Whisper_
Member
- Apr 13, 2026
- 7
I hope this story makes sense, I'm just kind of in the middle of 'it' at the moment.
I was in a Discord friend group for a while and got romantically involved in a non serious relationship with one of them. Was mostly flirting and fooling around online. Story cut short, it didn't end well and I was bullied by the group's leader since he took his side because I'm one of the few females in the group so they were backing their boys even though my "ex" sexually harassed me after I broke it off with him. I was being mature about the "breakup" I muted him and blocked him and the group went on fine like that for some weeks. He decided to tell everyone in the group about our breakup and of course when people hear the first story you're cooked, also if the group is male dominated like this one any sexual abuse is overlooked for the sake of "harmony." Some months go by and I'm in a group chat with a couple of them that I was closer to who were upset that I was gone and missed me, but they still remain within that larger group. Everything is cool and we are gaming for months as a trio. Suddenly today I am invited back into that larger group by one of the friends in my trio. That friend is considered one of the lower tier group members of the larger group that everyone picks on "jokingly" so I was surprised he was 'allowed' to send me an invite. I go back into the larger group for a few minutes. My female friend of the trio greets me with a glad you're here message when you click "wave hi" on Discord. I notice some of the members come online, including the leader (my female trio friend's husband btw) and my "ex" along with his real life friend since school years. Then I get a message from the invitee in my trio saying " Hey you are gonna have to leave that server i dont think you are allowed there". I leave the server quietly. He says thanks and apologizes. I tell him yw it's cool.
I log off and cry for an hour. The voices in my head tell me I'm worthless, I don't have any friends, I am alone, I deserve to be alone, I should die.
Then my thoughts go to suicide. My thoughts go to the gas we use at work to gas raccoons. Just a makeshift box with some gas will do. 10 minutes there, 10 minutes back, 15 minutes to breathe, I could end it all in 35 minutes.
Now, my reasons are not because of this one time instance. This has been my whole life. My whole life fighting it since 10. I am 38 this year. Truth is I am alone. I have no friends. I don't much care for my family. I don't feel anything for anyone and I don't feel anyone feels for me. Can my love for cats really keep me from going to sleep never to wake up again as always is my excuse not to do it? I don't know anymore if they can. I have access to a quick painless way to die. Why do I have to keep waking up every morning to this hell? I could be wealthy, doing lots of activities have lots of friends and love and I would still not want to wake up tomorrow. Why do I have to exist? Why couldn't I have existed in the past, why do I have to exist now, I could be long gone like others before me but no I am here now and I don't want it!
I was in a Discord friend group for a while and got romantically involved in a non serious relationship with one of them. Was mostly flirting and fooling around online. Story cut short, it didn't end well and I was bullied by the group's leader since he took his side because I'm one of the few females in the group so they were backing their boys even though my "ex" sexually harassed me after I broke it off with him. I was being mature about the "breakup" I muted him and blocked him and the group went on fine like that for some weeks. He decided to tell everyone in the group about our breakup and of course when people hear the first story you're cooked, also if the group is male dominated like this one any sexual abuse is overlooked for the sake of "harmony." Some months go by and I'm in a group chat with a couple of them that I was closer to who were upset that I was gone and missed me, but they still remain within that larger group. Everything is cool and we are gaming for months as a trio. Suddenly today I am invited back into that larger group by one of the friends in my trio. That friend is considered one of the lower tier group members of the larger group that everyone picks on "jokingly" so I was surprised he was 'allowed' to send me an invite. I go back into the larger group for a few minutes. My female friend of the trio greets me with a glad you're here message when you click "wave hi" on Discord. I notice some of the members come online, including the leader (my female trio friend's husband btw) and my "ex" along with his real life friend since school years. Then I get a message from the invitee in my trio saying " Hey you are gonna have to leave that server i dont think you are allowed there". I leave the server quietly. He says thanks and apologizes. I tell him yw it's cool.
I log off and cry for an hour. The voices in my head tell me I'm worthless, I don't have any friends, I am alone, I deserve to be alone, I should die.
Then my thoughts go to suicide. My thoughts go to the gas we use at work to gas raccoons. Just a makeshift box with some gas will do. 10 minutes there, 10 minutes back, 15 minutes to breathe, I could end it all in 35 minutes.
Now, my reasons are not because of this one time instance. This has been my whole life. My whole life fighting it since 10. I am 38 this year. Truth is I am alone. I have no friends. I don't much care for my family. I don't feel anything for anyone and I don't feel anyone feels for me. Can my love for cats really keep me from going to sleep never to wake up again as always is my excuse not to do it? I don't know anymore if they can. I have access to a quick painless way to die. Why do I have to keep waking up every morning to this hell? I could be wealthy, doing lots of activities have lots of friends and love and I would still not want to wake up tomorrow. Why do I have to exist? Why couldn't I have existed in the past, why do I have to exist now, I could be long gone like others before me but no I am here now and I don't want it!
