Ardesevent
It’s the end of the line, cowboy
- Feb 2, 2020
- 358
I think the little bit of hope I still had has just been lost. Obliterated. Destroyed. Gone.
I've known I was a failure since I was in middle school. It didn't bother me much back then, I had bigger things to worry about. I still hoped that I could become a better person, and fix all of the issues that were holding me back. I had just lost my mother so I was grieving, and my social anxiety wasn't as bad back then.
Cut to high school. The fact I was a failure bothered me a lot. I had less this time, but I still had hope. I failed miserably to break out of my shell, and didn't do any extracurricular stuff, which made me pay a lot more than I would've had to for college. I was pretty disappointed in myself.
Skip a bit to my first year of college. Nothing changed. I was still just as alone as I had been in highschool. My social anxiety had reached horrible levels, but I could still function. I was reminded of my mom a lot more than I was in highschool. But I still had that tiny smidgeon of hope.
I don't have that anymore. Everyone else has moved on. My deadbeat dad has reached out to his old friends again, and is a lot happier now than he was before. My cousin who's in the same situation as me has more friends than I do, and has gotten more ahead of me in life. I'm starting to get the feeling he hates me now, too. I'm realizing I never got over my mother's death. I can't go outside anymore. My grades, the one thing I was good at, are falling, and I'm too much of an idiot to fix them.
I wish I had died all the way back when I was 12. I wish someone would put me out of my misery already. I wish that my mom never died, that I had the balls to tell someone I knew how I was feeling instead of strangers. I wish that I wasn't such a coward, and could have killed myself long before any of this crap happened.
I've known I was a failure since I was in middle school. It didn't bother me much back then, I had bigger things to worry about. I still hoped that I could become a better person, and fix all of the issues that were holding me back. I had just lost my mother so I was grieving, and my social anxiety wasn't as bad back then.
Cut to high school. The fact I was a failure bothered me a lot. I had less this time, but I still had hope. I failed miserably to break out of my shell, and didn't do any extracurricular stuff, which made me pay a lot more than I would've had to for college. I was pretty disappointed in myself.
Skip a bit to my first year of college. Nothing changed. I was still just as alone as I had been in highschool. My social anxiety had reached horrible levels, but I could still function. I was reminded of my mom a lot more than I was in highschool. But I still had that tiny smidgeon of hope.
I don't have that anymore. Everyone else has moved on. My deadbeat dad has reached out to his old friends again, and is a lot happier now than he was before. My cousin who's in the same situation as me has more friends than I do, and has gotten more ahead of me in life. I'm starting to get the feeling he hates me now, too. I'm realizing I never got over my mother's death. I can't go outside anymore. My grades, the one thing I was good at, are falling, and I'm too much of an idiot to fix them.
I wish I had died all the way back when I was 12. I wish someone would put me out of my misery already. I wish that my mom never died, that I had the balls to tell someone I knew how I was feeling instead of strangers. I wish that I wasn't such a coward, and could have killed myself long before any of this crap happened.
