SuicideByBelt
Student
- Sep 18, 2019
- 142
If there is a funeral or a celebration of my life, my only death wish is that my mother and sister do not come.
My mother was an abusive and controlling parent. I was raised to be afraid. The only way disagreements were settled were by either embracing the abuse, letting her scream, intimidate, shout, and threaten me over weeks until she loses energy, or let a counsellor take it on themselves to get involved in the situation. Before turning 18, three counsellors stepped in to defend me. I never asked any of them to do this. They all saw what I was saying and took it on themselves to do so.
She would deny any medical issues were real, mock me for spiralling into suicidal ideation, scream at me for having worse outcomes, then scream at me when she tries to deny me medical help and I take issue with this. When I plan on ending my life, being told "boo hoo, you have it so tough" is the last thing I want to hear. A counsellor told my parents twice in the same week I was planning on committing suicide, but that wasn't enough to be taken seriously. There was more issue with me telling someone I was going to kill myself and getting support for it than the suicide itself.
I was forced to start two art courses. I asked to leave the first one and was screamed down for it. When my mother brought up a second one, she had her fists on her hips and I knew perfectly well how she would react if I was honest, so I did a year of a course I actively never wanted to do.
This experience has left me with a complex post-traumatic stress disorder. I might be living with this for the rest of my life.
In this house, following the norms meant giving up on my future and committing suicide. To resist this meant I was screamed, threatened, intimidated, and had counsellors step in to defend me. The fact I managed to stay alive until 25 years old was rebellion against a family which didn't appear to have any issues with me dead. To rebel against my family is the proudest thing I ever did.
Anyone outside the situation can look at this and reasonably understand why I'd want to cut off my mother. Unfortunately, my sister didn't. My sister says I'm just "blaming her" and "need to be an adult." To anyone without any loyalty to my mother, it is easy to see how unbelievably stupid this is.
Most of my peers were not regularly abused by their parents, learnt to hide information and stay out of their parent's view for their own safety, fight psychological warfare to get the outcomes they wanted, have counsellors regularly step in to defend them, dismiss when told I plan on committing suicide then mock me for experiencing the effects of a serious mental illness, be forced to start 2 art degrees involuntarily, leave home with a complex post-traumatic stress disorder, or feel any desire to cut off their parents. This is not a respectful or loving family, this is an abusive one. If my sister can't see any issues here, she is blindly loyal and cannot be taken seriously.
On top of this, I have comorbid Asperger's and ADHD. When I brought this up with my mother, she denied any condition and tried to talk me out of medication, so I learnt to hide it to prevent any future hassle. But nonetheless, 4 doctors, including 2 specialists, all agree it is real and needed treatment. If my mother can be told twice by a counsellor I plan on committing suicide and not take it seriously, then her medical advice is completely irrelevant to me. Comorbid Asperger's and ADHD is why I have consistently failed at maintaining study or employment, alongside challenges on emotional regulation, behaviour, concentration, prioritisation, being consistent with tasks, social interactions, etc. To put it simply, I was already going to have a very difficult life because of how my brain how works, more so because I was undiagnosed and untreated. On top of that, I was abused and neglected at home so badly counsellors regularly took it on themselves to step in and I left home with a complex post-traumatic stress disorder.
This family likes to pretend nothing wrong happened. My coach says "Your life has been hard - the incredible thing is that despite all of these awful circumstances - you are still here. You've persisted through way more than most people will have to deal with in their lifetimes." This is someone whose job is to help a wide range of people in difficult circumstances.
This family is a joke. Considering how much resistance I was put through to get the help I need and take a life path I want while denying any responsibility and blaming me for the abuse I got, you deserve a dead family member.
I do not want my mother or my sister at a funeral or any celebration of my life. If my mother had her way, I would have killed myself much earlier. If my sister had her way, I would feel terrible about myself for things I didn't deserve.
My mother was an abusive and controlling parent. I was raised to be afraid. The only way disagreements were settled were by either embracing the abuse, letting her scream, intimidate, shout, and threaten me over weeks until she loses energy, or let a counsellor take it on themselves to get involved in the situation. Before turning 18, three counsellors stepped in to defend me. I never asked any of them to do this. They all saw what I was saying and took it on themselves to do so.
She would deny any medical issues were real, mock me for spiralling into suicidal ideation, scream at me for having worse outcomes, then scream at me when she tries to deny me medical help and I take issue with this. When I plan on ending my life, being told "boo hoo, you have it so tough" is the last thing I want to hear. A counsellor told my parents twice in the same week I was planning on committing suicide, but that wasn't enough to be taken seriously. There was more issue with me telling someone I was going to kill myself and getting support for it than the suicide itself.
I was forced to start two art courses. I asked to leave the first one and was screamed down for it. When my mother brought up a second one, she had her fists on her hips and I knew perfectly well how she would react if I was honest, so I did a year of a course I actively never wanted to do.
This experience has left me with a complex post-traumatic stress disorder. I might be living with this for the rest of my life.
In this house, following the norms meant giving up on my future and committing suicide. To resist this meant I was screamed, threatened, intimidated, and had counsellors step in to defend me. The fact I managed to stay alive until 25 years old was rebellion against a family which didn't appear to have any issues with me dead. To rebel against my family is the proudest thing I ever did.
Anyone outside the situation can look at this and reasonably understand why I'd want to cut off my mother. Unfortunately, my sister didn't. My sister says I'm just "blaming her" and "need to be an adult." To anyone without any loyalty to my mother, it is easy to see how unbelievably stupid this is.
Most of my peers were not regularly abused by their parents, learnt to hide information and stay out of their parent's view for their own safety, fight psychological warfare to get the outcomes they wanted, have counsellors regularly step in to defend them, dismiss when told I plan on committing suicide then mock me for experiencing the effects of a serious mental illness, be forced to start 2 art degrees involuntarily, leave home with a complex post-traumatic stress disorder, or feel any desire to cut off their parents. This is not a respectful or loving family, this is an abusive one. If my sister can't see any issues here, she is blindly loyal and cannot be taken seriously.
On top of this, I have comorbid Asperger's and ADHD. When I brought this up with my mother, she denied any condition and tried to talk me out of medication, so I learnt to hide it to prevent any future hassle. But nonetheless, 4 doctors, including 2 specialists, all agree it is real and needed treatment. If my mother can be told twice by a counsellor I plan on committing suicide and not take it seriously, then her medical advice is completely irrelevant to me. Comorbid Asperger's and ADHD is why I have consistently failed at maintaining study or employment, alongside challenges on emotional regulation, behaviour, concentration, prioritisation, being consistent with tasks, social interactions, etc. To put it simply, I was already going to have a very difficult life because of how my brain how works, more so because I was undiagnosed and untreated. On top of that, I was abused and neglected at home so badly counsellors regularly took it on themselves to step in and I left home with a complex post-traumatic stress disorder.
This family likes to pretend nothing wrong happened. My coach says "Your life has been hard - the incredible thing is that despite all of these awful circumstances - you are still here. You've persisted through way more than most people will have to deal with in their lifetimes." This is someone whose job is to help a wide range of people in difficult circumstances.
This family is a joke. Considering how much resistance I was put through to get the help I need and take a life path I want while denying any responsibility and blaming me for the abuse I got, you deserve a dead family member.
I do not want my mother or my sister at a funeral or any celebration of my life. If my mother had her way, I would have killed myself much earlier. If my sister had her way, I would feel terrible about myself for things I didn't deserve.
