Venting a

[bored]

i just wanted to talk a bit about my frustration, because deep down i already accepted that i'm going to kill myself one day, like dying feels like the only real way out for me. but the problem is that some survival instincts still get in the way. like... my parents did a lot for me, they paid for things like surgery, they tried to help me in so many ways, and that makes me feel stuck. it makes me feel guilty for wanting to die. and then i get trapped, because there's no option that feels good: living feels miserable, but dying isn't simple either.


sometimes things happen that give me a little hope, like maybe something could change. but it always ends badly again. everything goes back to being horrible. so i just feel like i'm stuck in this reality, and there's no real way out.

 

[Avril]

Most depressed people don't want to die, they just want the pain to end.

 

[bored]

It's been years that I've wanted to die, and more years just keep passing by, proving to me over and over again that nothing ever truly gets better. I only get distracted by things like playing games or reading nothing that actually fixes what's keeping me from having a good life, a life that's not miserable. I basically live online. I have social phobia, and the truth is, I don't have any real reasons or motivations to face it. It just feels like a cycle with no way out, no reward, no point. I tried to take a shortcut through online relationships, but the truth is, I'm not a good person. I don't know how to love, and I don't love myself either. And that makes everything else feel impossible too.

I think it got confusing, I just wanted to keep venting.