A FUCKING ANNOYING ROLLERCOASTER

[Oblivion]

In December it felt like the end of the fucking world, i decided on a suicide date on feb 5th but at the end of January i started feeling very good for no fucking reason, now i'm peeking, feeling perfectly good, too positive, excited all the time about something i don't know what the fuck it is!!!! energetic and was about to text my friends about going to tour some country for a week (I DON'T EVEN HAVE ANY FUCKING MONEY!!!) this is really getting FUCKING ANNOYING!!! it's like life wants me to be trapped in this shithole of a life and purposely making me feel super good for no reason, I WANT MY FUCKING DEPRESSION BACK!!!!!!!!!!!!! this is not fucking natural, i shouldnt feel an ounce of goodness.

My blood pressure is now measuring about 14/10 as i've gained weight recently (around 110 kgs) a stroke and paralysis are just a matter of time with my life style of just sitting, eating fatty junk food and high calorie snacks, i needed to kill myself this month and instead spring is coming and i will have to wear summer clothes and feel extremely disgusted of myself and my body (was already disgusting, only now more) and just want for the stroke to happen and get paralyzed for 60-70 years. what a shitty fucked up life and brain, i need to feel fucked up, i got MDMA pills a week ago and i haven't taken any yet , i'm afraid of doing something stupid while on it and my dad finding me, like laughing like a maniac or taking my clothes off or something i dont know. FUCK THIS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

 

[rationaltake]

Hi. Difficult to live through. Are you bipolar?

 

[som1]

I can relate to you at the moment my method still didn't arrive, but once it arrives I'm scared I might not feel as bad as I'm feeling now. whenever I have a meltdown and can't stop crying I wish it arrives quickly cause I'm scared once it arrives I will feel numb again and my SI would start working again.

 

[hopelessgirl]

I'm also doing better than before Christmas. I try to tell myself that I can still ctb regardless of feeling better. I actually feel like now I'm in more control and can more easily do it. Less scared. More rational. But that's me.

 

[FuneralCry]

That sounds really exhausting and frustrating what you are going through. This life can be horrible as we have to live with ourselves and our thoughts. I'm sorry you are in this situation. I wish you the best in whatever happens.