NSFW A farewell from a former Psycopath

[Jjabrams5095]

Honestly, you not wanting to bring it up is more about your own discomfort then what's best for your sister, and what's the right thing to do, ie take direct responsibility. Relationships are ruined by pretending problems don't exist, by lying to each other and not being accountable to ourselves or the people that we've hurt by our actions. That's far more toxic and relationship perverting than the truth could ever be. Ask anyone who has been the victim of abuse and lived in a culture, or household, or family dynamics of secrecy, denial, shame, or lies surrounding their abuse.

If you knew it was wrong and you manipulated her into getting what you wanted out of it, that it was a deliberate choice and not something protected by the innocence of childhood.

Yes, there are all sorts of humans.
Some good some bad.
Unfortunately I'm one of the bad ones.
Whatever circumstances created it is irrelevant.
Im one of the bad ones.
a theif was thought.
A serial killer has u spurpressed urges with lack of empathy.
Every human has their own motivations for doing what they do.
I do hear your perspective though.
And youre right, it was manipulative for sure, however I will still say that I did not have the brain I do now where I can understand what I'm doing and their impact.
Not an excuse just the explanation just like I did for the serial killer and thieves.
I hear your perspective.
But I can't do that right this moment.
I dont know how even though I want to make it right with every fibre of my being.
I can write about it though like here.
So I can write about it to her when I'm gone if I choose that way.
Or I could well I dont know.
This isn't an easy confession you know.
Its very hard for me.
If you have any tips for me to do the right thing then I'd like to hear them.
I

Al altrn8tve wld b t/ 1 dy sy t/ hr or wrte a nte sayng hw mch u lve hr & tht if thre = n.ethng tht u evr d/ or hve evr dne t/ hrt hr thn u wnt hr t/ knw tht sh/ cn tlk 2 u bcse u cre abt hr feelngs & wll-bein

Tht wy if sh/ = carryng n.ethng thn sh/ knws tht u r openng up dialgue bt if sh/ = nt awre of n.ethng tht sh/ = carryng thn = wld nt dsturb hr as mch

& jst fr hr t/ knw in th/ presnt tht u r sme1 tht sh/ cn trst

Thank you.
I actually really like this idea.
I'll consider trying something similar

 

[Light_]

I gave you my tips as I see them for doing the right thing, which was too take accountability and responsibility for what you did. I hear that you're not comfortable with that, but again, that's more about you than what happened to the person, your sister, who was victimized. I'm not saying the situation is easy for you, but I'm also certainly not saying it's easy for her, what she had to go through. If you're concern is for her, then your actions should match that, if you're concern is mostly for yourself and your own discomfort, then your actions will match that. It's your decision what you do with your life and your consciousness choices. I think there's a better way forward.

 

[Jjabrams5095]

I gave you my tips as I see them for doing the right thing, which was too take accountability and responsibility for what you did. I hear that you're not comfortable with that, but again, that's more about you than what happened to the person, your sister, who was victimized. I'm not saying the situation is easy for you, but I'm also certainly not saying it's easy for her, what she had to go through. If you're concern is for her, then your actions should match that, if you're concern is mostly for yourself and your own discomfort, then your actions will match that. It's your decision what you do with your life and your consciousness choices. I think there's a better way forward.

Yeah okay.
I need some time to figure it out.
I agree with you.
I just dont know how to navigate through my own head to do it.
Dot's suggestion is my best starting point.

 

[NormallyNeurotic]

Thank you.
I appreciate your advice.
But my mom isn't a bad mom at all.
She loves us both.
I dont comprehend why she did what she did that day. But its done and it doesn't define her she was the best mom we could ever ask for even if she isn't perfect.
But I do agree I wish she could've seen the obvious.
But my dad was there too and just went along with it.
I really dont understand it but whatever.
I forgive them for loving me too much to think I could do wrong.
They're still extremely supportive and loving parents.
I still wish they saw it properly, back then when I wasn't suicidal and didn't even get why they were concerned about what happened.
Mabye things would've never got to this point.
As I said something happened fo me at the beginning of puberty and I wasn't mature enough to know what the he'll to do with it.
And I think porn played a factor in it too.
I think I had just started watching it.
The step sister thing was all the craze and in some of them they didnt even use the step word.
And the exact dynamic that was occurring it made me think it was like a normal thing.
They really need to keep porn out of kids minds. Especially boys.

The thing is... you can't say that "she was the best mom we could have asked for." You cannot speak for your sister.
Also, the chances are equal that they "loved you too much" or that they believed the deeply ingrained "blame the victim" mentality placed on young girls and chose you over her reflexively.

Definitely remember that you are not your sister and you cannot be her voice either.

You can lend it to support her and confess to your actions, but that would be speaking with her, not for her.

Trust me when I say that I know not centering yourself in a situation that you feel strong feelings towards is hard—I'm a narcissist, that's basically all I did as a kid/teen—but it's something that can be worked on. Good luck.

As for the topic of porn, I definitely agree. We can't really keep porn out of kids' hands nowadays if thry have free-reign if the internet, which is why Consent Education is more important than ever. Consuming porn as a child can cause symptoms of sexual trauma in the brain, and I wish people talked about that more.

Just remember that even if you did consume that porn, you still chose to act. You being a child and having seen porn is an explanation, not an excuse.

 

[fadedghost]

Hello fine people of Sasu,

Nice to meet you.
This is my first post on here.
I haven't been too active on this site.
But I have been planning my death ever since I registered.

Im here just to confirm some details about my method and make sure everything checks out. My aim is for it to be as quick and painless as possible.

So first I guess I'll tell you about myself and why I want to do this.
I'm gonna be asking for help so its only fair right?
You can assess whether you want to help or not, which I belive most won't, even here.
And I think its your right not to help someone like me.

Most people on here theyre genuinely good, not the type of people I'd say deserve to die, though I could never conceive their pain so I could never force them to live.

I think we all deserve a peaceful way out no matter what to be honest.

Even people like police who are like modern day nazis, at the end of the day they were still a baby once and were trained to be that way. They would deserve peace.
Every single human being does, even Ted bundy or Dahmer. They didn't choose to be born that way either you know.

Anyways..

Well let's rewind back to 2017.
I would've been 11.
I think this was the year I started to go insane.
Something started happening to me.
But I was a kid and I didn't really have a moral framework.
My moral framework at that time was basically whatever was taught to me.
The things that weren't. I guess I didn't really get it.

I mean I should have, mabye I did get it to an extent logically. But I didn't really feel it.
So yeah I think I was born a psycopath.
I didn't really have much empathy.
I could just do things because I wanted to and it didn't bother me soul level.
I didn't really have the ability to put myself in others shoes.
But then I could show empathy other times like in school and with my sister sometimes if I took my cruelty too far.
So yeah here's some examples of what I'd did as that 11 year old child.

For one.
My sister yeah she was a bit annoying. But my response was to get back at her so I wpuld call her names and amke fun of her for fun. And only after she started crying I started to feel really bad and tried fo make it up to her.
But what kind of psycho makes their little sister cry.
And then theres the time I went to my aunts house for my cousin's birthday.
And I poisoned her aquarium I even told everyone I was gonna do it. I did it and then I literally forgot I did.
Until after I got Into trouble. Then I realized it sucked but only because I was caught.

And then theres the big thing..
You're all going to tell me to go to hell after this.
Believe me I want to go there more than anything.
That's why I'm here.
Trust me I'd rather be raped everyday since birth till the day I die than ever be this person.
I have fantasies of killing my younger self because of what he did.
Some literal fucking demon.
I didn't choose to be born like this.
Its a miracle I even somehow adapted and ended up developing empathy and a moral code.
I never had therapy and I never really thought of what I was doing as harmful at the time of the incident.
And I care about the person with every fibre of my being.

So here's goes..
I made a deal with my sister to let me touch her inappropriately in exchange for me playing a game with her.
Sick I know.
I told you true psycopath.
I hate it more than you can ever imagine.
I still wonder if it really happened or its fake it seems like a different person.
To me it feels like I swapped bodies with Ted buddies except I have all his memories with me and now I have to face life as .. him.

The me you're speaking to is not that boy anymore ok.
I want to finally find peace separate from the demon I was born as.
Hate me all you want.
But if you were born as me, unfortunately you'd do the same thing.

My past few years I have been making it up to my sister.
We have a good relationship she never ever talked about it neither do I.
I dont know what she remembers about it.
She would've been 8 when I was 12. Which is when it happened.
Now she's 15.

But yeah we have a good relationship today.
And I get her nice gifts ever since I started working.
I even got a hug from her on Christmas and she will bring me snacks sometimes.
She's such a pure and beautiful soul.
She's almost like my twin just without the demon and the psycopathy.
We listen to the same music we have the same habits.
I think we are some sort of cosmic twin.

Oh and yea my mom did catch me back when it happened back in 2018 but for some reason she blamed my sister, so I ended up rolling with it to save myself.
I did feel really bad though but I had to.
Even psycho me felt bad that's how awful it was.
And I didn't get caught so it wasn't feeling bad for myself for once.
But that memory sticks in my head forevermore.

Anyway that's not even the present day drama.
But this is more or less normal severe depression.
And we'll I'm extremely sensitive.
If you're mean to me I might just run into the highway or something.
Im the opposite of what I was 7 years ago.
Not sure what happened.
I just wanna go back to wherever i came from.
I want a refund.
Im leaving my sister all my savings.
Its a decent amount and we'll I'm gonna leave a really big teddy bear.
I know its weird, but I always liked teddy bears and I know she's similar to me so she'll like it too. Just something to remember me by.

And well my mom, I am mad about not believing my sister but..
I still love her more than anything in this world and her devotion to me, is something I'll always cherish.
I'll always remember her voice. And her hug.
I still have her old blackberry, she has recordings of when she sang to me as a baby, and they bring me to tears.
I like to listen to it.
Because I could never choose another mom in the world and I will look after her from wherever I end up even if its hell.

Well ..
If you think I'm a scumbag I assure you I agree so here's why I'm here.
I want to hang myself on Monday which is the 19th.
Its the only method I can really conceive that I could access and likely work I have a long strong rope, I just wanna know how to tie it properly.
I'm using a balcony. It has a pretty strong banister that can handle the weight.
I'm around 120ibs
5'5
I reckon theres 10 feet or more I can drop while still being suspended.
So yeah can anyone walk me through how to tie it or recommend another method.
Even if you think I'm awful you must agree with the right to die if you're even on here, and I assure I did not want to be born at all much less a psycopath.
So if you can find it in your hear to help me.
I'd really appreciate you and ill keep you in my heart.
Or not if you dont want me to.

I have to start writing my goodbye letters,
So I hope someone on here can help me.

Anyway if you actually even read all that I want to graciously thank you for your precious time.

I just had to get it all out before Ieave.
I'm not trying to minimize anything.
I'm just trying to give you the fill picture so forgive me if it seems a bit overbearing or like I'm unserious.

Thanks again for your time..
-Jjabrams5095.
The misfortunate Demonic Child who defected from its ways.

I am sorry you are depressed.

So psychopathy is pretty rare and it's not this. It's like being born color-blind or with a photographic memory. It's just a random genetic freak trait.

Killing fish in an aquarium for fun is not psychopathy. It's called being a male child. Touching your sister was wrong, but kids being incestuous at younger ages sometimes happens. That's not psychopathy.

Psychopathy is killing the family gerbil and liking it so much, you find cats in the neighborhood and slash them, and then skin them alive, because you like it, and then moving on to other things. Many psychopaths end up being drug addicts, but not all... They usually either find high risk careers where they can make money due to not having any guilt reflex (psychopaths make great surgeons because when someone dies they don't care and can just focus on doing well overall) or they end up fucking up and committing crimes and going on drugs.

You've listed no crimes as an adult. Also, many psychopaths are incredibly charismatic but also optimistic. It would be VERY atypical for a psychopath to be reformed (it would be like someone who only sees in black and white becoming "reformed" and seeing in color or an albino becoming reformed and having pigmentation) and it's pretty unusual for psychopaths to be depressed over things (unless it's their own circumstances) or want to commit suicide.

A psychopath would never refer to themselves as a demon child. They just wouldn't care. They would do evil shit, all the time, and not feel bad about it at all. There's a human connection that they never have, this void, and it's not like depression, or isolation, it's like there's something missing... And it's not killing a fish or torturing a small bug, it's like way worse than that. I've met a number of psychopaths. You just don't fit that... You've done some bad stuff, it's not an accurate description to call you a psychopath.

I'm sorry you're depressed. Have you considered therapy and medication?

 

[NormallyNeurotic]

Killing fish in an aquarium for fun is not psychopathy. It's called being a male child.

Cis men, confirm or deny. Do male children kill animals? Because the only child I ever saw kill an animal was a girl.

So psychopathy is pretty rare

I've met a number of psychopaths.

Dude, do you live in a thriller movie? How can you say both of these things in one message?

Also, your post is not describing psychopaths. You are describing budding serial killers. Multiple serial killers who did these things were not psychopaths.

 

[SoloDeath]

Cis men, confirm or deny. Do male children kill animals? Because the only child I ever saw kill an animal was a girl.



Dude, do you live in a thriller movie? How can you say both of these things in one message?

Also, your post is not describing psychopaths. You are describing budding serial killers. Multiple serial killers who did these things were not psychopaths.

He's not inherently wrong. Psychopathy can manifest that way. Even though I do agree with you that it is infinitely more diverse. Psychopathy is essentially both cerebral regions : amygdala and anterior Cingular cortex (ACC) being underdeveloped or functioning below the average level of activity observed in humans. What this brings about mostly in the lack or absence of nevrotical personality features ( depression, anxiety, guilt). Which results in the person abstaining to comply with tacit societal norms while being aware they exist. Indulging in reckless behaviors and not acknowledging emotions that usually hold people back in their life (fear of failing, fear of hurting others, fear of being a social misfit…) .

Anyway, I too think OP might be mistaken, especially since he's never gotten a diagnosis. Doing dumb shit, moreover incestuous ones, as a kid isn't indicative of psychopathy, especially since it doesn't seem patterned

 

[NormallyNeurotic]

He's not inherently wrong. Psychopathy can manifest that way.

In psychology, it is harmful to define a disorder by how it "can manifest." That's how you get stereotypes that focus more on characatures than helping the mentally ill/neurodivergent person recover or cope.

Many disorders "can" manifest a certain way. But the majority of studies done on psychopathy were done on criminals and serial killers. There is bias in the written information we have.

Those actions can be done by non-psychopaths, and have been for years. Attributing it to psychopathy is misleading.

That's what I mean.

 

[InevitableDeath]

I intend to direct every post which pontificates on psychiatric labels to this post by yours truly which links to the DSM-V, so we can all be on the same page as the pro cunts.

There is far too much amateur diagnosing going on around here. Not to say its any worse than the professional diagnosing, but if we're gonna be putting people into little boxes, let's at least write the contents on the top in the same language.

No diss by the way SoloDeath, and welcome to the asylum. Where we lunatics are in charge until we're banned.

And banned we will be. As its exile all the way down. The pro cunts ban the am cunts. The am cunts ban the mad cunts. The mad cunts bang on and on and on and on and.....

 

[darksouls]

I am sorry you are depressed.

So psychopathy is pretty rare and it's not this. It's like being born color-blind or with a photographic memory. It's just a random genetic freak trait.

Killing fish in an aquarium for fun is not psychopathy. It's called being a male child. Touching your sister was wrong, but kids being incestuous at younger ages sometimes happens. That's not psychopathy.

Psychopathy is killing the family gerbil and liking it so much, you find cats in the neighborhood and slash them, and then skin them alive, because you like it, and then moving on to other things. Many psychopaths end up being drug addicts, but not all... They usually either find high risk careers where they can make money due to not having any guilt reflex (psychopaths make great surgeons because when someone dies they don't care and can just focus on doing well overall) or they end up fucking up and committing crimes and going on drugs.

You've listed no crimes as an adult. Also, many psychopaths are incredibly charismatic but also optimistic. It would be VERY atypical for a psychopath to be reformed (it would be like someone who only sees in black and white becoming "reformed" and seeing in color or an albino becoming reformed and having pigmentation) and it's pretty unusual for psychopaths to be depressed over things (unless it's their own circumstances) or want to commit suicide.

A psychopath would never refer to themselves as a demon child. They just wouldn't care. They would do evil shit, all the time, and not feel bad about it at all. There's a human connection that they never have, this void, and it's not like depression, or isolation, it's like there's something missing... And it's not killing a fish or torturing a small bug, it's like way worse than that. I've met a number of psychopaths. You just don't fit that... You've done some bad stuff, it's not an accurate description to call you a psychopath.

I'm sorry you're depressed. Have you considered therapy and medication?

killing or torturing animals has nothing to do with the persons gender,
an adult woman told me that as a child she tortured many animals in the most gruesome ways,
she and her sister also tortured the fish in the aquarium to death

 

[DontTouchMeImFamous]

You're a really good person and I'm being completely honest. I don't think you are or even were a psychopath. You were just a kid. You had empathy from before this incident. You said it yourself:

And only after she started crying I started to feel really bad and tried fo make it up to her.

Psychopaths could never feel what you felt. The adults should have nurtured that part of you and guided you but they failed you.
What you did was very wrong but I would blame the adults for not taking care of you. I don't hate you for what you did bc it doesn't represent you as a person. You don't deserve this.

But what kind of psycho makes their little sister cry.

Yeah we all did trust me.

 

[SoloDeath]

In psychology, it is harmful to define a disorder by how it "can manifest." That's how you get stereotypes that focus more on characatures than helping the mentally ill/neurodivergent person recover or cope.

Many disorders "can" manifest a certain way. But the majority of studies done on psychopathy were done on criminals and serial killers. There is bias in the written information we have.

Those actions can be done by non-psychopaths, and have been for years. Attributing it to psychopathy is misleading.

That's what I mean.

I agree, It is problematic to define a disorder primarily by how it "can manifest," because manifestations are contingent, context-dependent, and often shaped by sampling bias. Moreover, we do not have the full picture of OP's childhood, do not know how those symptoms articulated and what were their psychic function.

But I want to emphasize that clinicians do rely on symptoms (manifestations) to assess and diagnose. I'm not saying that psychopathy is defined by how it can manifest. Just that clinicians had to agree on a definite set of generic symptoms (which the DSM recapitulates), which, when observed together in a person's behavior, can constitute a diagnosis. We'd obviously still have to determine that the psychic function of poisoning a fish tank was to self-regulate arousal in a context of hypoemotional reactions for example. But based on information OP gave us, we cannot ascertain his psychopathy because, like you said. Shit like this can be done by non-psychopath as well.

 

[DontTouchMeImFamous]

Regarding your method, here's a compilation thread for partial hanging :

https://sanctioned-suicide.net/threads/i-need-help-to-make-sure-everything-goes-well-partial-hanging.214413/post-3109163

And this is a compilation thread on full suspension hanging

https://sanctioned-suicide.net/thre...et-spot-with-full-hanging.207618/post-3023031

Hope you find them useful.

 

[InevitableDeath]

Let's face it. Killing animals or any other living creatures for shits and giggles is just confirmation you're a fucking scum cunt piece of shit.

idk what the DSM-V calls it - probably a licence to print money like all the rest of the crap in there.

Regarding your method, here's a compilation thread for partial hanging :

https://sanctioned-suicide.net/threads/i-need-help-to-make-sure-everything-goes-well-partial-hanging.214413/post-3109163

And this is a compilation thread on full suspension hanging

https://sanctioned-suicide.net/thre...et-spot-with-full-hanging.207618/post-3023031

Hope you find them useful.

that HUGE pic saying how nothing you are comes across quite passive-aggressive - any way you can shrink it down a bit?

Regarding your method, here's a compilation thread for partial hanging :

https://sanctioned-suicide.net/threads/i-need-help-to-make-sure-everything-goes-well-partial-hanging.214413/post-3109163

And this is a compilation thread on full suspension hanging

https://sanctioned-suicide.net/thre...et-spot-with-full-hanging.207618/post-3023031

Hope you find them useful.

so you go over to another post and hmph?! Seriously? Are you twelve?

 

[DontTouchMeImFamous]

youre not a psychopath buddy ive had the same thought but it aint that deep
you are probably autistic with cluster b traits and should consider getting your shit together
i agree with the other person that this whole thread is an attention-magnet of a larp, if u actually care then stop moping and act better. you dont have to be the virgin mary cuz thats lame but 1. stop putting urself above everyone else by putting yourself down (its the lamest way you can get attention)

You don't have any right to tell anyone they are being attention seekers. You don't get to put labels. What a self- entitled behavior.
This is very insensitive and a form of gaslighting. It's also against the rules of this forum. I've reported you and I hope mods will take action.

Let's face it. Killing animals or any other living creatures for shits and giggles is just confirmation you're a fucking scum cunt piece of shit.

idk what the DSM-V calls it - probably a licence to print money like all the rest of the crap in there.

that HUGE pic saying how nothing you are comes across quite passive-aggressive - any way you can shrink it down a bit?

No i can't. It's uploaded through a link. I don't get to choose the size.

"How nothing you are"? What a nice choice of words... Passive aggressiveness you said huh?

so you go over to another post and hmph?! Seriously? Are you twelve?

What's wrong with you? Speaking about passive aggressiveness...

 

[InevitableDeath]

youre not a psychopath buddy ive had the same thought but it aint that deep
you are probably autistic with cluster b traits and should consider getting your shit together
i agree with the other person that this whole thread is an attention-magnet of a larp, if u actually care then stop moping and act better. you dont have to be the virgin mary cuz thats lame but 1. stop putting urself above everyone else by putting yourself down (its the lamest way you can get attention)

It seems you've been reported by the entitled brigade. I've been here for a week and been repeatedly reported for upholding the ethics of the site. What has gone wrong with SaSu - it just seems to be a bunch of very entitled people who can't communicate, and are just offended by everything now. It completely destroys the purpose of the site, loses all the good people and leaves it like some godawful reddit sub.

The whole point of SaSu is Reddit is full of shit. Now its becoming the same. Why the hell have you been reported for your post?! Its just ridiculous.. The speech police.

 

[Dot]

Regarding your method...

Usr hs alrdy st8td furthr in thred tht thy r nw seekng psychiatrc hlp

Givn tht decsn = mght b wrth deletng tht info jst s/ as nt 2 ndge usr bck 2wrds thr orignl feelngs

It seems you've been reported by the entitled brigade. I've been here for a week and been repeatedly reported for upholding the ethics of the site. What has gone wrong with SaSu - it just seems to be a bunch of very entitled people who can't communicate, and are just offended by everything now. It completely destroys the purpose of the site, loses all the good people and leaves it like some godawful reddit sub.

The whole point of SaSu is Reddit is full of shit. Now its becoming the same. Why the hell have you been reported for your post?! Its just ridiculous.. The speech police.

If u hve bn gettng rports/warnngs slf gntly sggest = mght b wrth steppng bck & takng breathr as nt 2 gt in2 argmnts rght nw

Slf am sayng tht whle thnkng of ur bst intersts

 

[yourmmomisabbitch]

It seems you've been reported by the entitled brigade. I've been here for a week and been repeatedly reported for upholding the ethics of the site. What has gone wrong with SaSu - it just seems to be a bunch of very entitled people who can't communicate, and are just offended by everything now. It completely destroys the purpose of the site, loses all the good people and leaves it like some godawful reddit sub.

The whole point of SaSu is Reddit is full of shit. Now its becoming the same. Why the hell have you been reported for your post?! Its just ridiculous.. The speech police.

ya this is the second time ive been warned for absolute nonsense when i do nothing but preach love on this website, peace guys ill be deleting my account i hope whoever remains can steer the ship back on course

 

[DontTouchMeImFamous]

It seems you've been reported by the entitled brigade.

Can you stop bullying me passive aggressively?