hate_myself
Member
- Feb 27, 2020
- 14
in my whole life I have never thought of suicide as a first way to solve problems, of course I do simpathyze with everyone who is suffering, I am the same. Yet I dunnot believe I should aproach the idea without any thought whatsoever. I am not a robot, I have my times when I feel like I want to die and emotion overwhelms me, my last few posts are the prove of that.
so I try to approach it from a realist point of view, I don't belive it wont get better, yet I don't belive the oposite as well, after all I don't know the future.
so I just changed my perspective, and came with a plan, it isn't brilliant, but for me is more rational than simply dying. I gave myself a deadline, a judging week and a final confirmation.
from the day I became 20 to now I gave myself 4 years, a tutorial/trial of time.
in those 4 years I will do my outmost, even then I don't garantee that depression, sadness, emptiness and general suicidal thoughts will go away in that time, yet I feel it is a nice slice of time to see if the next years are worth it. After that I will have a week to measure, calmly, no bias, no anything. I will just see if everything I have done, seen, heard and just experienced make me feel like going on is worth it, feelings of suicide may not be gone, but I will just place in a scale the mental taxing task that is existing, against if it's worth existing.
after that I will simply, either kill myself no second throughts, no looking back, or simply go on with my life. it is as I said in a last post, im still living in limbo, walking the thin line that is just my existence vs ending said existence. It is hard because many don't know what it is to be suicidal, you don't want to die, no one does, you just want to stop feeling that unending pain that doesn't exist physically, but you wish it was as if a doctor could cure as easily as just scraping your knee.
I will do my outmost, I don't belive in better or worse because that's not for me to decide, like a trial, I will look at all that is there, evidence, people, reality and logic, and simply judge by myself.
If I simply must still exist in this illogical world that didn't even mean to have me in the first place.
so I try to approach it from a realist point of view, I don't belive it wont get better, yet I don't belive the oposite as well, after all I don't know the future.
so I just changed my perspective, and came with a plan, it isn't brilliant, but for me is more rational than simply dying. I gave myself a deadline, a judging week and a final confirmation.
from the day I became 20 to now I gave myself 4 years, a tutorial/trial of time.
in those 4 years I will do my outmost, even then I don't garantee that depression, sadness, emptiness and general suicidal thoughts will go away in that time, yet I feel it is a nice slice of time to see if the next years are worth it. After that I will have a week to measure, calmly, no bias, no anything. I will just see if everything I have done, seen, heard and just experienced make me feel like going on is worth it, feelings of suicide may not be gone, but I will just place in a scale the mental taxing task that is existing, against if it's worth existing.
after that I will simply, either kill myself no second throughts, no looking back, or simply go on with my life. it is as I said in a last post, im still living in limbo, walking the thin line that is just my existence vs ending said existence. It is hard because many don't know what it is to be suicidal, you don't want to die, no one does, you just want to stop feeling that unending pain that doesn't exist physically, but you wish it was as if a doctor could cure as easily as just scraping your knee.
I will do my outmost, I don't belive in better or worse because that's not for me to decide, like a trial, I will look at all that is there, evidence, people, reality and logic, and simply judge by myself.
If I simply must still exist in this illogical world that didn't even mean to have me in the first place.
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