A need to go

[johntee23]

I'm not just pissed off with life, I actually need to kill myself while I still can. I have a bizarre heart condition that will either kill me -which is fine - or will render me disabled. If I am disabled that's me fucked. No release. Sitting there every day waiting to be fed and having the bags that I shit and piss in emptied. I spent a long time researching my illness which was time wasted when I could have been researching means of escape.
My conclusions so far don't make good reading. N is my favourite. Very tricky to get and risks the wrath of the law if caught importing
it in the post. Once on the radar of the psychiatric services, CTB would be impossible. They'd lock you in some public mental health shithole and throw away the key. SN loops have been closed off and it is very hard to get. Potentiating drugs very difficult to get also. Cutting and hanging don't work for me as my survival instinct would be too strong. I have experience with gases so could set up N2. I've already been caught by my wife with helium before I discovered it is diluted with air to prevent it being useful. The problem is my wife is here 24/7 with lockdown. Smuggling in hardware is impossible. Lockdown prevents driving to somewhere with cliffs high enough to jump off.
Weighing it all up, it looks as if hanging is the only means I have. I hate the idea but it's better than 5 or 10 years eating
through a straw. The problem is I need to do it now, this minute, this morning... But I'm stuck.

 

[Life_and_Death]

If it's that bad (depending on where you live) you should be able to sign up for assisted suicide without a problem shouldn't you?

 

[Idledays]

So is it the possibility of disability that is making you consider suicide, or had you been having these thoughts before?

It sounds like you aren't necessarily guaranteed to end up disabled - am i reading that right?

If the chances of ending up severely disabled are limited, then what if that doesn't happen? Would you want to continue the life you currently have?

I wouldn't recommend killing yourself due to the fear of 'what might happen'. Perhaps councelling or therapy could help you work through that fear?

What sort of life limitations might you face if the worst were to happen?

Full disclosure - i had an illeostomy done as part of emergency surgery 11 years ago (i was just 19) and therefore I now shit in a bag. Had i been given the option beforehand of dying, or waking up with a bag, i would have 100% chose to die, but as it was emergency surgery, i was given no choice. But the 5-6 years following surgery were some of my best. Very few people even know i have a bag, i can still wear sexy clothes and underwear and have great sex. (my bag plays zero role in my recent suicidal thoughts)

My point is, sometimes the reality isn't as bad as our fear/ what the think it will be like. Sure it will be different. And perhaps, in cases, un bearable, but sometimes it's just another way of living. Have you done any research on how your life might be limited, and found people online who can give you an honest account of how it is to live with those disabilities?

Of course if there are other factors making you consider killing yourself then sorry to focus so much on the potential disability issue, but that was the main factor i got from your post.

 

[johntee23]

If it's that bad (depending on where you live) you should be able to sign up for assisted suicide without a problem shouldn't you?

Not here - no.

So is it the possibility of disability that is making you consider suicide, or had you been having these thoughts before?

It sounds like you aren't necessarily guaranteed to end up disabled - am i reading that right?

If the chances of ending up severely disabled are limited, then what if that doesn't happen? Would you want to continue the life you currently have?

I wouldn't recommend killing yourself due to the fear of 'what might happen'. Perhaps councelling or therapy could help you work through that fear?

What sort of life limitations might you face if the worst were to happen?

Full disclosure - i had an illeostomy done as part of emergency surgery 11 years ago (i was just 19) and therefore I now shit in a bag. Had i been given the option beforehand of dying, or waking up with a bag, i would have 100% chose to die, but as it was emergency surgery, i was given no choice. But the 5-6 years following surgery were some of my best. Very few people even know i have a bag, i can still wear sexy clothes and underwear and have great sex. (my bag plays zero role in my recent suicidal thoughts)

My point is, sometimes the reality isn't as bad as our fear/ what the think it will be like. Sure it will be different. And perhaps, in cases, un bearable, but sometimes it's just another way of living. Have you done any research on how your life might be limited, and found people online who can give you an honest account of how it is to live with those disabilities?

Of course if there are other factors making you consider killing yourself then sorry to focus so much on the potential disability issue, but that was the main factor i got from your post.

I take on what you are saying. I didn't mean to disrespect any disabled person. I'm just no very strong willed and couldn't cope. I am likely to have a stroke which could leave me with severe disability.