I'm sorry you are suffering, thoughts and emotions can be painful to deal with, I understand. I wish you well.