Venting My words don't come from my head

[BleedMeAnOcean]

I'm so sick of my stupid goddamn mind. I was helping a friend out today with some artwork. He's part of a band and we were making a tour poster, he wanted me specifically to draw a picture of him dying. This isn't really uncommon, I've drawn him dying countless times before for his merch, usually for free because I'm a spineless doormat. I chose to draw him being decapitated with an axe, and he made a joke about how he wanted to fuck the exposed neck hole. We started joking about necrophilia and somehow the topic of cutting came up. He mentioned how he didn't understand why people did it, and for some fucked up reason without really thinking about it I admitted I cut myself. Just causally out of the blue. He asked me why I did that and I told him it was because sometimes I feel like I deserved to be punished. Like when I fuck up or I feel disappointed in myself, if I'm bleeding and in pain I've made up for it right? Why the fuck did I tell him that? Why do I always do that? When I start to get close to someone, my idiotic brain feels the need to tell them all my traumas. It makes me feel guilty for putting that on them, and makes me feel embarrassed because I bet their whole perspective on me is fucked now. I'm not "normal" and "typical" anymore and there isn't anything I can do to reverse it. Its like I'm speaking on fucking auto-pilot or something. I wanted to tear open my arm right then and there for that, but I ended up telling him I wanted to take a break and sat by myself for a bit. I came back and apologized but now I feel like our relationship is ruined.

That's when I came up with the idea to make a sort of public diary for myself (not sure if I should keep it all in one thread or just make new posts lmk), so when I feel this fucking itch to spill my guts out on someone I can just write about it to people whom don't know me and I don't really care how they view me. I discovered this website on reddit and figured it was the only place that wouldn't instantly delete my posts or give me fake ass sympathy.

I think I'm going to cut again just to relieve some of this guilt and embarrassment I'm feeling right now. I'm so angry at myself.

 

[BleedMeAnOcean]

(NSFW) Something else I thought about. Another aspect I can't really wrap my head around is it brings me sexual gratification. I convinced this poor guy, who I torture by simply just existing in his life, to do knife play with me. He doesn't actually want to hurt me, instead he just kind of scrapes the tip of his pocket knife across my back. It excites me so much, the thought of him slicing open my skin. I also convinced him to try gun play, it makes it so much better when there's a barrel pressed against my forehead.

Admittedly, I fantasise about him killing me. Shooting me, stabbing me to death, strangling me. I want him to do that so badly. And it makes me feel like the hugest pile of shit. He wants a life with me, and here I am wasting his time. I feel so god damn guilty when he calls me in a panic, crying his eyes out cause he thought I finally did it. Or when he begs me to stop cutting. I'm torturing him and I want him to just discard me so badly cause I don't want to do this to him anymore.

But I'm a total fucking asshole and won't just block him, I can't bring myself to. I want him to shoot me in my skull to make up for all the pain I caused him.

Why am I this so screwed up? It's not fair I don't want to be like this. I just wanna be normal and be what my friends and this poor dude want me to be. I'm selfish and ruining their lives.

I'm a coward, what's the easiest way out of here? And how do I make them detest me so it lessens the blow?